birthdays

My birthday is _____. I wish I could say I'm excited about it, but I'm not. My birthday makes me depressed, especially when I look back on my life and regret basically everything. I do have good memories, but moving to hollywood is my only dream left. Just like I have nothing to look forward to, I'm not proud of my past either. I've wasted so much of my life already, and it was the "best years of my life" to boot.

I don't really want to have a party unless it's a real party! I wish others could understand. My idea of a party is a fabulous event with so many people there, music, amazing food, drinks, fun, entertainment, etc. My idea of a real party is a fun, positive, celebratory event that everyone talks about for years to come. I can't celebrate for no reason. I wish I could be fun again, the way I used to be. Also, I grew up in a family that really asserted that if you want to have a party, then you have to pay for it. Even now, I still think that's how it should be.

Last night I was talking about how I feel as though I never had a childhood, and it wasn't until I talked about it that I realized that it was actually true. Perhaps that's why I'm so childlike and irresposible at TWENTY FIVE. Even now, "being an adult" is so ominous, to me it means the end of anything happy and pure. At the same time, it holds me back, because I can't evolve into the person I was meant to be. I try so hard to make myself think that I'm in control, and that I could do whatever I want with my life but in reality I'm slave, as we all are, completely at the mercy of so many external factors.

Birthdays are never fun for me. As a kid, even I knew that my birthdays sucked. Also, my dad would usually do whatever it took to make sure my birthday got fucked up. One year he punched me in the head in front of my two bday guests. I puked because I got a concussion. Why didn't someone take me to the hospital?

Birthdays to me signify aging, which is the "big bad" of life. Another year closer to death, another less year I could have spent on the earth. Birthdays always just make me wonder the exact time of my death.

Congradulations dad! I'm just like you! You won. I hate and abhor every holiday, birthday, or day of celebration. Just like you, I can't get by unless I ruin it for everyone else, because just like you, you've passed on the dominant notion that if I'm not happy, then nobody else can be happy. Mom, u won too! I'm totally not in control of anything in my life, and left to the mercy of others. You guys did such a great job at failing on all levels. You should be proud of yourselves.