worry

I worry incessantly, about the stupidest things, sometimes too. It all started as a child, when I would go crazy whenever my mom left me, and always felt like she had died, and I was never going to see her again. For the most part, she was the only basis for secure attachment I had, so I can only assume that's the reason I worried about her so much. Being left alone with my father was the scariest thing, even now he is the only person who can stop me dead in my tracks with fear. I guess that's what he wants- everyone to be afraid of him. Sometimes, I find myself doing these same things, and becoming the person I've tried so hard not to be (in reality I know I am filling this self-for filling prophecy and do struggle hard to steer away from it.) Today at 22, even having to talk to him again turn me into a small child, in effect my body language says everything. I always consciously think that that I am so obvious, it's so easy to control me, and that it comes out really intensely with my body language. Even know, I know that my mom is the only one who really will love me forever. In addition, I had such bad anxiety as a child I developed some pretty strange OCDs.

My first one was licking my lips! How stupid of an OCD is that. It just felt so good, I couldn't stop. My lips would get so chapped, as well as the skin around it from being licked hella. People would call me Ronald McDonald, which made me self conscious enough to stop. Maybe it's at that point in my life that I started to realize that the way I looked mattered a lot, at least to everyone except for myself.

I also got addicted to shoving things under my fingernails. I would sit there and work on it for hours. Sometimes, my thumb would become at least 50% detached from the nail, I have NO IDEA just how I never got an infection anywhere.

When I lived in Pleasant Hill I developed the WORST cleaning OCDs. I can't even go into it, there's so much to say. Let's leave it at the fact that I would vacuum the carpet every day so it all went the same way, and them climb on furniture the WHOLE night so as to not fuck it up, whereupon I would go to sleep in a WATER BED (SO BAD FOR CHILDREN'S BACKS) and not let the comforter come untucked, attempting to sleep in this super constricting fashion nightly.

Some OCDs have conveniently followed me into adult hood. If I'm playing with my hair them I have anxiety. I have a ridiculous oral fixation that I can't get rid of (I bet that's why I smoke so much weed).

I'm trying so hard to let go, and I'm having the realization as I'm typing this that I think, like my father, I need to be on medication AS TERRIBLE AS THAT IS, because I know those drugs will poison me and kill me, only to support another fascist capitalist endeavor. Money is so fucking intrinsic to our values and lives that we don't even realize it, THANK GOD I am getting more and more self aware as I age.
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NE wayz,

Here's a list of some of the random things I always think about. Maybe it's entertaining.

How can people keep doing hard drugs every day for such large periods of time? Don't coke heads get headaches on a daily basis? It just seems so taxing on one's health. Looking at pictures of people I know from just 1 year ago scare me sometimes.

I always wonder and try to guess exact numbers of things. For example, the grains of sand on the beach, or the amount of times I do things.

That's a big one. I can choose to do some things only once, conversely, I can decide to do them a seemingly infinite amount of times as well. Some things, such as eating and shitting, I have no choice but to do many times. I can smoke 1 cigarette, or I can smoke a million. I also think about the people and the amount of times I do things with them. I can coke a bitch out just one (jk) but who knows whether the person will go on to never do it again, or do it a lot. Or maybe a few times only. It's fun to think about it. At the end of my life. I want to have only watched TV not that many times. I can go to 1 drag performance, or I can do as many as I can muster until my body gives out.

I like to think about how much me as well as other people damage the world but "just living our lives." I may think I'm a person who's "been through a lot," and I'm "working really hard to be a young professional" but in reality I waste vast amounts of water, energy, etc. and I'm sure all my clothes were made in a sweatshop. My comfortable life is only at the expense of an unknown amount of people who are hurt by it.