even #s

There was a long time where I was OBSESSED with even numbers. Everything had to be even all the time, odd numbers were my ultimate enemy. The only 2 odd things about myself terrorized me day and night. I was born at 4:41 a.m. although I often pretended I was born at 4:40 a.m. semi colon, my middle name (which is comprised of 5 letters) also bothered me SO MUCH I wouldn't speak it for many years (because it was 5, and not 4 or 6). This OCD dominated my life for a period of many years, maybe 5, 6, or 7.

Odd numbers caused me so much grief, I can't believe how much time I wasted on that OCD. I was constantly being told that numbers in nature tend to be odd, which made me want to struggle against nature all the more. I felt like something odd wasn't perfect because it wasn't symmetrical, and I therefore wanted nothing to do with it. As I got older, I got over that OCD (there have been many) and now I'm "more OK" with "embracing" odd aspects of myself. Even meant "right" and hence "good" whereas odd meant "wrong," because odd was "unbalanced" to me. Because it wasn't balanced, it wasn't good.

Even as a child, I was constantly thinking about balance. I've tried to hard to achieve balance in my life, I never had it living my family. Now as an adult, I struggle (and succeed) to find balance on my own, a lot of work goes into it, and maintaining balance is a major aspiration of mine. Even numbers to me always represented balance, a way I could control my life that unbalanced. By focusing on balanced numbers, I felt better, but where does that psychologically come from?

Perhaps this obsession stemmed from my other obsessions with symmetry, and perfection. I've had 18 piercings so far, all of which have been either symmetrical or paired. My religion is perfect symmetry. I don't mind the impossible, it turns me on, gets my juices flowing, and gets you off.

It's ironic that both my lucky numbers (1 and 9) are odd...