birthdays

My birthday is _____. I wish I could say I'm excited about it, but I'm not. My birthday makes me depressed, especially when I look back on my life and regret basically everything. I do have good memories, but moving to hollywood is my only dream left. Just like I have nothing to look forward to, I'm not proud of my past either. I've wasted so much of my life already, and it was the "best years of my life" to boot.

I don't really want to have a party unless it's a real party! I wish others could understand. My idea of a party is a fabulous event with so many people there, music, amazing food, drinks, fun, entertainment, etc. My idea of a real party is a fun, positive, celebratory event that everyone talks about for years to come. I can't celebrate for no reason. I wish I could be fun again, the way I used to be. Also, I grew up in a family that really asserted that if you want to have a party, then you have to pay for it. Even now, I still think that's how it should be.

Last night I was talking about how I feel as though I never had a childhood, and it wasn't until I talked about it that I realized that it was actually true. Perhaps that's why I'm so childlike and irresposible at TWENTY FIVE. Even now, "being an adult" is so ominous, to me it means the end of anything happy and pure. At the same time, it holds me back, because I can't evolve into the person I was meant to be. I try so hard to make myself think that I'm in control, and that I could do whatever I want with my life but in reality I'm slave, as we all are, completely at the mercy of so many external factors.

Birthdays are never fun for me. As a kid, even I knew that my birthdays sucked. Also, my dad would usually do whatever it took to make sure my birthday got fucked up. One year he punched me in the head in front of my two bday guests. I puked because I got a concussion. Why didn't someone take me to the hospital?

Birthdays to me signify aging, which is the "big bad" of life. Another year closer to death, another less year I could have spent on the earth. Birthdays always just make me wonder the exact time of my death.

Congradulations dad! I'm just like you! You won. I hate and abhor every holiday, birthday, or day of celebration. Just like you, I can't get by unless I ruin it for everyone else, because just like you, you've passed on the dominant notion that if I'm not happy, then nobody else can be happy. Mom, u won too! I'm totally not in control of anything in my life, and left to the mercy of others. You guys did such a great job at failing on all levels. You should be proud of yourselves.

being crazy...

I know I've written blogs before about my fears. I don't pretend to be perfect, although I wish I were. I'm not saying I'll ever be able to accept all these negative things about myself, I hate them all and they ruin my life... but I guess it's important to be honest. From a very young age we're taught to not be sad, mad, jealous, ashamed, disappointed, suicidal, depressed, etc, and if we are then there's something wrong with us, it's our own fault, and we should be ashamed for being so fucked up. Realistically, everyone feels this way on a daily basis! Everyone is unhappy in their lives, has serious, deep rooted problems and issues that they cause themselves as well as problems the world or their genetics dumps in their laps. I know that in the end, everyone is afraid of the same kinds of things, and I find a lot of comfort in this notion of a shared experience. Perhaps it's because I feel like if I'm not happy, nobody else should be.

I've always been nervous about the fact that I might be crazy. It seems like on both sides of my family, there are very serious mental and emotional problems. In passing, my mom mentioned that there have been suicides on her side on the family. That side of the family was most likely rather inbred, from generations all living in small towns. Judging from my mom's way of relating to the world, as well as her white trash family from the country, it's easy to see why she never found any sort of power over her own life which makes me think that she was just as fucked up.

At the same time, my dad's side of the family was a lot worse. So many family members have so many problems. The whole family is full of drug addiction, and abuses of all kinds, physical and sexual. I'm so glad that I at least got a good last name out of it. It was impossible to identify with people like my parents. They're from a world long ago. Just think, they didn't have the Internet, TV, cell phones, e-mail, computers... obviously the huge lack of any kind of progress from 50 years ago makes it impossible to understand their world view... because the world view was regional at the time. Nothing changed, and everything stayed the same. Now everything changes, nothing is ever the same.

In my past, I realize now I have had many manic episodes. As I've aged, and now that I'm 24, I've gotten better at identifying the signs and symptoms, although it really is impossible to know when it's going to end until it's over. I've embarassed myself in front of so many people- we're not going to elaborate on that because it really is something to be ashamed of. I used to never get embarassed, in fact it's a new feeling that made its debut in my 20s. Throughout my young adult life, I used to think I was always just tired, yet realize now these feelings of "tiredness" are not from being stressed out or sleep deprived. It's called depression.

Just like everyone else, I do hear voices in my head... yet I accept the fact that they're all mine, and I guess it's really just one voice (my own) yet it still does tell me so many different things. I do sometimes catch me talking to myself, and it's rather common for me to not remember if strings of thoughts were vocalized or not. I'm constantly wondering, "did I just say all that stuff out loud?" Just like everyone, I get feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, isolation, suffering, opposition, submission, wasting my life, and suicide on a daily basis. Even though nothing in my life is settled, and my life is essentially worse than it ever has been before, I know I'll be here tomorrow, that I can't just let a corporation allow me to hate my life so much that I kill myself. I'm constantly looking for stories of people who overcame their grief, because it's my biggest problem. I wish I could be the person I was before, more than anyone will ever know. But that person is dead and gone.

I wonder what they did in the olden days? I guess anyone who didn't completely fit into society was immediately singled out and killed.

my NPD

DSM Criteria
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:[1]
has a grandiose sense of self-importance
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique
requires excessive admiration
has a sense of entitlement
is interpersonally exploitative
lacks empathy
is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

colorquiz.com

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Generated on Sun Jul 6 10:19:33 2008.

Your Existing Situation

Works well in cooperation with others. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.

Your Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his own, and to stand out from the herd. His control of his sensual instincts restricts his ability to give himself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow himself to merge with another. This disturbs him, as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; he feels that only by continued self-restraint can he hope to maintain his attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for himself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Conditions are such that he will not let himself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.

Your Desired Objective

Needs recognition. Ambitious, wants to impress and be looked up to, to be both popular and admired. Seeks to bridge the gap which he feels separates him from others.

Your Actual Problem

Afraid that he may be prevented from achieving the things he wants and therefore demands that others should recognize his right to them.

Your Actual Problem #2

Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase his self-esteem and his feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets himself high standards.

colorquiz.com- it made me laugh

Your Desired Objective

His need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes him restless and he is driven by his desires and hopes. May try to spread his activities over too wide a field.

Your Actual Problem

Feels insufficiently valued in his existing situation, and is seeking different conditions in which he will have greater opportunity of demonstrating his worth.

Your Actual Problem #2

The fear that he may be prevented from achieving the things he wants leads him into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.

interesting c/p

Katharine Briggs expounded upon Jung's work, quietly working in silence and developing his theories further. But it was Katharine's daughter Isabel who was really responsible for making the work on Personality Types visible. Isabel, using her mother's work and Jung's work, asserted the importance of the auxiliary function working with the dominant function in defining Personality Type. While incorporating the auxiliary function into the picture, it became apparent that there was another distinctive preference which hadn't been defined by Jung: Judging and Perceiving. The developed theory today is that every individual has a primary mode of operation within four categories:
our flow of energy
how we take in information
how we prefer to make decisions
the basic day-to-day lifestyle that we prefer
Within each of these categories, we "prefer" to be either:
Extraverted or Introverted
Sensing or iNtuitive
Thinking or Feeling
Judging or Perceiving
Me= ENFJ/ENTJ

dreams

Continually, I have dreams that my house is destroyed, I stand
powerless watching, unable to stop the end.

"A dream which featured a house being demolished or being in an empty
one suggests you are grieving over a recent loss, broken relationship,
or missed opportunity; don't despair, time heals all things."

Today I had several very intense dreams of asteroids, outer space, and
my house being destroyed.

syctyts

The older I get, the less I want to reveal about myself. I'm forever
chasing the impossible dream of mystery; making myself into the
greatest work of art requires omission. I want to be the best kept
secret, and it's because I'm greedy. I want it all, and I want it for
myself.

Whenever people get to know me and I choose to reveal myself, they
inevitably fall away. I hate being abandoned, even less mysterious
than ever before. People talk, it's stupid to pretend like that
doesn't happen. I hate it when someone gets to know me, quickly and
easily discovering how painfully predictable and average I happen to
be. I want to be different, legendary, the stuff people write books
and paint pictures of. I loose that edge, which is all that really
matters when it comes to attraction. I'll take any form of power I can
get at this point.

My motivations are clandestine, I take no side.

I've come to value omission. In the words of Flora from Real World
Miami, "Lying is lying, but not saying is something totally
different." But where does that psychologically come from, why do I
think it's important, and why do I want to be mysterious?

It seems like the unknown is what attracts people.

SO, does that I mean I partially want to be mysterious because that's
the way I think people want me to be? It's just so hard to live up to
expectations.

Everyone wants to know something they didn't know before. Do you want
to know a secret, I'll tell you everything...