les nouvelles

Now that I've moved into my own studio I'm cocooning... it's been many years since I felt secure in my living situation. It sounds delusional to say it, but my apartment feels like a forever home even though I've only slept here 19 days. I'm very happy in my life and feel better about myself than I thought I could. Even though there's nothing entertaining to do I never want to leave...

My Saturn return has been overall the most challenging... Mercury is retrograde right now, that probably is why I'm going back to my blog after a long hiatus. It's not like anybody reads this. If they do I'm flattered, but it's also inappropriate. This is just between me and the internet.

2012

I can't believe how quickly 2011 went by! My Saturn return is in full effect and everything in my life has changed completely- job, house, relationships, etc. Life has been challenging but the truth is I'm happier than ever before. I thought my time was up but I have been getting my swag back.

I have a lot of things I need to focus on. It blows my mind how much my life has changed for the better... there's so much going on in my life that it's really hard for me to focus on anything... but basically I only have 5 things to really worry about.

drag debut this spring
work out
tattoos
more designer clothes
save more money

the way I feel about guys

I have a problem... I can't love anybody and I can't receive any love.

I try to always see the good in people, and I don't look down on others. Obviously, I have nothing to offer a man at this point in my life so I'm not one to talk. With that being said, nobody makes me feel anything. I catch myself in siutations where I'm with someone and I will think to myself, wow this guy is really great... he's hot, nice and probably doing ok money wise... I should be head over heels but I just feel like that bitch ain't shit. I'm probably wrapped up because when it comes to guys I have a whole list of requirements... it doesn't feel organic in any way.

I used to get so horny and I still do, but sex doesn't really feel good to me any more. It's become something that I do because I feel like it's what I should be doing. I don't feel the passion anymore which is what I look for most in sex.

Peter Berlin was right about everything. Infatuation. The feelings I get from being attracted to men and them being attracted back to me is exhilarating and still fun. I fuck em without fuckin em.

dreams

I want to live in a loft and drive a lotus or a mercedes SLK.

I dream about starting a biotech firm that focuses mainly on genomic cures for HIV.

I need enough money to go out every night and for better clothes. I dream about feeling hot enough and good enough, because for me that is how my brain defines omnipotence.

I want do the whole pride circuit every season. I want to go to LA, West Hollywood, Miami, and NYC... not just SF.

favorite themes

loss of innocence
loss of sexual innocence
suffering
technology
people who have everything yet remain unfulfilled
voyeurism and exhibitionism
self-preservation
utopia
dystopian utopia
post apocalypse
addiction
fame
super intelligence
child prodigies
murder
torture
social upheaval/revolutions
shame
the obsolescence of intellectual property
undermining authority and power structures
magic
unity/ a shared sense of identity and experience
alternate universes

body modification

I have always loved the idea that I can make myself into whatever I want, so the appearance can be a simulacra of the way I feel. In our culture, you can look however you want so long as you have the money to pay for procedures.

I was still in high school when I got my first piercing, and since then I got 5 in each ear, septum, snakebites, filtrum, smiley, nipples, and a single point in my clavicle. I only have ny nose and ears at this point, but that makes 18 total.

I think I was 19 when I got my first tattoo, and plan on getting a lot more as soon as I get the money for it. I'm planning out a back piece, chest and crotch piece, half sleeves, and ideally if money is never going to be an issue I'd like to do the neck and face as well.

I was only 20 years old when I got plastic surgery for the first time. I got my chest, stomach, and lower back lipoed with 8 entry points. It didn't hurt that much but over time your body builds up fat in those areas that have not been lipoed, so I need to get it touched up at some point.

As far as other work I'm planning I need laser resurfacing on my face, restalin for my lips, a brow lift and buccal fat removal, and perhaps rhinoplasty.

April 18, 2011

Last night was my bday. Often it rains on my bday like it did last night.

I think there was also a full moon...

At some point during the day there was an earthquake, but I did not feel it.

Tax day is usually on 4/15 but this year it fell on my bday.

I saw multiple bums fighting throughout the course of the day.

I saw someone from high school who ironically I'd seen out Wednesday at the deco lounge, and sunday night at the glama-zone.

my taste in music

I often use Pandora to listen to music on my phone, but it only let's one bookmark 100 artists. To make a long story short, my favorite music is peak hour, deep, jackin, minimal, tech, clubby, booty house, pop, and hip hop.

Afrojack
Akufen
Alexander Robotnick
Angel Alanis
Apparat
Armand Van Helden
Barbara Tucker
Basement Jaxx
Bassnectar
Beyonce
Bjork
Cajmere
Chelley
Chris Brown
Chuckie
Chus& Ceballos
Ciara
Claude Vonstroke
Crystal Castles
DJ Koze
DJ Rap
Danny Tenaglia
Dave Aude
David Guetta
David Harness
Deadmau5
Deep Dish
Derrick L. Carter
Digitalism
Diplo
Ellen Allien
Eric Prydz
Ester Dean
Eve
Felix Da Housecat
Fever Ray
Frankie Knuckles
Gigi D'Agostino
Gravy Train!!!!
Green Velvet
Hatiras
Hauswerks
Hipp-E
House Music United Radio
Hybrid
Jamie Principle
Jason DeRulo
Jesse Rose
John Digweed
Junior Jack
Jurgen Paape
Justin Martin
Kaskade
Kelis
Ke$ha
Khia
Kompakt 100
Kylie Minogue
Lady GaGa
Larry Tee
Lil' Kim
M.I.A.
Madonna
Major Lazer
Mark Farina
Matmos
Matthew Dear
Ministry of Sound
Miss Kittin
Missy Elliot
Moderat
Nadastrom
Naked Music
Nicki Minaj
Offer Nissim
Peaches
Pendulum
Ralphi Rosario
Rihanna
Robyn
Ron Carroll
Rosabel
RuPaul
Sarina Paris
Simian Mobile Disco
Solid Groove
Spank Rock
Stanton Warriors
Superpitcher
Switch
Swizz Beatz
The Knife
Timbaland
Trentemoller
Victor Calderone
Wynter Gordon

I feel like this is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg. A lot of music is not to be found on Pandora, but I do love the music genome project and wish I had the job of dissecting and categorizing sounds :D

100 truths

1. Name: Darrin Eason Goodness

2. Age: 26

3. Zodiac sign: aries

4. Male or Female : male

5. Hair color: brown

6. Tall or short: short

7. Are you ticklish: yeah

8. Dress or jeans : jeans

9.If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be: $1,000,000

10.How many drugs have you done in the last three days: weed

11.What did your last text message you received on your cell say and who was it from: Merwyn- Hi

12.Name one thing you worry about running out of: money

13.Five things you would need to survive, if left alone on a deserted island: shelter, water desalinator, knife, laptop with wireless, toothbrush

14.What is your best physical feature: hands

15. Do you have a crush on someone?: no

16. What color are your bed sheets: blue

17.Peircings? nose and ears

18. Pepsi or Coke: neither

19.Been in an airplane: yes

20.Been in a relationship: yes

21.Do you talk to yourself: occasionally

22.What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower: probabaly Madonna

23.What do you do when no one is watching: eat

24. First bestfriend: Kelly Schultz

25.Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep: blaze of glory

26.First Crush: Link from Legend of Zelda

27.Driven a car?: many times

29.Last friend you talked to in person? Alain

30.Do you "label" yourself: gay, mixed

31.What do you think about the person who took this survey before you: not sure

32.If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would play you: Wilson Cruz

33. Last movie you watched: Showgirls

34. Last song you listened to: Dynamite- Stonebridge club remix by Taio Cruz

35. Last thing you bought: groceries

36. Last person you hugged: Mike Marielli

37. Food: indian, mexican, thai, sushi, american

38. Drinks: water, vodka soda

39. Bottoms: shorts

40. Flower: can I keep em?

41. Animal: seals

42. Colors: red, yellow, white, black

43. Movie: Showgirls

44. Subjects: biology

HAVE YOU EVER...

([X] meaning yes [ ] meaning no)

45. [x] fallen in love with someone

46. [x] celebrated Halloween

47. [x] had your heart broken

48. [x] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone

49. [x] wanted to smack someone upside the head

51. [x] eaten a whole pizza

52. [x] tried to do something, but couldn't succeed

53. [x] did something I regret.

54. [x] broke a promise

55. [x] hid a secret

56. [X] pretended to be happy

57. [x] met someone who changed your life

58. [x] pretended to be sick

59. [x] left the country

60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it

61. [x] cried over the silliest thing

62. [x] ran 5 miles

63. [x] went to the beach with your bestfriend

64. [x] got into an argument with your friends

65. [x] hated someone

66. [x] stayed single for a whole year

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating: nothing

68. Drinking: nothing

69. Listening to: refrigerator hum

70. Thinking about: having fun tonight

71. Plans for today: drinks at Lime later

72. Waiting for: 6pm when I'm off work


YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids: no

74. Want to get married: maybe

75. Careers in mind: biomedical engineer

WHICH IS BETTER IN A POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST?:

76. Lips or eyes: lips

77. Shorter or taller: same height

78. Romantic or Spontaneous? both

79. Nice stomach or nice arms?: both

81. Hook-up or relationship?: hook up

82. Looks or personality?: looks

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: yeah

84. Snuck out of a house: no

85. Held a gun/knife for self defense: probably

86.Had your heart broken: yeah

87. Broken someone's heart: probably

88. Been in love: yeah

89. Cried when someone died: Yeah


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: at times

91. Miracles: sometimes

92. Love at first sight: not sure

93. Heaven: no

94. Santa Clause: no

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? not sure

98. Do you know who your real friends are?: yeah

99. Do you believe in God?: no

100. Would you change something in your life?: yeah

my hilarious gay SF dating blog

Remember when Left Eye broke down the math of just why TLC was bankrupt when they should have been living the good life? Here is the break down of why I'll never find a man even though I live in a sea of potential love interests. Everyone knows finding a man is next to impossible in SF, even though you would think it would be easier since it has such a high concentration of gay people. Here is the unfortunate reality:

When you go into any club in San Francisco half the guys are some sort of asian and immediately disqualified. I'm trying not to talk shit so all I'm going to say is not even with someone else's dick.

Of those leftover 50% of the club that is latin, black, and white, 1/2 of those guys are too old (over the age of 30) so now that only leaves 1/4 of the total as potentials. The sad truth is if a guy is over the age of 35, there's a really good chance he is HIV positive, which means they are not an option for me.

Of those remaining 1/4 of the total, half are too physically unattractive or their shit is fucked up in some way. The sad reality is that aside from money, looks are the most relevant commodity in our culture, so that means only 1/8 of guys in SF are attractive enough and in my age bracket.

Since our culture puts so much emphasis on beauty, when someone is hot there's a good chance he knows it. When you are on the top of the food chain you can fuck whoever you want and being really promiscuous puts one's health at risk, so that eliminates half of the 1/8, leaving only 1/16 of the total population as hot enough, not asian, and not too promiscuous.

Of the remaining 1/16, half are either mentally fucked up in some way, so lost in addiction that there's no turning back, or too ghetto and have no plan for their future. Obviously, being around someone like that is a recipe for disaster.

So at the end of the day, when everything is said and done, that leaves only 3% of guys in San Francisco as potential love interests. Obviously, those are just potentials... anyone can tell you it's rare to find somebody and have a serious connection with that person...

narcissistic infatuation

I've always said the best part about being gay is that I am able to be the thing that I desire. I'm gay, so what I see in other men I also see (or want to see) in myself. Obviously, masculine beauty is what I seek for myself as well as in a significant other. When I was a little boy I found myself attracted to other boys but without the sexual desire that encompasses adult attraction.

Because I was young in the 90s in the suburbs, people were a lot less open. I am part of the last generation to not see myself represented in culture and media, so the realization about the way I feel in some senses was very organic. As a child my first feelings for other males were mostly surrounded by jealousy, or wishing to be like them. When I perceived a boy as attractive, I wanted his attention because it made me feel like I was an analogue of that beauty. Attractive males are more special and more relevant than the rest of the population and I want to possess that power for myself.

As I grew up I started to understand my feelings and the way I felt about other guys really confused me. Even now, when I find myself attracted to somebody I process my feelings and thoughts & I find the reason I'm attracted is because I want to be him. I often don't like guys because I desire them, I like them because I wish I had the traits that I desire. Either there is something unique about the way he looks or his energy and I want to have that for myself. I don't think of myself as unattractive and neither does anybody else, but I accept that love comes with a lot of jealous feelings in gay relationships.

It's for all of these reasons that I often tell people, when someone says I love you, what they really mean is I love the way you make me feel about myself, because that is the real truth to the situation. I often find gay men telling me that they're looking for someone just like them, or someone just like them who is slightly different. I don't really think narcissism would be the right term for this social trend, so much as seeing things in other people that you also see or want in yourself.

I often worry that my view on love and relationships is unhealthy and unrealistic, because I am sexual abuse survivor. I received too much sexualization too early in life, and paid the price for many years dealing with attachment disorders that really made my interpersonal relationships a living nightmare when they could have been balanced and harmonious. Growing up my mom told me that you can only have sex if you're in love, and the truth is I'm really trying to overcome these issues now so much later in life. I wish she'd told me something more realistic, such as you can have safe sex with anybody you want- I think that would have prepared me a lot better for the world and the people in it.

A list of every guy I've had sex with

A lot of people don't know how many guys they've fucked, and I worry for those people because it seems reasonable to assume they are not thinking objectively about risks for STDs and HIV! I feel like this is a good time to reiterate that I only have safe sex even with boyfriends. Ironically, I am also statistically 1/10 as promiscuous of members of my peer group, and I write down everything in my diary.

As a gay person who has a small amount of internalized homophobia, I consider anything past kissing to be sex. Essentially if other people are in the room with you and you have an orgasm I almost consider that to be sex.

Here's a list of all the guys I've had sex with. They are listed in the order when I first had sex with them, the age at which I first had sex with them, their astrological sign, a grade of how good they were, and a brief note.

1. Jordan 19, White, Pisces, D+, not hot enough for me, uncut.

2. West 18, White, Taurus, A+, huge dick & very consistent will always miss.

3. Levi 22, White, Libra, B, not masculine enough to keep me interested.

4. Chun Yin 20, Asian, Aquarius, C, hole hungry for my dick but passionless.

5. Rik 53, White, Gemini, A-, so kinky that I still can't say no.

6. Seth 24, White, Aries, F, one night stand, passionless.

7. Rafi 40, Middle Eastern, Leo, C-, one night stand, passionless.

8. Fernando 39, Mexican, Cancer, C, great guy but lacking in too many areas.

9. Carlos 25, Mexican, Aries, B-, hot but lacking in too many areas.

10. Kerry 30, White, Virgo, A-, one night stand, visiting from abroad, uncut.

11. Drew 43, Black, Aries, C, amazing dick but a tit pig and sketchy.

12. Joshuar 19, Mixed Mexican/Greek/Japanese, Capricorn, B+, hot, young, and a biter, big dick uncut.

13. Alexander 23, Native American, Sagittarius, B, pushes all the right buttons, uncut.

14. Jaime 30, Mexican, Leo, D-, Foot fetish and bad kisser, uncut

15. Marco 23, Mexican/Italian, Libra, C, popers in the club lead to head in his car

16. Brian 30, White, Scorpio, A, Over 8 inches with an 8g prince albert, eventually let him stick it in and my ass bled for 4 days ;D

17. Gustavo, 30, Mexican, Leo, D-, non-existant dick and too hairy