feeling guilty for having too much fun

I often feel guilty for having too much fun and getting away with it, which happens to be a strange paradox.

Maybe I feel guilty for leaving people out and not taking them on a wild adventure with me through life. The truth is it makes me feel isolated when I can do all these things that others can't. My looks are nothing like they were when I was young, but I'm doing the best possible job at maintaining what I have. I'm really old but I'm still going strong and have no intention of slowing down or doing less, in fact I plan on doing quite the opposite. I'm being doingness, not doing beingness. As I've gotten older and more confident, I have been able to turn up the volume on my life. Moving downtown has made going out so much easier and cheaper.

I should be able to have it all, but that's not how life works for any of us. I feel like a simulacra of Peter Berlin, and see the huge role eroticism plays in my life. Just like him I don't really ever have sex, I just fuck em without fuckin em. But the feelings that I live for could be summed up in Britney Spears' song "Breathe On Me." I love the feelings of electricity and exhilaration I feel just from being attracted to other men and them being attracted to me.

Living in San Francisco is a bubble, because it has the most options when it comes to guys. No where else is there such a large dating pool, which makes settling down impossible. How could I ever trust a guy enough to attempt a relationship? I know exactly what goes on between men when they are left up to their own devices.

More importantly, how can I expect a guy to trust me when I am honest about my activities and life style? I go out 5 times a week, sometimes anywhere from 7-11 days in a row. I drink to get drunk every night and I smoke weed throughout the day. I do hard drugs and have a lot of fun with it.

I am a fierce motherfucka who shuts it down on the dance floor every time I hit it. Dancing makes me feel everything. I feed off the attention & love to show off for people. Honestly, it makes my whole body feel like it's on fire. I love to socialize, meet new people, and keep up with the ones I have in my life. I want to get a taste of what everybody is all about.

And there ain't a thing wrong with that...