intergenerational checks in the gay community

Anyone who is gay can tell you how much stratification there is among the gay community when it comes to age. When it comes to socializing, generational taboos are the standard, which unfortunately limits ones' views of community from not being able to experience the entire spectrum. For example, I have been partying in the Castro for about 8 years now, but I have never been to 440 Castro, The Mix, The Edge, The Midnight Sun, and basically every other bar where the target audience is not pretty guys in their early to mid 20s.

Why has such a large division in one community come about? How is it detrimental?

Obviously, it's not possible to take about this topic without mentioning the HIV epidemic, which I feel is the main reason for the large absence of intergenerational checks. So many people were lost at the height of the epidemic that essentially entire generations were more or less completely wiped out. Unfortunately, due to HIV we lost a great deal of history and so many special creative individuals, and the saddest thing is that there is no way to get that energy back.

From loosing so many peers I easily understand how older generations could become spiteful and shy away from younger kids. Observing my younger generation who essentially gets to have its cake and eat it too- being more far removed from HIV and enjoying more tolerant times without so much struggle, seems like it could cause conflict between those who had to struggle so much harder and longer. It's safer now, and although internalized homophobia will always be present in our community, the amounts younger kids go through are nothing compared to intolerant views from yesteryear, which does make our relationships easier, more open, and more loving.

At the same time, so much of my identity and self worth is centered around my beauty and more specifically my youth. When I was a pre-teen I was much more conscious of the fact that I was a novelty, which provided me a special place in the gay community. Essentially all my time money and effort go into maintaining my looks and well being and the real reason is I know I don't have a chance finding a great guy if I don't look as good as I possibly can. The emphasis on youth in the gay community is unparalleled. The gay community is profoundly narcissistic and shallow, and youth culture is emphasized even more than it is in the mainstream- in which youth is already the paradigm. Men are visual, and as a result beauty in the gay community is the most important aspect of being.

Yet as much as there exists a divide between generations, sex between them is much more acceptable that it would be in straight relationships. Age disparity in sexual relationships... May/December relationships are much more acceptable, mostly due to gender roles between partners- there's not someone to play the man and someone to play the woman, so relationships are not going to be the same as they are in opposite marriage. The social constructions of sugar daddies and their counterparts are more intrinsic to our nature, and although everyone frowns upon them, they are not met with as much hostility.

Younger gays, especially with the Internet are now able to realize who they are, and what they want out of sex a lot faster than in the past- a lot of gay youths become more sexually active at younger ages, and since it's safe to say that having daddy issues is rather common in the gay community, it leads into more socially acceptable sexual relationships with older men.

Although I am making a lot of generalizations, these same feelings and issues are present in my own life. Growing up, my father physically and sexually abused me, which later in life has caused me to have attachment disorders and very complicated relationships with older men- on one hand being held in high regard by older men is very healing for me. In a way, it fills a deep void that has been there since childhood, but like any complex psychological issue, it's not that simple. As good as the attention can feel I can never trust them, and I find myself acting out all these issues with them. I see them for what they truly are, and mostly find them disgusting because they remind me of my father.

What does make me sad is how much struggle that went on the past that youth is not acknowledging in the present. Older generations fought to create all these safe spaces for us, and when I can I always tell them how grateful I am for them and the world they've created for people like me.