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2012

2011-12-26T01:06:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how quickly 2011 went by! My Saturn return is in full effect and everything in my life has changed completely- job, house, relationships, etc. Life has been challenging but the truth is I'm happier than ever before. I thought my time was up but I have been getting my swag back.

I have a lot of things I need to focus on. It blows my mind how much my life has changed for the better... there's so much going on in my life that it's really hard for me to focus on anything... but basically I only have 5 things to really worry about.

drag debut this spring
work out
tattoos
more designer clothes
save more money

the way I feel about guys

2011-05-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

I have a problem... I can't love anybody and I can't receive any love.

I try to always see the good in people, and I don't look down on others. Obviously, I have nothing to offer a man at this point in my life so I'm not one to talk. With that being said, nobody makes me feel anything. I catch myself in siutations where I'm with someone and I will think to myself, wow this guy is really great... he's hot, nice and probably doing ok money wise... I should be head over heels but I just feel like that bitch ain't shit. I'm probably wrapped up because when it comes to guys I have a whole list of requirements... it doesn't feel organic in any way.

I used to get so horny and I still do, but sex doesn't really feel good to me any more. It's become something that I do because I feel like it's what I should be doing. I don't feel the passion anymore which is what I look for most in sex.

Peter Berlin was right about everything. Infatuation. The feelings I get from being attracted to men and them being attracted back to me is exhilarating and still fun. I fuck em without fuckin em.

dreams

2011-05-30T15:51:00.001-07:00

I want to live in a loft and drive a lotus or a mercedes SLK.

I dream about starting a biotech firm that focuses mainly on genomic cures for HIV.

I need enough money to go out every night and for better clothes. I dream about feeling hot enough and good enough, because for me that is how my brain defines omnipotence.

I want do the whole pride circuit every season. I want to go to LA, West Hollywood, Miami, and NYC... not just SF.

favorite themes

2011-05-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

loss of innocence
loss of sexual innocence
suffering
technology
people who have everything yet remain unfulfilled
voyeurism and exhibitionism
self-preservation
utopia
dystopian utopia
post apocalypse
addiction
fame
super intelligence
child prodigies
murder
torture
social upheaval/revolutions
shame
the obsolescence of intellectual property
undermining authority and power structures
magic
unity/ a shared sense of identity and experience
alternate universes

body modification

2011-05-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

I have always loved the idea that I can make myself into whatever I want, so the appearance can be a simulacra of the way I feel. In our culture, you can look however you want so long as you have the money to pay for procedures.

I was still in high school when I got my first piercing, and since then I got 5 in each ear, septum, snakebites, filtrum, smiley, nipples, and a single point in my clavicle. I only have ny nose and ears at this point, but that makes 18 total.

I think I was 19 when I got my first tattoo, and plan on getting a lot more as soon as I get the money for it. I'm planning out a back piece, chest and crotch piece, half sleeves, and ideally if money is never going to be an issue I'd like to do the neck and face as well.

I was only 20 years old when I got plastic surgery for the first time. I got my chest, stomach, and lower back lipoed with 8 entry points. It didn't hurt that much but over time your body builds up fat in those areas that have not been lipoed, so I need to get it touched up at some point.

As far as other work I'm planning I need laser resurfacing on my face, restalin for my lips, a brow lift and buccal fat removal, and perhaps rhinoplasty.

April 18, 2011

2011-04-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

Last night was my bday. Often it rains on my bday like it did last night.

I think there was also a full moon...

At some point during the day there was an earthquake, but I did not feel it.

Tax day is usually on 4/15 but this year it fell on my bday.

I saw multiple bums fighting throughout the course of the day.

I saw someone from high school who ironically I'd seen out Wednesday at the deco lounge, and sunday night at the glama-zone.

my taste in music

2011-04-14T13:40:00.001-07:00

I often use Pandora to listen to music on my phone, but it only let's one bookmark 100 artists. To make a long story short, my favorite music is peak hour, deep, jackin, minimal, tech, clubby, booty house, pop, and hip hop.

Afrojack
Akufen
Alexander Robotnick
Angel Alanis
Apparat
Armand Van Helden
Barbara Tucker
Basement Jaxx
Bassnectar
Beyonce
Bjork
Cajmere
Chelley
Chris Brown
Chuckie
Chus& Ceballos
Ciara
Claude Vonstroke
Crystal Castles
DJ Koze
DJ Rap
Danny Tenaglia
Dave Aude
David Guetta
David Harness
Deadmau5
Deep Dish
Derrick L. Carter
Digitalism
Diplo
Ellen Allien
Eric Prydz
Ester Dean
Eve
Felix Da Housecat
Fever Ray
Frankie Knuckles
Gigi D'Agostino
Gravy Train!!!!
Green Velvet
Hatiras
Hauswerks
Hipp-E
House Music United Radio
Hybrid
Jamie Principle
Jason DeRulo
Jesse Rose
John Digweed
Junior Jack
Jurgen Paape
Justin Martin
Kaskade
Kelis
Ke$ha
Khia
Kompakt 100
Kylie Minogue
Lady GaGa
Larry Tee
Lil' Kim
M.I.A.
Madonna
Major Lazer
Mark Farina
Matmos
Matthew Dear
Ministry of Sound
Miss Kittin
Missy Elliot
Moderat
Nadastrom
Naked Music
Nicki Minaj
Offer Nissim
Peaches
Pendulum
Ralphi Rosario
Rihanna
Robyn
Ron Carroll
Rosabel
RuPaul
Sarina Paris
Simian Mobile Disco
Solid Groove
Spank Rock
Stanton Warriors
Superpitcher
Switch
Swizz Beatz
The Knife
Timbaland
Trentemoller
Victor Calderone
Wynter Gordon

I feel like this is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg. A lot of music is not to be found on Pandora, but I do love the music genome project and wish I had the job of dissecting and categorizing sounds :D

100 truths

2011-04-02T12:46:00.000-07:00

1. Name: Darrin Eason Goodness

2. Age: 26

3. Zodiac sign: aries

4. Male or Female : male

5. Hair color: brown

6. Tall or short: short

7. Are you ticklish: yeah

8. Dress or jeans : jeans

9.If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be: $1,000,000

10.How many drugs have you done in the last three days: weed

11.What did your last text message you received on your cell say and who was it from: Merwyn- Hi

12.Name one thing you worry about running out of: money

13.Five things you would need to survive, if left alone on a deserted island: shelter, water desalinator, knife, laptop with wireless, toothbrush

14.What is your best physical feature: hands

15. Do you have a crush on someone?: no

16. What color are your bed sheets: blue

17.Peircings? nose and ears

18. Pepsi or Coke: neither

19.Been in an airplane: yes

20.Been in a relationship: yes

21.Do you talk to yourself: occasionally

22.What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower: probabaly Madonna

23.What do you do when no one is watching: eat

24. First bestfriend: Kelly Schultz

25.Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep: blaze of glory

26.First Crush: Link from Legend of Zelda

27.Driven a car?: many times

29.Last friend you talked to in person? Alain

30.Do you "label" yourself: gay, mixed

31.What do you think about the person who took this survey before you: not sure

32.If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would play you: Wilson Cruz

33. Last movie you watched: Showgirls

34. Last song you listened to: Dynamite- Stonebridge club remix by Taio Cruz

35. Last thing you bought: groceries

36. Last person you hugged: Mike Marielli

37. Food: indian, mexican, thai, sushi, american

38. Drinks: water, vodka soda

39. Bottoms: shorts

40. Flower: can I keep em?

41. Animal: seals

42. Colors: red, yellow, white, black

43. Movie: Showgirls

44. Subjects: biology

HAVE YOU EVER...

([X] meaning yes [ ] meaning no)

45. [x] fallen in love with someone

46. [x] celebrated Halloween

47. [x] had your heart broken

48. [x] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone

49. [x] wanted to smack someone upside the head

51. [x] eaten a whole pizza

52. [x] tried to do something, but couldn't succeed

53. [x] did something I regret.

54. [x] broke a promise

55. [x] hid a secret

56. [X] pretended to be happy

57. [x] met someone who changed your life

58. [x] pretended to be sick

59. [x] left the country

60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it

61. [x] cried over the silliest thing

62. [x] ran 5 miles

63. [x] went to the beach with your bestfriend

64. [x] got into an argument with your friends

65. [x] hated someone

66. [x] stayed single for a whole year

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating: nothing

68. Drinking: nothing

69. Listening to: refrigerator hum

70. Thinking about: having fun tonight

71. Plans for today: drinks at Lime later

72. Waiting for: 6pm when I'm off work

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids: no

74. Want to get married: maybe

75. Careers in mind: biomedical engineer

WHICH IS BETTER IN A POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST?:

76. Lips or eyes: lips

77. Shorter or taller: same height

78. Romantic or Spontaneous? both

79. Nice stomach or nice arms?: both

81. Hook-up or relationship?: hook up

82. Looks or personality?: looks

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: yeah

84. Snuck out of a house: no

85. Held a gun/knife for self defense: probably

86.Had your heart broken: yeah

87. Broken someone's heart: probably

88. Been in love: yeah

89. Cried when someone died: Yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: at times

91. Miracles: sometimes

92. Love at first sight: not sure

93. Heaven: no

94. Santa Clause: no

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? not sure

98. Do you know who your real friends are?: yeah

99. Do you believe in God?: no

100. Would you change something in your life?: yeah

my hilarious gay SF dating blog

2011-04-01T15:01:00.001-07:00

Remember when Left Eye broke down the math of just why TLC was bankrupt when they should have been living the good life? Here is the break down of why I'll never find a man even though I live in a sea of potential love interests. Everyone knows finding a man is next to impossible in SF, even though you would think it would be easier since it has such a high concentration of gay people. Here is the unfortunate reality:

When you go into any club in San Francisco half the guys are some sort of asian and immediately disqualified. I'm trying not to talk shit so all I'm going to say is not even with someone else's dick.

Of those leftover 50% of the club that is latin, black, and white, 1/2 of those guys are too old (over the age of 30) so now that only leaves 1/4 of the total as potentials. The sad truth is if a guy is over the age of 35, there's a really good chance he is HIV positive, which means they are not an option for me.

Of those remaining 1/4 of the total, half are too physically unattractive or their shit is fucked up in some way. The sad reality is that aside from money, looks are the most relevant commodity in our culture, so that means only 1/8 of guys in SF are attractive enough and in my age bracket.

Since our culture puts so much emphasis on beauty, when someone is hot there's a good chance he knows it. When you are on the top of the food chain you can fuck whoever you want and being really promiscuous puts one's health at risk, so that eliminates half of the 1/8, leaving only 1/16 of the total population as hot enough, not asian, and not too promiscuous.

Of the remaining 1/16, half are either mentally fucked up in some way, so lost in addiction that there's no turning back, or too ghetto and have no plan for their future. Obviously, being around someone like that is a recipe for disaster.

So at the end of the day, when everything is said and done, that leaves only 3% of guys in San Francisco as potential love interests. Obviously, those are just potentials... anyone can tell you it's rare to find somebody and have a serious connection with that person...

narcissistic infatuation

2011-03-25T14:40:00.000-07:00

I've always said the best part about being gay is that I am able to be the thing that I desire. I'm gay, so what I see in other men I also see (or want to see) in myself. Obviously, masculine beauty is what I seek for myself as well as in a significant other. When I was a little boy I found myself attracted to other boys but without the sexual desire that encompasses adult attraction.

Because I was young in the 90s in the suburbs, people were a lot less open. I am part of the last generation to not see myself represented in culture and media, so the realization about the way I feel in some senses was very organic. As a child my first feelings for other males were mostly surrounded by jealousy, or wishing to be like them. When I perceived a boy as attractive, I wanted his attention because it made me feel like I was an analogue of that beauty. Attractive males are more special and more relevant than the rest of the population and I want to possess that power for myself.

As I grew up I started to understand my feelings and the way I felt about other guys really confused me. Even now, when I find myself attracted to somebody I process my feelings and thoughts & I find the reason I'm attracted is because I want to be him. I often don't like guys because I desire them, I like them because I wish I had the traits that I desire. Either there is something unique about the way he looks or his energy and I want to have that for myself. I don't think of myself as unattractive and neither does anybody else, but I accept that love comes with a lot of jealous feelings in gay relationships.

It's for all of these reasons that I often tell people, when someone says I love you, what they really mean is I love the way you make me feel about myself, because that is the real truth to the situation. I often find gay men telling me that they're looking for someone just like them, or someone just like them who is slightly different. I don't really think narcissism would be the right term for this social trend, so much as seeing things in other people that you also see or want in yourself.

I often worry that my view on love and relationships is unhealthy and unrealistic, because I am sexual abuse survivor. I received too much sexualization too early in life, and paid the price for many years dealing with attachment disorders that really made my interpersonal relationships a living nightmare when they could have been balanced and harmonious. Growing up my mom told me that you can only have sex if you're in love, and the truth is I'm really trying to overcome these issues now so much later in life. I wish she'd told me something more realistic, such as you can have safe sex with anybody you want- I think that would have prepared me a lot better for the world and the people in it.

A list of every guy I've had sex with

2011-03-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

A lot of people don't know how many guys they've fucked, and I worry for those people because it seems reasonable to assume they are not thinking objectively about risks for STDs and HIV! I feel like this is a good time to reiterate that I only have safe sex even with boyfriends. Ironically, I am also statistically 1/10 as promiscuous of members of my peer group, and I write down everything in my diary.

As a gay person who has a small amount of internalized homophobia, I consider anything past kissing to be sex. Essentially if other people are in the room with you and you have an orgasm I almost consider that to be sex.

Here's a list of all the guys I've had sex with. They are listed in the order when I first had sex with them, the age at which I first had sex with them, their astrological sign, a grade of how good they were, and a brief note.

1. Jordan 19, White, Pisces, D+, not hot enough for me, uncut.

2. West 18, White, Taurus, A+, huge dick & very consistent will always miss.

3. Levi 22, White, Libra, B, not masculine enough to keep me interested.

4. Chun Yin 20, Asian, Aquarius, C, hole hungry for my dick but passionless.

5. Rik 53, White, Gemini, A-, so kinky that I still can't say no.

6. Seth 24, White, Aries, F, one night stand, passionless.

7. Rafi 40, Middle Eastern, Leo, C-, one night stand, passionless.

8. Fernando 39, Mexican, Cancer, C, great guy but lacking in too many areas.

9. Carlos 25, Mexican, Aries, B-, hot but lacking in too many areas.

10. Kerry 30, White, Virgo, A-, one night stand, visiting from abroad, uncut.

11. Drew 43, Black, Aries, C, amazing dick but a tit pig and sketchy.

12. Joshuar 19, Mixed Mexican/Greek/Japanese, Capricorn, B+, hot, young, and a biter, big dick uncut.

13. Alexander 23, Native American, Sagittarius, B, pushes all the right buttons, uncut.

14. Jaime 30, Mexican, Leo, D-, Foot fetish and bad kisser, uncut

15. Marco 23, Mexican/Italian, Libra, C, popers in the club lead to head in his car

16. Brian 30, White, Scorpio, A, Over 8 inches with an 8g prince albert, eventually let him stick it in and my ass bled for 4 days ;D

17. Gustavo, 30, Mexican, Leo, D-, non-existant dick and too hairy

feeling guilty for having too much fun

2011-02-18T15:55:00.000-08:00

I often feel guilty for having too much fun and getting away with it, which happens to be a strange paradox.

Maybe I feel guilty for leaving people out and not taking them on a wild adventure with me through life. The truth is it makes me feel isolated when I can do all these things that others can't. My looks are nothing like they were when I was young, but I'm doing the best possible job at maintaining what I have. I'm really old but I'm still going strong and have no intention of slowing down or doing less, in fact I plan on doing quite the opposite. I'm being doingness, not doing beingness. As I've gotten older and more confident, I have been able to turn up the volume on my life. Moving downtown has made going out so much easier and cheaper.

I should be able to have it all, but that's not how life works for any of us. I feel like a simulacra of Peter Berlin, and see the huge role eroticism plays in my life. Just like him I don't really ever have sex, I just fuck em without fuckin em. But the feelings that I live for could be summed up in Britney Spears' song "Breathe On Me." I love the feelings of electricity and exhilaration I feel just from being attracted to other men and them being attracted to me.

Living in San Francisco is a bubble, because it has the most options when it comes to guys. No where else is there such a large dating pool, which makes settling down impossible. How could I ever trust a guy enough to attempt a relationship? I know exactly what goes on between men when they are left up to their own devices.

More importantly, how can I expect a guy to trust me when I am honest about my activities and life style? I go out 5 times a week, sometimes anywhere from 7-11 days in a row. I drink to get drunk every night and I smoke weed throughout the day. I do hard drugs and have a lot of fun with it.

I am a fierce motherfucka who shuts it down on the dance floor every time I hit it. Dancing makes me feel everything. I feed off the attention & love to show off for people. Honestly, it makes my whole body feel like it's on fire. I love to socialize, meet new people, and keep up with the ones I have in my life. I want to get a taste of what everybody is all about.

And there ain't a thing wrong with that...

love addiction

2011-02-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

I am addicted to the feeling of being in love.

Everybody has problems, yet mine always seem the most insurmountable because I have to live them. I don't have problems living in the moment, creating my own happiness, or with anxiety or insecurity- all of my biggest interpersonal struggles come from unrealistic expectations of love and love interests.

Like many people, my physically and sexually abusive childhood negatively affects my psychology, and even now as an adult I am not able to function in normal ways. One of the textbook definitions of narcissistic personality disorder is a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, and all of these traits are part of my daily experience. Although some narcissistic traits are common and can be part of maturing, when these traits are compounded by a failure of the interpersonal environment and continue into adulthood they can cause serious issues which may manifest into addiction and addictive behavior.

Just to quickly touch on other aspects of addiction in my life, I'd like to say that it's obvious that I have substance abuse problems, which are very common to members of the gay community. I have not been sober for more than a few days my entire adult life. In all honesty it's rare that I go more than half a day being sober. I was in my late teens when I started using, and I often feel like I'm a teenager frozen in time. Perhaps the drug abuse enables the love addiction in a way because my brain will not mature and handle feelings in a responsible manner. To my brain, handling emotions in an immature fashion makes me feel safe.

Now that I have gotten a little bit older, I realize there are major differences between me and a mentally healthy individual. I personally think I might have attachment disorders because my sense of boundaries with other people, both physical as well as emotional, are often non-existent. I always think I'm "classy" but the truth is that if I think a guy happens to be just cute enough, let alone hot, I will start to have sex with him within the first few minutes of contact! As long as I feel like the person is into me I cross boundaries that are not appropriate to be crossing, which gets me into trouble and probably is the real reason why all my romances are short lived and dysfunctional.

It takes me all of a few minutes to fall in love with someone, and I get infatuated with guys way too fast. I have done every drug except for heroin, and to be quite honest the exhilaration and euphoria I get from a guy feels a million times better to me than any chemical could. In my life, as long as I have a love interest I stay optimistic whether or not that person reciprocates feelings. Every time I develop feelings for another man, my reasoning and logic goes completely out the door. I see things in people that do not exist because I want them to, and I build guys up to an impossible paragon of perfection just because I get wrapped up in my emotions and can't handle reality. Obviously, nothing works out, and rationally I know that I can't expect that much from guys.

I realize now that most of what I think and feel about love are views that I inherited from my mother, and they are both delusional and unhealthy. When I am in a relationship, I become obsessed with keeping that person in my life no matter how toxic the relationship is to me, because at the end of the day I know that love isn't real and I'm trying to force it into my life. I become a totally different person- essentially everything except myself in the hopes that I am playing the game flawlessly. I get codependent fast, and completely lose my identity in another person. All of my relationship patterns are predictable, and always turn out the same way. This cyclical manifestation of codependency is an example of how serious my disease really happens to be.

Obviously all this sounds totally retarded, and could apply to every human, but Dr. Drew says that addiction really does encompass any cyclical behavior that is negatively impacting ones life, and to be quite honest this is my biggest challenge.

I've lived long enough to understand that love does not exist, and it's not possible to find happiness in another person. If I am ever able to accept these feelings I think I could overcome my amorous narcissism.

the genetic basis of electronic music

2011-02-04T13:59:00.000-08:00

In contemporary times, musical instruments have become archaic, and now all music is produced electronically. As all sound is digitized, I find the mirroring between genetics and music very relevant because it has become such an integral part of culture. Technology has allowed contemporary musicians the ability to dissect and map out sounds by dividing them up into tiny pieces of digital information, similar to alleles, genes, and chromosomes coded together to comprise a larger entity.

I myself have even used these programs such as Reason and Pro Tools to make tribal house, and take great pleasure in how music production can now be made available to everyone. Technology has provided humans facility of expression, and in a sense added a communist spin to music- if you truly are an expert in any genre of music then all you need is your aesthetic, and then the music you produce will be wildly successful. Just like it costs merely $1,000 to get your genome sequenced, anybody can now produce music.

Listening to contemporary music is like a study in population genetics. Sounds have been reduced to gene regulation, and are spliced together to make up a song. Essentially, if a sound is pleasing enough to the current aesthetics and collective consciousness, that sound will survive and be perpetuated, and if that sound is super appealing it will soon become ubiquitous because that sound is the best fit. Much like natural selection, music that currently is produced either dies or survives by those willing to listen to it.

Conversely, genetic drift does apply to techno. Much like the seemingly infinite genetic variation in humans, there will always be a place for all sounds even if they are not omnipresent in contemporary music. Essentially genetic drift still applies in face of natural section, which allows those sounds not catchy enough to be pop music to perpetuate themselves over time. As more time passes it's easy to observe these trends in music.

It's like I often say to myself, that if you like a song the good news is that you will probably hear it over and over again over the years- remixed and sampled. I especially appreciate cross genre sampling, although contemporary monoculture really means there is only one type of music. If you yourself are confused about exactly what it is in your favorite music that gets you, simply use Pandora's Music Genome Project to identify which attributes of music are appealing to you most.

Jealousy is such an evil thing...

2011-01-08T13:36:00.000-08:00

Now that I am older, I've come to have a much more realistic view of love and relationships. When I was younger, and even in the recent past I held onto unrealistic expectations of people, love, and relationships, and I made the huge mistake of assuming that finding a relationship would make my life be better and make me a happier person.

I've gotten off to a slow start and only had sex with a few guys in the beginning, thinking that I would somehow find "the one" and settle down, which does not happen in gay relationships especially when one is younger. I've been with a lot more people now, and I accept the fact that nobody will ever just be mine. Demanding a life time commitment from someone is both unfair and unrealistic. Jealousy is a negative emotion and one I don't want to have in my life, and moving past it has been a huge challenge but has made me much more well adjusted and fit to survive in the complex, modern world.

I love it when I go out and I see guys I hooked up with hooking up with other guys. It turns me on a lot actually! Even when boyfriends cheated on me I didn't get mad unless they lied about it... there's something sexy about seeing someone u know intimately hook up or have sex with other people. In a way one gets a truer sense of who the person really is.

With that being said, I don't think I could ever be in an open relationship, because I don't think of them as real. In my opinion, one is just having sex more with one person than they are with everyone else.

I know I should read The Ethical Slut because a lot of people told me that it's a good book but I feel like journeying into this world would be depressing for me, because it would be another example of trying to accept the fact that love does not exist.

Happy 2011

2011-01-04T14:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to lie, I spent many years of my life being miserable and contemplating suicide on a daily basis. I am a lot better now! Pain never goes away, but time really does dull it. My new year's resolution is to be a lot more active. I have been a lot more social and active than ever before, yet I still feel like I need to turn up the volume on my life! To a lesser extent, my new years resolution is to be more mysterious and disclose a lot less. My mouth has always had a tendency to get me into trouble.

I've had more money which has contributed to this happiness. I'm not stuck not being able to do anything, I'm able to show out as much as I want and tip everyone really well. That's the thing about money that I was never able to do- be greedy and try to hold onto it for myself.

For the holidays me and my gay bff partied every single day for 11 days in a row. I feel really comfortable in Castro and other party atmospheres. They are kind of like a home away from home, and they do give me the feeling of family- a shared experience can be very comforting.

When I am active I have energy to do all that I intend to. Sometimes being fit can be scary, just because my mind and body are not used to being able to go as hard and as long as they can.

New Years I went to a fat underground party which would have been amazing except it got broken up at midnight. Lucky for me right after arriving I'd met a guy who I'd seen out at badlands many times. I kissed him on new years then brought him home, we spent the next two days together and I'm really feeling him. I'd seen him around many times and wanted to say hi but I was shy, even though I'm not a shy person.

Happy Holidaze

2010-12-20T15:45:00.000-08:00

When I was a little boy, I would look forward all year for christmas. In retrospect, I realize now that the reason I was so excited was only because it meant I was getting presents.

Now that I'm older the magic is gone. For a few years I spent christmas with whichever boyfriend I had at the time, and since I've been single for a few years now, I end up spending it with friends clubbing.

Obviously, I'm an atheist, and don't believe that Jesus ever existed. The holiday season is a shameful demonstration of greed and commercialism.

I've turned into such a Grinch! I can't put into words how much I hate the holidays! I also can't put into words how much I despise those who love the holidays.

10 random things, facts, habits, or goals about me

2010-12-17T13:55:00.000-08:00

1. I came into this world ass first, or so my parents claimed. My mom had to have a c-section because I was not positioned correctly. Ironically I'm a top.

2. I'm really into astrology and make almost all my judgements about other people and life plans accordingly.

3. I have had 19 piercings in my life, but right now just my nose. When I get enough money I'm getting tatted up.

4. Not many people know that I can speak french fluently. My last name was americanized from LaBonté.

5. I'm a cutter. When I'm going thru painful events in my life the only way I can deal is to externalize my pain.

6. I look young because I sleep at least 10 hours every night, essentially. Also I eat my vegetabales.

7. My only goal is to start a biotech firm, own a loft, drive a lotus, and get more plastic surgery. Life is not about love, it's about money.

8. The only things that make me truly euphoric are house music, ecstasy, weed, and clubbing with my boiz.

9. When I'm not sick I work out 5 days a week but only for about half an hour. That's how come my body always looks good, but never looks great.

10. I've been around the whole world but would never leave California. If I leave the bay it would only be to move to Hollywood or somewhere hot and exotic, like Ibiza...

Burlesque

2010-12-10T14:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I was lucky enough to finally go see Burlesque! Initially, I was concerned because I'd read a few reviews that said Xtina was a bad actress, but I was pleasantly surprised by how well she did!

I did think stylistically the movie was great, and you could tell a lot of work went into all the numbers. The costumes were fun too.

The only thing I could not believe was that there was no Cher/Xtina duet! Maybe they're saving that one for Burlesque 2?

things I require in a man

2010-12-03T18:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not delusional enough to fall in love, but I have 6 pieces of criteria when choosing a love interest- how big is the dick, lips, and ass, what kind of drugs does he do, how much money does he have, and what kind of car does he drive.

JK!

Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm extremely stubborn and essentially tell people what they want to hear, then do whatever I want. I rarely take advice, but I did get some advice today that I'm really taking to heart.

Anyways, the bit of advice I got was if I want to settle down I should stop looking. It makes a lot of sense actually! So I accept reality. I'm not going to try to force anything. I may never fall in love again. If that happens, I will survive.

With that being said, brainstorming exactly what I want could really help me to focus on what I can get out of a relationship. I'm not crazy. I know forever does not exist, and I accept the fact that healthy relationships mean not being jealous and allowing the other person freedom. Relationships can only work out if both people are really allowed to just be themselves.

In the past I've realized that I've been everything except myself. I'm a people pleaser, and Oprah says people with that personality type are really full of rage. I get so wrapped up in what I think I'm supposed to be, or what I think the other person wants, needs, and expects from me that I end up completely losing myself in someone else. For many reasons this is comforting to me, but not condusive to a healthy relationship that can last.

I really do feel like I've had enough fun. I've been scandalous enough and wild in the streets too many times. I've done a fuck ton of drugs, had sex with way too many guys (every sign of the zodiac except Scorpio and Sagittarius, but who's counting) and already had enough short lived dysfunctional romances to label myself a serial dater. I struggle with codependency and enmeshment, which I blame on my abusive childhood. Yet, as dysfunctional and miserable as my parents marriage was, I know the only reason I'm able to maintain relationships at all is because they never got divorced.

Obviously, I wouldn't date myself but every day I am trying to be better. I don't think I'm ugly, but I do accept the fact that I'm a ghetto loser and I know that's why I can't get a man. The only constant in life is change, and I am trying to forgive myself and let things go. I have a lot of potential into which I'm not tapping, and I accept responsability for that.

I'm not asking for u to fall in love, or for some great romance. Just be with me until the feeling's gone...

I'm looking for someone who wants adventure and to experience life by my side. Someone who can chill when it's time to be calm. I accept the fact that I can't change anybody and my significant other has to feel the same way. Love that lasts forever means you have to keep choosing that person every day, and codependency is not sustainable.

Physically, I'm attracted to really hot guys, and the method for measuring beauty would be the Hollywood paradigm. I prefer flawless faces and bodies, but past that I find myself attracted to big lips, huge cocks, and big asses. I need someone who can keep up with me sexually, who wants to get off with me at least 2 or 3 times a day.

doesn't try to make me jealous (there is a huge difference between being free and yourself and doing things in an underhanded way)

accepts the fact that open relationships are not relationships, it just means one is having sex with another person more than all the others

accepts fitness and nutrition as a life long commitment

surprises me and keeps me interested

has social grace and knows how to deal with people

wants to become wealthy together

tips well and speaks to everyone in a respectful manner

open minded

feels the same way as me about politics and religion

a good attitude

likes house music

cool with weed

knows how to pick fruit and vegetables

likes kids and animals but doesn't want any

les nouvelles

2010-11-30T15:24:00.000-08:00

The ‘War on Drugs’ has failed: policy should be based on science and human rights

World AIDS day is tomorrow, so I hope everyone is reaching out to peers affected by this epidemic, would at this point means everbody!

Thin Air: Oxygen Atmosphere Found on Saturn's Moon Rhea

intergenerational checks in the gay community

2010-11-26T19:09:00.000-08:00

Anyone who is gay can tell you how much stratification there is among the gay community when it comes to age. When it comes to socializing, generational taboos are the standard, which unfortunately limits ones' views of community from not being able to experience the entire spectrum. For example, I have been partying in the Castro for about 8 years now, but I have never been to 440 Castro, The Mix, The Edge, The Midnight Sun, and basically every other bar where the target audience is not pretty guys in their early to mid 20s.

Why has such a large division in one community come about? How is it detrimental?

Obviously, it's not possible to take about this topic without mentioning the HIV epidemic, which I feel is the main reason for the large absence of intergenerational checks. So many people were lost at the height of the epidemic that essentially entire generations were more or less completely wiped out. Unfortunately, due to HIV we lost a great deal of history and so many special creative individuals, and the saddest thing is that there is no way to get that energy back.

From loosing so many peers I easily understand how older generations could become spiteful and shy away from younger kids. Observing my younger generation who essentially gets to have its cake and eat it too- being more far removed from HIV and enjoying more tolerant times without so much struggle, seems like it could cause conflict between those who had to struggle so much harder and longer. It's safer now, and although internalized homophobia will always be present in our community, the amounts younger kids go through are nothing compared to intolerant views from yesteryear, which does make our relationships easier, more open, and more loving.

At the same time, so much of my identity and self worth is centered around my beauty and more specifically my youth. When I was a pre-teen I was much more conscious of the fact that I was a novelty, which provided me a special place in the gay community. Essentially all my time money and effort go into maintaining my looks and well being and the real reason is I know I don't have a chance finding a great guy if I don't look as good as I possibly can. The emphasis on youth in the gay community is unparalleled. The gay community is profoundly narcissistic and shallow, and youth culture is emphasized even more than it is in the mainstream- in which youth is already the paradigm. Men are visual, and as a result beauty in the gay community is the most important aspect of being.

Yet as much as there exists a divide between generations, sex between them is much more acceptable that it would be in straight relationships. Age disparity in sexual relationships... May/December relationships are much more acceptable, mostly due to gender roles between partners- there's not someone to play the man and someone to play the woman, so relationships are not going to be the same as they are in opposite marriage. The social constructions of sugar daddies and their counterparts are more intrinsic to our nature, and although everyone frowns upon them, they are not met with as much hostility.

Younger gays, especially with the Internet are now able to realize who they are, and what they want out of sex a lot faster than in the past- a lot of gay youths become more sexually active at younger ages, and since it's safe to say that having daddy issues is rather common in the gay community, it leads into more socially acceptable sexual relationships with older men.

Although I am making a lot of generalizations, these same feelings and issues are present in my own life. Growing up, my father physically and sexually abused me, which later in life has caused me to have attachment disorders and very complicated relationships with older men- on one hand being held in high regard by older men is very healing for me. In a way, it fills a deep void that has been there since childhood, but like any complex psychological issue, it's not that simple. As good as the attention can feel I can never trust them, and I find myself acting out all these issues with them. I see them for what they truly are, and mostly find them disgusting because they remind me of my father.

What does make me sad is how much struggle that went on the past that youth is not acknowledging in the present. Older generations fought to create all these safe spaces for us, and when I can I always tell them how grateful I am for them and the world they've created for people like me.

club drama

2010-11-26T13:48:00.000-08:00

Last night was Thanksgiving, and since I'm always in the city for real holidays I like to go out to the clubs because it's reasonable to assume everyone there will be the kind of people that actually live here, and not the people who "live" here.

Last night as I was coming out of Church station to go kick it at Lime, I saw what I first thought was a bum bent over, trying to draw attention to his calves, which were in fact nice, actually that was the first thing I noticed about this person.

I walked by and was waiting for the outside side entrance to open so I could go punch the door code to the inside locked door. The guy came right up to me and asked me if I party, which means if I smoke meth or not. I said I didn't, and he said that's why he probably didn't see me out, even though I've been partying in Castro for the past 8 years.

Right away he started to ask me for $20 to suck my dick, which I thought was pretty cheap, cause I've heard of crack whores always saying 20 to suck, 40 to fuck. In the big scheme of things this white guy didn't look terrible, and he didn't look that weathered. It seemed like he was trying to pretend to be straight, and he also said he had friends who were down for some group action.

I actually won't pay for sex... I would let a guy to pay me to suck my dick but that would only be if I knew the guy was clean. This guy kept telling me that I have such a good face that I should have sugar daddies, but I don't like that dynamic in a relationship and I can make my own money. It's strange how intrinsic having sex with people for money is to most people.

It was the desperation that really struck me. I would have loved to have sex with this guy because he was attractive, because when I declined he tried to massage me. Also, I knew crossing boundaries with this individual would put me at risk. I gave him $5 and told him a few times that he should spend it on food. He gave me a really tight hug. I saw the same guy later that night before I stepped into Badlands and he tried to hug me but I said I had to go.

It makes me sad how self destructive so many people in our community are.

Ironically later that night I saw Drew Boston the anaesthesiologist who I had sex with twice out... he was belligerently drunk and was kind of acting like a bitch. He said he wanted to go home and have sex with me but I was out with my friends, which made him upset and he said, "Fuck you, Darrin! You always do this to me!" He went to the dance floor and tried to hook up with other guys but they kept rejecting him.

I don't appreciate how complicated my relationships with other guys happen to be.

les nouvelles

2010-11-23T16:42:00.000-08:00

Antiretroviral Drugs Can Prevent HIV in Men Who Have Sex With Men, Study Shows

Stem Cells from Amniotic Fluid: Reprogrammed Amniotic Fluid Cells Can Generate All Types of Body Cells

Early Universe Was a Liquid, Nuclei Collisions at the Large Hadron Collider Show

Brightest ever 'starburst' spotted in space after two huge galaxies collide

Revolutionary stem cells treatment that could cure blindness to be tested on humans for the first time

The glue made from genetically-modified bacteria that can knit cracks in concrete back together

loosing people

2010-11-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that my biggest challenges seem to be love and loss. It sounds weak to admit this, but what I mostly think about is falling in love and making it last forever. The future is not certain for any of us, and although we exert a fair amount of free will over our fates, I observe much suffering in the world, and huge absences of love.

Love is the most powerful of drugs, and seems to skew my judgement and rationality worse than any substance has. I find platonic love just as challenging- the realization that friends I care about will leave me is sometimes just as devastating; when loved ones talk about dying before me I really feel the pain of loss, even though it has not yet come to pass. I feel psychic because I'm able to feel things before they happen.

It makes me really sad when I realize that I'll be alone after people I choose to love fall away. Thinking rationally, I know it's unfair and unrealistic to demand life long commitments from people. Existence is transitory, life on earth doesn't work like that, and I am fundamentally narcissistic to blindly assume I will be the one left behind. Yet I've always felt as though I will somehow find a way to achieve immortality because my fear of death is so strong I fight it with my entire spirit and life force.

Perhaps it's because I'm an Aries which is represented by a baby that I'm so single minded, and have such simplistic views towards humans and relationships. At the same time Arians' spiritual goal is to learn the meaning of selfless love.

Aries are supposed to embrace change, but for me it just seems painful. I feel like I have already experienced loss at a rather fundamental level, but I'm not trying to tell a sob story here on a blog, everyone has one and I don't have time for any of them.

four letter word

2010-11-17T17:30:00.000-08:00

For my whole life finding love has been my number one goal... I choose not to talk to peers about this goal because it makes one sound week. I'm just like my mom when it comes to guys- infinitely weak, incalculably more naive.

As I've gotten older, my priorities in life and views on love and human relationships have changed. I'm more experienced, and understand some things more deeply than I did when I was young.

Now it doesn't matter who I'm with, I always find myself thinking about other guys. Throughout the day, I find myself attracted to more than one attractive man.

It's for these reasons I feel like my love can never be pure.

Sun in Scorpio

2010-11-13T13:15:00.000-08:00

For a while I have been having really intense dreams and I often remember the next day! For an extended period of time they were almost exclusively nightmares, but I have had a few good dreams as well. In most of my nightmares I'm running from something- usually some sort of superhuman, omnipotent, deadly and nefarious force. My lungs are always burning and I'm always doing whatever it takes to escape- jumping over fences and walls to flee. I did have one very lucky dream where I was infinitely wealthy living in a mansion on Miami beach, I would lay out naked and tan all the time because my dick was as big as the hydrant- not the one provided for fire fighters thru public works but the sex toy. I would just keep meeting guys on the beach then take them back to my house and fuck them.

Often when the sun is in Scorpio I have an intense time going thru life. I face much opposition, but then also feel as though my power is building itself up. I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to work more; moreover it was in a job that pays $25 an hour, so by the end of the night I will be in a much more secure place than I've been in for essentially the past 3 years.

Last night we went to the club, and we basically saw a belligerently drunk person die on the street- whole pints of blood were pouring out of the head and running down the sidewalk on a slight incline- life and death are so closely linked sometimes they seem analogous... at the end of the night the ambulance came through and washed all the blood off with the special bio hazard white powder.

I also found an iPhone that night and someone else's coat check. I was scrupulous and returned the coat check tag to the coat check- I held onto the phone cause I found it at an ATM and in the hopes of reaching it, I tried to pick it up when calls came through to it in the hopes of telling whoever picks up to alert that person that I have his or her phone, but when I tried to answer it nothing came thru. I also found a Last night, when we got back to my friend's house above Lime on Market street, we were locked out! Luckily for us, Greg the owner of Lime and Trigger was out so he really saved us that night! I had naively tried to climb up on some garbage bins before. Highs and lows...

les nouvelles

2010-11-13T13:10:00.000-08:00

Mind Is a Frequent, but Not Happy, Wanderer: People Spend Nearly Half Their Waking Hours Thinking About What Isn’t Going on Around Them

New Forms of Highly Efficient, Flexible Nanogenerator Technology

Decisions Made by Communities of Bacteria Trump Game Theory

a list of pop culture of which I'm not a fan...

2010-10-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

gossip girl

katy perry

twilight

vampire shows

all network television

Glee

Sex and the city

MIA

Harry Potter

Race Relations

2010-10-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

Race does not exist biologically. All these constructions of race are culturally created.

I'm mixed, so it doesn't matter who I date, or even with whom I'm interacting, it's always going to be interracial.

I personally am only physically attracted to black, mexican, and to a lesser extent white men. I've tried to make myself be physically attracted to asian men but I'm not able.

But what I have to say about my preferences is irrelevant... living on the earth for almost 30 years has given me plenty of time to really observe the way people interact and feel about other groups of people... perhaps being mixed has made it easier for me to interact with other ethnic groups, so I can observe them from the inside out.

Obviously, white people seem to be "all or nothing" when it comes to accepting other ethnic groups... either they're totally cool with minorities or they hate anybody who's not white. Also, a lot of times white people single out a certain group- i.e. middle easterners, jews, gays, etc, and are cool with every group aside from which ever one has been chosen to be scapegoated.

It seems obvious that asian people don't like black people but spend their entire lives wishing they could be white.

Black people seem to be pretty accepting of white people, asians, and mexicans so long as they feel like they're not being disrespected.

Mexicans seem to warm up to white or black people, but I have never really experienced the nuances of how they feel about asians.

It's just like Jerri Blank says- Black on white, outta site, black on sloat, there ain't no hope...

les nouvelles

2010-10-08T14:31:00.000-07:00

Researchers discover new class of objects encoded within the genome

Too Much of a Good Thing: Human Activities Overload Ecosystems With Nitrogen

Powerful Supercomputer Peers Into the Origin of Life

Researchers engineer adult stem cells that do not age

Darrin Goodness's tips for bottoming

2010-09-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

I tell others that I am an oral top, and that's the truth... cause I'll suck your dick and eat you out, but then I want to fuck that ass after. I only bottom for boyfriends, or someone I'm close to because it takes a lot of trust to let someone go down there and get freaky.

But the real truth is that I am a true versatile. I rarely fuck, but I like to get fucked just as much as I love fucking. It seems as though people who are really into top and bottom roles most likely are suffering from internalized homophobia. I don't feel the same everyday, and don't really see how others could. Always 50/50 in relationships.

What people really fail to realize is that the all anal interludes we enjoy thru porn are totally not reality! A lot of time and effort goes into bottoming... unless you're older and been fucked by many guys over the course of many years, things like that don't just happen. Bottoms rule! It gets messy... put a towel down.

When I was young I just automatically assumed I would hate being fucked and it would never feel good, and for many years that was the case. I was always blown away by some guys ability to really take it hard, and in every position, nobody from my generation can claim that porn did not have a significant impact to the way they view sex and sexuality. However, as I've gotten older and more time passes, I've found that getting fucked right by a good dick can be amazing and make me cum really hard!

rule number 0- safe sex is not something that's up for debate! Be safe and live long enough to find the right one. I have never let a man fuck me raw even once in my entire life even though I have been in multiple long term relationships. Long story short, guys were dirty and picking things up here and there. Your sexual health is not something to take lightly! Sex can kill and it's been so since I was born. Obviously, if you and you man are in it for the long haul, and you are absolutely sure that you and he are not messing around with other people you may choose to have raw sex.

1. Practice makes perfect! In order to be able to accommodate a penis inside your asshole one must get a toy to learn how to be able to relax and what to feel. I personally think the only dildos that one can work with are the really soft and squishy jelly ones... the only thing that sucks is you probably still have to put a condom on it. Better yet let your partner loosen you up. Thrusting is not really an aspect of loosening up. If you're laying on your back, always make sure it goes in and then up towards your crotch- that's the proper way to hit the prostate. It helps a lot if you clean yourself out back there. Don't mess with the ass if you're having digestive issues that day.

2. If you want to fuck an ass you better be ready to eat it out first! If you have a full beard be careful cause the skin back there can get broken easily. Younger guys can get rimmed for longer periods of time... it feels better to them because they still have more sensation overall back there. Older guys just want their ass licked for a minute or two and then they want the dick.

3. Nobody knows why, but everyone assumes that bottoms like fingering. I've never really met one who has sung the the praises of it but it can feel good if the guy knows how to do it right. Make sure your fingernails are cut the fuck back and hang nails are not present! If a guy knows how to stimulate your prostate you can cum really hard from fingering- really fat fingers can feel good if you go in then pull up and keep stimulating the boy g spot. Spit can work but it doesn't hold up.

4. Use a lot of lube and make sure some of get some inside the hole. Even if the guy is uncut, an anus is not able to lubricate on its own, so you need some help in that department. In all honesty numbing cream can be your friend, although some people think it can be dangerous cause you don't realize if things are getting torn up or not.

5. The only way to get a dick inside me is for me to sit on it. I don't know about y'all, but after I can get a little more relaxed then we can change positions, but if the dick comes out, then I have to sit on it again. There's 2 sphincters- the internal and the external... the external is easier to learn to relax, it's the internal muscle that is always clenched up. When I fuck a guy I don't thrust too much, cause I know it doesn't feel good. The best way to fuck is to just go deep, and then pull up. If you really get all the way in and then gently and really slowly move your dick up and around inside it will stimulate the prostate and not just push and pull on the skin lining the entrance to the asshole, which burns and gets irritated. That way, the base of your cock is putting all the pressure on your bottom's prostate and that feels a lot better than just getting fucked.

6. Bigger really is better, especially when we're talking about girth. In my experiences, smaller dicks poke around the walls on the inside, so things aren't really hitting right. Really big dicks just kind of fill everything up from the inside, and I suppose put more pressure on the prostate, so it feels better overall.

7. Bottoms rule! If you're allowing a man to put his penis inside you, that means all of a sudden you are in charge that cock. If he is thrusting too much, or it's not feeling good take control! It's up to you to communicate to him whether or not he's making you feel good, and a good top makes sure his bottom cums hard with a dick in the ass. That's how one becomes a good fuck.

8. Drugs and alcohol should be avoided during sex, if you need a substance to be able to perform that means you have a sexual dysfunction which is unhealthy and more importantly you can end up damaging tissue.

I personally like kissing, jerking, and sucking the best. I like to be playful and innocent with guys, but everyone likes something different. If you find someone you like and want to do everything with that person, make sure communication is open and honest. Getting fucked is supposed to feel good, not be a daunting task from which nobody receives pleasure...

The Prince and The Pauper: Class Jumping and Gay Relationships

2010-08-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

I'll admit to it, I'm ghetto. Growing up, food wasn't always something guaranteed. If that doesn't fit your definition of "ghetto" I don't know what does. Money is still an idea so intrinsic to being that we often don't take a step back to evaluate its role. It's not possible to survive without money in the complicated, modern world.

In spite of these valleys, I have at times lived vastly better than the aforementioned marginality. My life has been marked by monetary highs and lows so extreme I would have never expected in my wildest dreams to experience either side of the spectrum. I can only speak on what I've experienced, and I hope to document some valuable aspect to life with which people in similar situations can identify.

Would you second guess breathing? When something is so integral to life, it becomes almost biological, and hence somewhat less visible and communicable... at this point in time money is the last remaining division between people. My experiences glancing into different social classes, or class jumping, as I like to call it, have demonstrated that the largest differences in queer relationships are related to social class. In a way, these differences are more common in queer relationships, perhaps due to the dating pool being "somewhat more limited" than the dating pool for a straight counterparts.

In gay relationships nobody plays the man and the woman, so the role of breadwinner is blurred and often non-existent... although role playing remains a large aspect of gay relationships, the fact remains that it's still so removed from the mainstream, and values are more up for interpretation.

The Prince

With the prince, I was taken into a world of wealth and luxury of which I could have only dreamed.

When the time came for one of us to steal something, I was the one expected to do it. If it was time to hustle drugs it was my job.

He was clean in the sense that all of his stds were not a serious health risk to me, so doing sexual things with him was less risky. I'm sure he went to the doctor a lot growing up, and had nice teeth that had likely been maintained by a dentist twice a year.

Overall, in spite of being bipolar and for the most part, completely out of control, he still held a certain optimism about the future.

Because he'd never lived in the real world, he was able to deal with problems by not dealing with them at all, essentially leaving other people to deal with any sort of opposition.

I began to see that overall, he was satisfied with nothing, because with limitless resources, there was absolutely no pressure for success. All the passion was lost cause the material world existed only for him.

The Pauper

In many people, I find naivete somewhat charming, and in this case it came from never being anywhere truly posh.

When it came to money, this one in fact stole hundreds of dollars from me... not like it matters, but it does say something to the character of the person.

When one has never known the "brighter side of life" it's a lot harder to think positively about what lies ahead. In addition to being bipolar, and for the most part completely out of control, he also held a certain pessimism about the future.

When it comes to physicality and health, he was dirtier, carried no dental nor health insurance, and had more serious stds that made sexual contact with him more risky.

The pauper was not really too good at dealing with problems, such as ever increasing, inescapable debt. I began to see that overall, he was satisfied with nothing, cause he's never known better, and probably didn't think the world had too much to offer.

What I'm trying to assert is that an unbalanced relationship is doomed to failure. While dating the Prince, I was living off several hundred dollars a month, and although the Prince had several hundred in cash to spend each month, any expense was taken care of by the dad, so his buying power was essentially limitless. Obviously, the opposite was true with the Pauper, and if I take into account his debt, I was probably doing better than him in ways. Jealousy finds its way into relationships when there's no equality. If you want it to work, then you have to be in the same place as the other person. If you're lucky enough to come up, then you have to do it together.

This is the last I can ever speak on poverty. If I'm going to escape it, I dare not even speak its name.

things that suck hard

2010-08-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

sarah palin
mini coopers
corporate pay offs and buy outs
slip knot
xtina
insane clown posse
avril lavigne
katy perry
the weather this summer

Happily (N)ever After: Why children of divorce are more well adapted to deal with complicted modern lives...

2010-08-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

As culture evolves and changes over time, old ideologies and institutions are forced to keep up to speed with newer younger generations. Older, less relevant people die off, and take their outdated, irrelevant world views with them.

In the 50s divorce was much less common, most likely due to the social stigma of admitting to failure when it comes to love. The 50s was overall a horrible time to be alive, full of repression, close mindedness, and hatred for minorities. As delusional puritanical norms fade away (albeit too slowly to make any real kind of social progress) and the years have gone by, divorce has gotten more and more common...

Throughout the 80s, divorce rates went up exponentially, and unless a child was living a blissfully naive life in a mostly white suburb, chances are that children born during those times came from divorced parents, which is to say they grew up with just a mom.

Is it bad to be missing a dad? Probably not... most people I knew who actually had a dad don't really have anything good to say about him. Out of my entire peer group, I can only think of 3 individuals who had a "good" dad.

What I'm trying most to assert is when your parents divorce at a young age you are forced to see love and life for what it truly is- constantly changing. When your basic archetype for a love relationship fails, you accept the fact that love could never be real. People don't stay together because they don't have to; moreover, it's impossible and unfair to demand a life time commitment from anybody. As these children because adults, they deal with prospective love interests more cautiously and less naively. Children of divorced parents see love for that it truly is- fleeting and intangible.

I personally did not come from a home with divorced parents, which means my parents lived in complete misery instead of choosing to make a break. Overall, I find this unhealthy, because the amount of couples I know who stayed together and still are in love happen to be so few that I can count them on one hand. We're not here to talk about my and my dysfunctional family life. From speaking to other people in my peer group who don't come from divorced parents, I've noticed overwhelming similarities to the way we view relationships and they are all unrealistic and unhealthy- for both people involved.

Where do I fit into this? Of course I dream about falling in love and making it last forever. Will it happen? Most likely not. Does it happen for anybody? Maybe... but probably not.

As I've gotten older, I've been forced to psychoanalyze why I feel the way I do, and from where do those feelings and notions come? It's obvious to me that almost everything that I think is real about love comes from Disney movies and television shows that were on TV when I was a little boy. Is this healthy? Perhaps. Is it delusional? Most assuredly. That's why love remains my one delusion.

singularity

2010-08-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

SINGULARITY: Robotics, Genetic Engineering, Bioengineering, Extropianism, Postgenderism, Immortalism, Technogaianism, Transhumanism And Communitarianism Movement Towards A Brave New World Order Of The Ages!

addiction

2010-08-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

First we get high because it's fun and exciting, and provides a new experience that we crave so much. But soon after that we have to get high to take the edge off being sober. After a while, we need to get high to be able to have the will to go on, and by the end we stop getting high and still find ourselves using for no reason at all.

what are u good at?

2010-08-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

I am really good at keeping it together even though I'm fucked up on one or more substances.

I'm good at flirting and being carefree, making you giggle, and when you're gone I'm good at forgetting it ever happened.

I lie about everything, I am really good at lying on the spot, I'm really good at remembering which lies I told to which people.

I'm good at self control when it comes to not having sex with guys even though my body's saying let's go.

I'm good at creating the illusion of flawless beauty.

I'm good at speaking and being charming to new people.

I'm good at not dealing with things, I suppose denial is the only coping mechanism that really works for me.

I am good at not starving to death even though I usually go 2-3 weeks without a single dollar in my bank account.

I'm good at being resourceful and making a lot come out of extremely limited resources...

But if this is the case, what am I even good at?

On a daily basis, I alternate between wanting to die yesterday and wanting to live forever...

real life drama

2010-08-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, situations and relationships become more complicated, and the integrity of one's character is called into question. Often, I have seen people close to me stumble and fall so badly and so frequently, that it makes me wonder if anyone I choose to love will start to suffer soon after...

In the past several years several people close to me have been diagnosed positive. Obviously, the state of the pandemic is not as it once was... but the most recent bomb that a friend dropped on my hit too close to home. I cried all day on 8/5/10... when I should have been crying tears of joy for prop 8's unconstitutionality. 8/4/10 has always been a significant day for me... and this year it was the highest of highs followed by the lowest of lows. That day I felt as though anything was possible and all my dreams were going to come true.

So this time it's personal. I've known my whole life that this moment now would come to pass and I've always known that I'm the one who has to choose. I make myself personally responsible for every person I come into contact with. If I choose to love someone, I will do everything in my power to help.

I've already experienced loss on a rather fundamental level, and I don't have it in me to go through it again. I can't be happy living on forever alone, I need those I love to stay with me. I was never afraid of being alone until I was and I found out I can't share the joy of life just being by myself.

People close to me try to tell me that I'm being histrionic, and making this drama all about me and that's not true. I don't hold anything back, and although I'm not a crier I really could not hold back my grieving. I cried all over the city. I cried more after that, although now I feel better, and more able to move forward. This has been a huge wake up call for me. Denial is the only coping mechanism that I have been able to make work for me so far in life, and dealing with all of these feelings has been difficult for me.

Obviously, in a situation like this, there is nobody to blame. I got mad at my friend first for not telling me, then I got mad for his bad choices, then I got mad for him not loving himself more... but I would never participate in an intervention. Ganging up on someone is totally unacceptable, and moreover who the fuck am I to say anything about things of this nature?

I know a lot about health. I want to live a long time. In fact, I fantasize about being a huge burden on everyone for decades. I want everyone to be totally over my shit, and then I go on living for 30 more years after that. The way I feel about him has not changed at all, but the nature of our relationship has to change if he's going to survive and thrive. I love him. It's my job to share all my information about the various aspects of health. I want all his dreams to come true.

Be safe, and live long enough to find the right one!

4 letter word

2010-07-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

I find an immense amount of comfort in the fact that I'm just like everyone else. I often think that humans often want the same things. Even as a small child I understood that my reason for being was to give and receive love.

8 years ago I moved to San Francisco to make it easier to fall in love but now I am no closer to my only dream.

When I was young, I always assumed that finding love was one of those aspects to life that just fell into place, but I realize now that love does not happen for everyone.

After I fell in love for the first time, it never felt as real or powerful after that, just more transitory and unattainable.

I often then wonder if it's better to seesaw between euphoria and despair, or to just be numb to everything at all times?

les nouvelles

2010-07-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

Pew study finds rapid increase in mobile Internet use by low-income Americans: Experts say mobile Web is still less of an equalizer than a bridge for lower-income groups

Newly discovered dinosaur is 'Mojoceratops'

Solar-powered plane lands after round-the-clock flight

Total Solar Eclipse Sunday—Most Remote of the Century?

Newly Discovered Antibodies May Boost AIDS Vaccine Research

Study Suggests Link Between HPV, Skin Cancer

Divas Live

2010-07-06T13:27:00.001-07:00

Fav Madonna:
Nobody knows me (Mt. Sims rmx)/ Hollywood/ Forbidden Love/ Future Lovers/ Nothing really matters/ Power of good-bye/ Music/ Get together

Fav Lady Gaga:
Poker Face/ Alejandro/ Starstruck/ Bad Romance

Fav Kylie:
I believe in you/ All I see

Fav Khia:
Be Your Lady

Fav JLo:
Waiting for tonight

Fav Dolly Parton:
I will always love u/ Dagger thru the heart

Fav Robyn:
With every heartbeat/ Dream on

Fav Rupaul:
House of Love/ Jealous of my Boogie

Fav Kelis:
Blindfold Me/ Bossy

Fav Mariah Carey:
Always be my baby/ We Belong 2gether

Fav Beyonce:
Get Me Bodied/ Sweet Dreams

Fav Bjork:
I miss u/ Big Time Sensuality Fluke rmx

Fav Courtney Love:
Malibu/ Celebrity Skin

Fav Selena
Dreaming of you/ I could fall in Love

Fav Fergie:
Clumsy

Fav Chaka Khan:
Ain't Nobody

Fav Britney:
Sometimes/ Breath On Me

Fav Xtina:
Drrty

Fav Celine:
Power of Love

Fav Goldfrapp:
Strict Machine/ Number 1

Fav Ellen Allien:
Christmas Fairytale/ Pump

Fav Miss Kittin:
Rippin Kittin

Fav Edith Piaf:
Je Ne Regrette Rien

Fav PCD:
I hate this part/ Bottle pop

Fav Missy:
One Minute Man

Fav Mary J Blige:
Real Love

Fav Whitney Houston:
I'm every woman

Fav Diana Ross:
Im Comin out/ Stop in the name of Love

Fav Divine:
U think you're a man

Fav Lil Kim:
Magic Stick

Fav Salt N Pepa:
Shoop

Fav En Vogue:
My Lovin (Never gonna get it)/ Whatta Man

Fav TLC:
Creep/ Baby-Baby-Baby

Fav Aretha Franklin:
I never loved a man (the way I love u)

Fav Tina Turner:
What's love got to do with it?

Fav Cher:
It's in his kiss

Fav Cyndi Lauper:
When you were mine/ Into the night life

Fav Berlin:
Sex (I'm a...)/ The Metro

Fav Stevie Nicks:
Land slide/ Dreams (Deep Dish rmx)

Fav Alanis:
U learn

Fav Spice Girls:
Spice up your life

Fav Jewel:
You were meant for me

Fav Sarah McLachlan:
Sweet Surrender

Fav Miley Cyrus:
We belong to the music

Fav Tori Amos:
Winter/ Professional Widow (Armin Van Helden rmx)

Fav Kate Bush:
A rose growing old/ running up that hill

Fav Blondie:
The Tide is High

Fav Gloria Estefan:
Coming out of the dark

Fav Carol King:
So Far Away/ Too Late

Fav Shakira:
Whenever, Wherever

Fav Janet Jackson:
Together Again/ Feedback

Fav Melissa Ethridge:
Angels never came down/ Come to my window

Fav Rihanna:
Shut up and drive/ Rude Boy

fun facts about me

2010-07-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I am choosing to focus on the more positive aspects of my character and personality:

I was born 4/18/1984 at 4:41 a.m. Aries sun, Sagittarius moon, Aries rising. I have no air in my chart at all. All my planets are in Scorpio, Capricorn, and Sagittarius, except for one or two. I've been studying astrology for many years, and it goes a lot deeper than people think. After I learned some basics I finally felt like I was no longer at the mercy of innumerable external forces.

I came into the world ass first, which was ironic because I'm not a bottom. I guess I had flipped so my mom had a c-section.

I knew I was gay from a very young age. Not so much that I wanted to have sex with men, but that I was for sure different. I played with barbies growing up. As far as gender goes, I've expressed myself thru the whole spectrum. I grew up to be a butch faggot.

When I was a baby I was always getting in the mud. I don't remember it but my mom had the pictures to prove it.

Growing up, my parents were rather poor... by the time I'd graduated high school they'd made it to middle class. Ironically, my entire life I have been surrounded by wealth and privilege, but never had it for myself. I've always been on the outside looking in, yet always thought I am destined for something more.

I was a fat kid, and I am grateful because it taught me to be humble. And I enjoy my beauty more now that I have it.

I have a dark past. I've really been thru it. I know I can survive in spite of great hardships. There have been many year long periods where I have not cried once, which is unhealthy.

My favorite types of books are autobiographies- specifically rags to riches stories. My favorite book is How To Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale By Jenna Jameson.

Showgirls is my favorite movie. I guess my other ones would be Freeway, The Craft, Hackers, and Bound.

I grew listening to old school hip hop and freestyle (Latin house). I live for house music. Frequently, it's the only thing that really takes me over. All of the following genres are my fav: booty, deep, ghetto, peak hour, jackin, funky, clubby, electro, & minimal tech. Aside from that I listen to pop and hip hop. I occasionally get into breaks, and sometimes drum and bass. I'm not a fan of trance and dubstep.

I don't like music if it doesn't make me want to dance. When I dance I experience the entire range of emotions, for me it always is a real high. I wish I'd been a dancer.

I don't party to excess but there have been periods in my life. I love clubbing, the castro, and undergrounds. Any where the music is good, and I can see and be seen.

My favorite animal as a kid were seals, the first thing I ever wanted to be was a marine biologist. Even now I feature seal figurines in my living space.

I find a great deal of comfort in pop culture and gossip magazines. I try not to take life too seriously.

I do take my health really seriously. I always try to eat clean and exercise. My favorite foods are indian, mexican, thai, american, and italian.

The following are my favorite stars for various reasons: Madonna, Jenna Jameson, Lady Gaga, Paris Hilton, RuPaul, Francois Sagat & Jeff Palmer.

I went to the same school district and was surrounded by pretty much the same people for Kindergarten thru senior year in high school. The only thing I miss about the east bay is the hot weather.

I've never been in a car accident. Never broken a bone, nor been sent to the hospital.

When I fall in love with somebody I never fall out of love. I love all my past loves just as much as when I first fell in love. That being said, I would never have sex with an ex.

I've never cheated on a boyfriend. I've never hooked up off the Internet. I've had sex with 8 men so far. I consider anything more than kissing to be sex.

I hate conflict and go to such lengths to avoid it, which causes even worse conflict.

I'm a very generous person... if you can't be used you're useless. Selfless giving is at the heart of every Buddhist philosophy.

I have a lot of dreams but doubt I would ever try to fulfill them. The biggest is to leave earth and travel thru outer space.

I try to share jokes with people and get people to laugh when they're around me. There's no greater power than bringing joy into the world.

I have done all of the following drugs: weed, ecstasy, LSD, special K, cocaine, meth, shrooms, a few random pharmaceuticals, and 2CB. I don't drink that much cause it hurts my stomach. I think all drugs should be legalized, because people are going to do them regardless.

Someday I will be completely covered with tattoos. Money is the only reason I'm not. I have had all the following piercings: nipples, snakebites, filtrum, cheeks, septum, smiley, dermal anchor, 5 in each ear. They have to be symmetrical. That being said, I am not into s&m.

I'm a buddhist but I don't believe in reincarnation. I was raised methodist and my grandma would occasionally take me to catholic church. I have never believed in god. I do believe in angels, and I think they walk among us.

It seems logical to assume that life colonizes from planet to planet via single celled organisms.

My Fine Is $550.60

2010-06-30T17:35:00.000-07:00

This is fun to do. Just read the 'offense' and if you've done it, you owe that fine.You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. NOTE fines to be added once, not for how ever many times you have done it.

Smoked weed -- $10
Did acid or pills -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace/Facebook/Bebo etc -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Cross dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive and drank -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a vehicle while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video or took pictures -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in public -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex --$25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars-- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under the age accepted by rule of thumb (half your age plus 7) -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time-- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Pissed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25
Tally it up and put it on ur status as: "My Fine Is..." (nothing else) then copy and send to ur friends

les nouvelles

2010-06-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

Can Gene Therapy Cure AIDS?

Federal agency investigates porn industry clinic

Fuzzy Logic Predicts Cell Aging

Scientists Watch as Bacteria Evolve Heat Resistance Under Stress: New Details of Evolutionary Mechanism

les nouvelles

2010-06-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

Probe returns to Earth after asteroid landing

New study indicates an ancient ocean may have covered one-third of Mars

Russian rocket primed for space station mission

No changes in restrictions on gay blood donors

FDA Cracks Down On Genetic Test Companies

Rapid Genome Sequencing Process Effectively Identifies Hereditary Genetic Diseases, Study Shows

Obstacles to Stem Cell Therapy Cleared

How the Wrong Genes Are Repressed

Where u at- Derrick Carter

2010-06-12T20:48:00.001-07:00

Stop, and take the time... to inventory the inside of my mind. I realize, it's not as full as it used to be... the images of justice, the designs of liberty. The world has changed, or is it me that's new? A different set of morals, from a different set of clues. But still I wonder, is this all there is to life? The ever-changing cycles, in a world that's damp and right. There must be more! Yeah, in my heart I hold to this. I've known the joy of love, and I've seen the peace and bliss. But as u know, all things must end. Except the need for faith, and the clear express within. To keep u strong, when all things are about to break, just call upon the sacred man and call it a mistake. Move forward with the power. Program yourself to feel. With depth enough to know what's up, and heart to sense the real. Where u at?

And now it hits u, to the frame we set aside. To the loads of bass lines, a secret place awaits for us to hide. To pass the time, as the war goes on and on. Post apocalyptic sunset, my post apocalyptic dawn... we're gender fucked, in the world we once possessed. The place that wasn't ours is just a house within a dress. A false existence, wrought with fear and mistrust. A life inside a box. No life inside a box. Find your soul. Use your inner voice. The road less travelled is now the path of choice. Realize, with time comes change. New attitudes, new values, priorities rearrange. Move forward with power. Prepare yourself to see: wear your shield of justice, and wield the sword of liberty. Move forward, move now. Allow yourself to feel, with depth enough to know whats up, and hearts to sense what's real. There must be more! Is this all there is? Is this it? Is this all there is?

the secret is the law of attraction 8===><===8

2010-06-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

I don't have a type, but when I see something I like, I know. I've listed them somewhat in order, from most to least important...

turn ons:
mixed guys
papis and brothas
fit bodies
versatility
good bone structure
confidence
light eyes w/ dark skin
huge cocks
big lips
big asses
big arms
masculinity
stubble
chest hair
nice calves
nice cars
endurance
likes house music
clean fingernails
buzz cuts
smirks
stoners
bad boys
recklessness
manners
passion
blond white guys
California natives
dental hygiene
adventurous

If you meet any of the aforementioned criteria you and I can see what's up :)

turn offs:
femmes
asians
redheads
really skinny
really fat
really hairy
middle easterners
shitty attitudes
disrespect
lack of body contact

les nouvelles

2010-06-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

Scientists Break Barrier to Creating Potential Therapeutic Molecules

Gene Related to Aging Plays Role in Stem Cell Differentiation

Life on Titan? New Clues to What's Consuming Hydrogen, Acetylene on Saturn's Moon

Could Life Survive on Mars? Yes, Expert Says

les nouvelles

2010-06-04T16:34:00.000-07:00

SpaceX Rocket Achieves Earth Orbit on First Flight

How Did Higher Life Evolve? Brown Algal Genome Opens New Door to Understanding Multicellularity and Photosynthesis

Gene Related to Aging Plays Role in Stem Cell Differentiation

Superbug's 'CPU' Revealed: Researchers Discover Chemical Clue Directing Staphylococcus Aureus

Rare Hybrid Cell Key to Regulating the Immune System

les nouvelles

2010-06-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

Structure of Immune Molecule That Counteracts HIV Strains Determined

Scientists Create Artificial Mini 'Black Hole'

Jumping Genes Provide Extensive 'Raw Material' for Evolution, Study Finds

Breakthrough in Stem Cell Culturing

les nouvelles

2010-05-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

Ardi's place in human ancestry challenged

Today's College Students More Likely to Lack Empathy
'Generation Me' tends to be self-centered, competitive, U.S. research shows

99,000 Die Yearly From Preventable Hospital Infections
CDC Finally Gets Data as State Laws Force Hospitals to Count Infections

Wait before cutting the umbilical cord, say researchers: Cord blood contains many valuable stem cells, making this transfer of stem cells a process that might be considered the original stem cell transplant.

UC Irvine scientists make first complex tissue structure out of stem cells
Researchers have created an eight-layer, early-stage retina.

les nouvelles

2010-05-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

Scientists Create First Self-Replicating Synthetic Life

Scientists 'Boot Up' a Bacterial Cell With a Synthetic Genome

Artificial Antibodies Hold Biomedical Promise

Gulf Oil Spill Creates 'Giant Experiment' in Marine Toxicology

my life

2010-05-20T02:10:00.001-07:00

I realize that there are times when I've completely transformed into a character that I've used in my erotic fiction.

I have no boundaries, when it comes to either physicality, or crossing mental and emotional boundaries that are normal and not meant to be crossed.

I find myself performing, saying the perfect next line in the script. I never allow myself to loose control, and as forced as it sounds, I really feel it.

I accept that I disassociate, oftentimes I don't even realize that I'm doing it. I have no problem getting lost in the moment, but then that moment was all I had.

I will say I love u the night I meet u. They usually say it, either first, or in some capacity, and I go through the complete range of motions.

I experience complete enmeshment with people, and as quickly as I think I've made progress with them, as intimate as I think we've become, it's completely over and the love is gone.

Those moments are the greatest possible of highs, stronger than the best ecstasy, more seductive than unboundless love.

survey

2010-05-15T00:35:00.001-07:00

What is your idea of "perfect" happiness?
every other human loving me and being jealous of me simultaneously

What is your greatest fear?
failure

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Jenna Jameson

Which living person do you most admire?
Lady Gaga

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
my insecurity

What is your greatest extravagance?
drugs

What is your favorite journey?
the drive to Hollywood

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
humility

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
jowls

Which living person do you most despise?
G.W. Bush

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
real talk, that's so money, and bitch ain't give a shit

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
house music

Which talent would you most like to have?
electronic music production

What is your current state of mind?
pained

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
how easily I fall in love, and how hard it is for me to fall out of it

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
I'd choose a different family

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
my ability to survive in face of great adversity

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
a beautiful woman

What is your most treasured possession?
an emerald ring my grandma gave me as a small child

Where would you like to live?
Hollywood

What is your favorite occupation?
doctor

What is your most marked characteristic?
cheekbones

What is the quality you most like in a man?
smirk

What do you most value in your friends?
strong personalities

Who are your favorite writers?
Rupaul

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Aeon Flux

Who are your heroes in real life?
me

What is it that you most dislike?
muslims, christians, and republicans

How would you like to die?
gangbanged to death on ecstasy and hash

What is your motto?
when in doubt, cuss em out

beauty secrets

2010-05-14T22:57:00.000-07:00

I'm almost 30, but I still look like I'm 18. Yes, I do get carded for lighters. People often ask me what's my secret? I won't try to lie, because all of my time, effort, and money goes into self preservation... at any cost. Life is not a race, it's a marathon, and the only way to be old and not look disgusting means you have to want to take good care of yourself. I could try to put all this shit down in a book, and charge say, $24.95 hardcover, but the mainstream media doesn't give a shit about what I have to say. So here's my advice here and now for free-

Don't drink alcohol and don't smoke cigarettes.

Sleep at least 9 continuous hours a night... and yes more is better.

Exfoliate at least once a week. Drink water, and don't put any shit on your face! SPF moisturizer and nothing else.

Exercise for at least 30 minutes 5 times a week. If you do more than that, you can eat almost whatever you want.

les nouvelles

2010-05-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

Signs of Neanderthals Mating With Humans

New Insights Into the Mystery of Natural HIV Immunity: Findings May Have Implications for Designing Effective AIDS Vaccine

Scientists Create Human Embryonic Stem Cells With Enhanced Pluripotency

UCSF find predicts severity of breast cancer

NASA successfully tests escape system for capsule that may never launch

les nouvelles

2010-04-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hubble Marks 20 Years With Spectacular Shot of Stars Being Born

Change in Experiment Will Delay Shuttle’s End

vintage goodness

2010-04-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

les nouvelles

2010-04-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

Robonaut 2 ready for International Space Station

Generation gap: Obama space plan angers old hands

les nouvelles

2010-04-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

The Gene Patents Case

Rare disorder erases all social anxiety

Spanking children can lead to aggressive behavior: study

NASA chief sees new jobs, products for industry

Backward planets may have flipped into place

Genetically Modified Crops Get Vote of Approval

les nouvelles

2010-04-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

Pictures: New Human Ancestor Fossils Found

Scientists Discover Heavy New Element

Spacewoman asked about career, hair on talk radio

Japanese have seaweed-eating gene, Americans don't

Our Universe at Home Within a Larger Universe? So Suggests Physicist's Wormhole Research

Bacteria Divide Like Clockwork: Cell Division in Cyanobacteria Controlled by Same Kind of Circadian Rhythms That Govern Human Sleep

Brain Tumors: Tissue Stem Cell Turning Into Tumor Stem Cell

les nouvelles

2010-03-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

4-Mini-Big Bangs created in cosmos origins project

Scientists have discovered your moral compass - and it's just behind your right ear. MIT researchers have found they can successfully alter people's moral judgments by disrupting a specific brain region.

(Reuters) - The color of money may soon turn a new shade of green as U.S. states across the country consider legalizing and then taxing marijuana to cure chronic budget problems.

For One Tiny Instant, Physicists May Have Broken a Law of Nature

les nouvelles

2010-03-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

Nanotech robots deliver gene therapy through blood

Virgin Galactic spaceship makes first test flight

les nouvelles

2010-03-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

Cool: New Exoplanet Is Near Habitable Zone

Soyuz capsule brings back space station fliers

Health Buzz: Gays Kept Out of Clinical Trials

Safety board to study requiring condoms in porn

Fast Growing Primitive Black Holes Discovered

Chemists Influence Stem-Cell Development With Geometry

Transcrption factors may dictate differences between individuals

les nouvelles

2010-03-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

Scientists Get Jumbo Size Surprise in Antarctic Ocean: A Shrimp!

Student Discovers Rare Fossil of Meat-Eating Amphibian

New HIV infections increasing among homosexuals

Baldness 'could be good for your health' say scientists

Babies Are Born to Dance, New Research Shows

les nouvelles

2010-03-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

Monday marks the 25th anniversary of the .com domain, according to VeriSign. On March 15, 1985, Symbolics.com was the first domain to register via a ".com" address. Though it took another decade for .com to really catch on, there are now 80 million .com Web sites, including 11.9 million e-commerce and online business sites, 1.8 million sports-related sites, and 4.3 million entertainment Web sites.

People leave unique trail of germs: (Reuters) - People leave more than fingerprints when they touch stuff -- they also deposit a tell-tale trail of germs that could help investigators solve crimes, U.S. researchers reported on Monday.

ScienceDaily (Mar. 15, 2010) — A potent new inhibitor of HIV, derived from bananas, may open the door to new treatments to prevent sexual transmission of HIV, according to a newly published University of Michigan Medical School study.

Brain chemical is reward for psychopathic traits

les nouvelles

2010-03-11T18:56:00.000-08:00

Help Us Review Google Maps for Bikes

Disease Cause Is Pinpointed With Genome

Mysterious Cosmic 'Dark Flow' Tracked Deeper Into Universe

Deceptive Model: Stem Cells of Humans and Mice Differ More Strongly Than Suspected

Quantum Dots Spotlight DNA-Repair Proteins in Motion

Boost for Technology: Huge Step Toward Mass Production of Coveted Form of Carbon

les nouvelles

2010-03-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

Obama to defend new NASA mission at April summit

80% say 'Net access fundamental right, split on regulation

UNAIDS: Funding cuts could lead to HIV 'nightmare'

D.C. to be first U.S. city to give away free female condoms to fight HIV/AIDS

les nouvelles

2010-03-05T15:41:00.000-08:00

Climate change human link evidence 'stronger'

Study finds surprising variation in how people define 'had sex'

DNA test 'could predict most effective diet'

Blood Vessel Cells Promote Self-Renewal of Blood Stem Cells

les nouvelles

2010-02-18T11:27:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A genetic peek deep into the heart of Africa confirms that Africans have more genetic diversity than Europeans or Asians and provides insights into how to live a long life despite disease and famine.

HIV drugs prevent infection in African study

The first U.S. clinical trials in more than 20 years on the medical efficacy of marijuana found that pot helps relieve pain and muscle spasms associated with multiple sclerosis and certain neurological conditions, according to a report released Wednesday by a UC research center.

NASA Releases First Images From WISE Satellite: The infrared satellite will scan the entire sky searching out previously unseen comets, asteroids, stars and galaxies.

Pluto, Discovered 80 Years Ago, Still a Big Mystery

New way of tracking cancer uses DNA changes: US study

les nouvelles

2010-02-15T16:03:00.000-08:00

In Brookhaven Collider, Scientists Briefly Break a Law of Nature

Fog Decline Threatens California’s Towering Redwoods

I could give a fuck less! The fog in SF makes me want to kill myself half of the year...

HIV illness 'delayed by' herpes drug aciclovir: The HSV2 virus causes genital herpes. A common treatment for herpes can delay the need for HIV drugs in people with both infections, say US researchers.

Hormone oxytocin may help Asperger's patients

les nouvelles

2010-02-11T15:02:00.000-08:00

Alexander McQueen, March 17, 1969 – Feb. 11, 2010

I cried real tears over Alexander McQueen. I'll never forget how he captivated my imagination beginning in middle school, thanks to fashion file, video fashion weekly and fashion tv on E! saturday mornings. He became so iconic that he will never really leave us. RIP

Move to merge Asperger's, autism in diagnostic manual stirs debate

StemCells, Inc. Announces First Human Neural Stem Cell Transplant in Landmark Myelination Disorder Trial

Should We Clone Neanderthals? The scientific, legal, and ethical obstacles

les nouvelles

2010-02-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

Analysis of hair DNA reveals ancient human's face

Solar Dynamics Observatory Launch Now Set For Feb 11

New Telescope Captures Dazzling Image of Orion Nebula

Merck and GlaxoSmithKline could get a boost from New York lawmakers. Two bills working their way through the New York State legislature would mandate that schoolchildren receive a human papillomavirus vaccine, even without a parent's consent.

this week in science

2010-02-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

09 February, 2010 – This Week in Science
Quantum Algae, Determining Vegetative States – Or, Ali Pulls the Plug on Justin, Remember the Prions, Gay Science, Zen Bats and Drunk Bats, Scientists Say: Drink Beer, Daddy Sang Bass, Minion Mailbag, and Much More!

les nouvelles

2010-02-09T15:43:00.000-08:00

Google seems to finally responding to complaints about the poor customer service for its Nexus One smartphones. The search giant has started offering limited phone support for Nexus One users, who till now could only ask for help by e-mail

(1-888-48-NEXUS)

I recently got the new google Nexus one phone, and I will say that I do love it. I never had an ifone but I did play with them enough to be able to say I know a lot about them.

Now if I could just figure out how to make it pick up the wireless connection in my house cause it has yet to work...

BOSTON, Feb. 8 (UPI) -- U.S. scientists say they have reversed the aging of blood stem cells through the influence of bone-forming cells known as osteoblasts.

les nouvelles

2010-01-25T14:10:00.000-08:00

Researchers offer explanation for the differences between Ganymede and Callisto moons

NASA's WISE Eye Spies Near-Earth Asteroid

les nouvelles

2010-01-22T13:36:00.000-08:00

Slime Mold Grows Network Just Like Tokyo Rail System

Astronaut sends first live tweets from space

les nouvelles

2010-01-19T14:21:00.000-08:00

Fish oil protects against cellular aging: study

I'm glad I ate some this morning with breakfast. Even though when I burp it tastes nasty.

HPV test 'can cut cervical cancer deaths' say experts

les nouvelles

2010-01-18T16:04:00.000-08:00

Cord blood stem cell transplant hopes lifted: Matching donors cannot always be found, despite extensive registries
A technique which may eventually remove the need for matched bone marrow transplants has been used in humans for the first time.

When I have horrifying visions of killing myself in the lab from an experiment gone wrong, I'm really concering myself with the 'graft versus host' problem which usually ends in the death of the patient.

One second-hand space shuttle: Yours for $29m

U.S. Keeps Science Lead, But Other Countries Gain

les nouvelles

2010-01-14T20:23:00.000-08:00

Cocaine found in shuttle work area, NASA says

One good night of sleep may do less than once thought

I always speak to my friends about sleep debt and why they have to sleep enough every single night...

Study warns of drug-resistant HIV strains

Sequencing Wasp Genome Sheds New Light on Sexual Parasite: ScienceDaily (Jan. 14, 2010) — About 100 million years ago, the bacterium Wolbachia came up with a trick that has made it one of the most successful parasites in the animal kingdom: It evolved the ability to manipulate the sex lives of its hosts.

les nouvelles

2010-01-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

Power of genomics cracks soybean code

Small Asteroid Flirts With Earth Impact, Raises Awareness of Dangers

Male Chromosome May Evolve Fastest

Are there trees on Mars?

les nouvelles

2010-01-04T14:51:00.000-08:00

NASA's Kepler spots 5 planets in its first 6 weeks of data: NASA's planet-hunting Kepler telescope has identified five new hot Jupiters in only six weeks of observations.

U.S. lifts restriction on visas to HIV-positive foreigners

International Team Characterizes Tasmanian Devil Facial Tumors

ScienceDaily (Dec. 31, 2009) — An international team of scientists led by researchers at The Scripps Research Institute has developed a straightforward technique to determine the ethnic origin of stem cells.

les nouvelles

2009-12-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

Partial Lunar Eclipse and Blue Moon New Year's Eve

On top of that, mercury and mars are in retrograde for this new years... perhaps it will be very extreme in some way. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

'Fountain of Youth' for Stem Cells? ScienceDaily (Dec. 28, 2009) — Researchers from the University of Hong Kong and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have published a study in the current issue of Cell Transplantation that explores ways to successfully keep stem cells "forever young" during implantation by slowing their growth, differentiation and proliferation.

les nouvelles

2009-12-18T16:00:00.000-08:00

Dark Matter Detected for First Time? Dark matter may have been "felt" for the first time deep in a Minnesota mine, physicists say. Detectors in the mine, part of the Cryogenic Dark Matter Search experiment, were tripped recently by what might be weakly interacting massive particles, or WIMPs.

Undersea robot captures rare deep-sea eruption

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - With California teetering perpetually on the edge of financial ruin, marijuana activists have seized the moment, claiming that legalizing and taxing pot could help bail out the cash-strapped Golden State.

Human Protein Helps Prevent Infection by H1N1 Influenza and Other Viruses

les nouvelles

2009-12-16T15:44:00.000-08:00

UPDATE 1-Gene maps to transform scientists' work on cancer: Studies map entire genomes of two cancers

Synthetic platelets quickly stem bleeding: Synthetic blood platelets injected into patients at the scene of a traumatic injury can speed up blood clotting and stem internal bleeding, U.S. researchers reported on Wednesday.

Stem-Cell Activators Switch Function, Repress Mature Cells

Injured Vet Receives Transplanted Pancreas Grown From a Few Cells

les nouvelles

2009-12-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

Study: Looking young may mean living longer

BGI-Led Team Publishes Giant Panda Genome Paper

UPDATE 2-AIDS prevention gel fails in African trials

NASA launches spacecraft that will map stars, galaxies, asteroids

the newest star

2009-12-12T12:20:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me well knows that I only watch reality TV. Obviously, there's always the stand-out personality from every reality show that captures our hearts through their pizazz... or maybe just their willingness to share a part of themselves which which we all can either identify or question.

I admire these people because they're just like me. Fame has yet had the chance to complicate and hide their real personality. I find reality TV stars comforting, real, relevant, and entertaining.

Right now I'm all about Snooki from the Jersey Shore!!! By far she was the stand out star. I identify with her so much! She's obviously just a sweet fun loving girl who wants to enjoy her life and is confident in herself.

Why do I like Snooki so much? I feel like she and I are the same person. From day one she has been nothing but affectionate to her housemates, and I was so inspired by her honest to goodness confession that she's really only after love. She loves house music, and is always down to dance. She lays it out on the table, and will admit to being in the wrong. She takes care of friends when they're coming down. Snooki always looks cute as fuck, her nails are always did with a hot color, she has hair all the way down to her ass, and she remains in black face the entire time she's on camera.

After being exposed to the media for only 1 short week she already had made her way onto major media outlets, and this pint sized star shows she really has what it takes! Everything is going to happen for her, if she wants a career in the entertainment industry. I love u Snooki!

les nouvelles

2009-12-12T12:09:00.000-08:00

Winter meteors are real Gems

NASA Comet Hunter Set For Monday Launch: Weekend liftoff of WISE space telescope scrubbed due to faulty steering engine.

There are no stars today... only meteors. Meteors only entertain us for a certain amount of time then fizzle out. Stars are forever...

les nouvelles

2009-12-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

Cassini Imaging: Global View of Iapetus' Dichotomy

Saturn's mysterious hexagon crown lit up as 30-year winter ends

NASA has delayed the launch of its new infrared sky mapper by at least a day, with liftoff now scheduled for no earlier than Saturday.

New T. Rex Cousin Suggests Dinosaurs Arose in S. America

Sickle-cell disease can be cured with stem-cell transplant procedure

Firstborns are more selfish than other youngsters... but are more likely to achieve greatness

I was the first born in my family...

Firstborns have been shown to have higher IQs. This may be because they benefit from having their parents' undivided attention at the start of their lives.

Scientists expected to unveil the discovery of dark matter

les nouvelles

2009-12-08T15:39:00.000-08:00

Hubble peers deeper than ever into the universe

French scientists create skin fast from stem cells

Umbilical stem cells may help recover lost vision for those with corneal disease

best intervention ever

2009-12-07T16:29:00.001-08:00

Allison- not to be missed!

les nouvelles

2009-12-07T13:47:00.000-08:00

First Tourist Spaceship to Be Unveiled by Virgin Today

South Africa to Treat All HIV-Positive Babies

A Life of Its Own: Where will synthetic biology lead us?

Magnetic Nanoparticles To Simultaneously Diagnose, Monitor And Treat

Brain Waves Can 'Write' on a Computer in Early Tests, Researchers Show

Scientists develop pill that could spell an end to straighteners after identifying 'curly hair gene'

les nouvelles

2009-12-03T13:38:00.000-08:00

Human Genome Sciences increases stock offering

Intel Shows 48-Core Processor for Research

heros

2009-11-23T23:21:00.000-08:00

les nouvelles

2009-11-23T15:38:00.000-08:00

"Big Bang" experiment advancing fast

In the Dark: Unusual Deep-Sea Species Documented

les nouvelles

2009-11-20T16:22:00.000-08:00

GENEVA — Scientists switched on the world's largest atom smasher Friday night for the first time since the $10 billion machine suffered a spectacular failure more than a year ago.

Corn genome sequenced; given away to farmers, seed companies

UPDATE 1-UK investigates spread of drug resistant swine flu

Trial of Embryonic Stem Cell Therapy for Eye Disease Planned

digital goodness... reality's simulacra in a digital universe

2009-11-18T13:56:00.001-08:00

One of the things I like about gmail is that it will save your chats. There's nothing that offers a fresh perspective on a situation other than time. I'm one of those people who is right about everything, and nothing has ever been my fault. I'm happy I can reinforce it through rereading notes from the past.

I've been online a lot more to chat with my cousin Dick Goodness. Being online is a slippery slope. In the past I've taken years off of aim, chatting, etc. But, without the Internet such a light wouldn't have come into my life. On the upside, communication via Internet can be extremely reassuring. I have hundreds of friends on social networking websites. Clearly, people care?

Obviously, when I actually have things going on in my real life, I shy away from being online, because being present in reality is more reassuring. I was surprised when people said I'm back when I started going on aim again. I'm not back. Also, I never left. I never disappeared into a parallel universe.

I hate being online. I hate the Internet. I hate that it can make me feel things. It makes me jealous cause everyone's happier, better looking, and richer than I am. My narcissistic personality disorder is only aggravated from being online. 2 nights ago I had cybersex with the first guy I ever fell in love with. Err I should say I sent nasty pics in order to illicit a response, and fucked around with him now that the tables have turned.

Yet at the end of the night, I wasn't able to cuddle up with someone, kiss the back of his neck, put my arm around him and sleep beside someone. Somehow, the false sense of connection one can get from the Internet does nothing but play with emotions worse that a drugged out boyfriend desperate for sex.

les nouvelles

2009-11-17T17:23:00.000-08:00

Longevity Tied to Genes That Preserve Tips of Chromosomes

November 11, 2009 — (BRONX, NY) — A team led by researchers at Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University has found a clear link between living to 100 and inheriting a hyperactive version of an enzyme that rebuilds telomeres — the tip ends of chromosomes. The findings appear in the latest issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

les nouvelles

2009-11-16T14:44:00.000-08:00

Chimps May Have A 'Language-Ready' Brain

No-Entry Zones for AIDS Virus

Phthalate Exposure Linked to Less-Masculine Play by Boys

Because testosterone produces the masculine brain, researchers are concerned that fetal exposure to anti-androgens such as phthalates -- which are pervasive in the environment -- has the potential to alter masculine brain development, said lead author Shanna H. Swan, Ph.D., professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology, director of the URMC Center for Reproductive Epidemiology, and an expert in phthalates.

The Indefinite Self-Renewal of Specialized Cells Without the Need for Stem Cell Intermediates