real life drama

Sometimes in life, situations and relationships become more complicated, and the integrity of one's character is called into question. Often, I have seen people close to me stumble and fall so badly and so frequently, that it makes me wonder if anyone I choose to love will start to suffer soon after...

In the past several years several people close to me have been diagnosed positive. Obviously, the state of the pandemic is not as it once was... but the most recent bomb that a friend dropped on my hit too close to home. I cried all day on 8/5/10... when I should have been crying tears of joy for prop 8's unconstitutionality. 8/4/10 has always been a significant day for me... and this year it was the highest of highs followed by the lowest of lows. That day I felt as though anything was possible and all my dreams were going to come true.

So this time it's personal. I've known my whole life that this moment now would come to pass and I've always known that I'm the one who has to choose. I make myself personally responsible for every person I come into contact with. If I choose to love someone, I will do everything in my power to help.

I've already experienced loss on a rather fundamental level, and I don't have it in me to go through it again. I can't be happy living on forever alone, I need those I love to stay with me. I was never afraid of being alone until I was and I found out I can't share the joy of life just being by myself.

People close to me try to tell me that I'm being histrionic, and making this drama all about me and that's not true. I don't hold anything back, and although I'm not a crier I really could not hold back my grieving. I cried all over the city. I cried more after that, although now I feel better, and more able to move forward. This has been a huge wake up call for me. Denial is the only coping mechanism that I have been able to make work for me so far in life, and dealing with all of these feelings has been difficult for me.

Obviously, in a situation like this, there is nobody to blame. I got mad at my friend first for not telling me, then I got mad for his bad choices, then I got mad for him not loving himself more... but I would never participate in an intervention. Ganging up on someone is totally unacceptable, and moreover who the fuck am I to say anything about things of this nature?

I know a lot about health. I want to live a long time. In fact, I fantasize about being a huge burden on everyone for decades. I want everyone to be totally over my shit, and then I go on living for 30 more years after that. The way I feel about him has not changed at all, but the nature of our relationship has to change if he's going to survive and thrive. I love him. It's my job to share all my information about the various aspects of health. I want all his dreams to come true.

Be safe, and live long enough to find the right one!