steppin her pussy up

My life has changed a lot, it feels alien to look back on the blog. I've been living in my own apt for the past few years. This May I bought my first car- a 2002 Mercedes Benz C230 Kompressor. It's in great condition, and the feelings of freedom I experience from having a care are unparalleled. I've been visiting with my family… not as much as I should. I love my mom so much! I admire and respect her. I still feel full of ideas… just like when I was young.

Dorita Free2Lay

I have been working on creative projects lately. I've always been fairly science minded, so it's nice to take a taste of something a little different. The best feeling in the world for me is making people laugh. I'm in on the joke, y'all...

just sayin'

I consider myself hot enough to attract other hot guys. I'm happy and fun to be around. I have enough money to take someone out a few times a week. I work out consistently and cook on a daily basis.
... I've never cheated on a boyfriend and I'm HIV negative...
I think I might be a unicorn

les nouvelles

Now that I've moved into my own studio I'm cocooning... it's been many years since I felt secure in my living situation. It sounds delusional to say it, but my apartment feels like a forever home even though I've only slept here 19 days. I'm very happy in my life and feel better about myself than I thought I could. Even though there's nothing entertaining to do I never want to leave...

My Saturn return has been overall the most challenging... Mercury is retrograde right now, that probably is why I'm going back to my blog after a long hiatus. It's not like anybody reads this. If they do I'm flattered, but it's also inappropriate. This is just between me and the internet.

2012

I can't believe how quickly 2011 went by! My Saturn return is in full effect and everything in my life has changed completely- job, house, relationships, etc. Life has been challenging but the truth is I'm happier than ever before. I thought my time was up but I have been getting my swag back.

I have a lot of things I need to focus on. It blows my mind how much my life has changed for the better... there's so much going on in my life that it's really hard for me to focus on anything... but basically I only have 5 things to really worry about.

drag debut this spring
work out
tattoos
more designer clothes
save more money

the way I feel about guys

I have a problem... I can't love anybody and I can't receive any love.

I try to always see the good in people, and I don't look down on others. Obviously, I have nothing to offer a man at this point in my life so I'm not one to talk. With that being said, nobody makes me feel anything. I catch myself in siutations where I'm with someone and I will think to myself, wow this guy is really great... he's hot, nice and probably doing ok money wise... I should be head over heels but I just feel like that bitch ain't shit. I'm probably wrapped up because when it comes to guys I have a whole list of requirements... it doesn't feel organic in any way.

I used to get so horny and I still do, but sex doesn't really feel good to me any more. It's become something that I do because I feel like it's what I should be doing. I don't feel the passion anymore which is what I look for most in sex.

Peter Berlin was right about everything. Infatuation. The feelings I get from being attracted to men and them being attracted back to me is exhilarating and still fun. I fuck em without fuckin em.

100 truths

1. Name: Darrin Eason Goodness

2. Age: 26

3. Zodiac sign: aries

4. Male or Female : male

5. Hair color: brown

6. Tall or short: short

7. Are you ticklish: yeah

8. Dress or jeans : jeans

9.If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be: $1,000,000

10.How many drugs have you done in the last three days: weed

11.What did your last text message you received on your cell say and who was it from: Merwyn- Hi

12.Name one thing you worry about running out of: money

13.Five things you would need to survive, if left alone on a deserted island: shelter, water desalinator, knife, laptop with wireless, toothbrush

14.What is your best physical feature: hands

15. Do you have a crush on someone?: no

16. What color are your bed sheets: blue

17.Peircings? nose and ears

18. Pepsi or Coke: neither

19.Been in an airplane: yes

20.Been in a relationship: yes

21.Do you talk to yourself: occasionally

22.What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower: probabaly Madonna

23.What do you do when no one is watching: eat

24. First bestfriend: Kelly Schultz

25.Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep: blaze of glory

26.First Crush: Link from Legend of Zelda

27.Driven a car?: many times

29.Last friend you talked to in person? Alain

30.Do you "label" yourself: gay, mixed

31.What do you think about the person who took this survey before you: not sure

32.If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would play you: Wilson Cruz

33. Last movie you watched: Showgirls

34. Last song you listened to: Dynamite- Stonebridge club remix by Taio Cruz

35. Last thing you bought: groceries

36. Last person you hugged: Mike Marielli

37. Food: indian, mexican, thai, sushi, american

38. Drinks: water, vodka soda

39. Bottoms: shorts

40. Flower: can I keep em?

41. Animal: seals

42. Colors: red, yellow, white, black

43. Movie: Showgirls

44. Subjects: biology

HAVE YOU EVER...

([X] meaning yes [ ] meaning no)

45. [x] fallen in love with someone

46. [x] celebrated Halloween

47. [x] had your heart broken

48. [x] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone

49. [x] wanted to smack someone upside the head

51. [x] eaten a whole pizza

52. [x] tried to do something, but couldn't succeed

53. [x] did something I regret.

54. [x] broke a promise

55. [x] hid a secret

56. [X] pretended to be happy

57. [x] met someone who changed your life

58. [x] pretended to be sick

59. [x] left the country

60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it

61. [x] cried over the silliest thing

62. [x] ran 5 miles

63. [x] went to the beach with your bestfriend

64. [x] got into an argument with your friends

65. [x] hated someone

66. [x] stayed single for a whole year

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating: nothing

68. Drinking: nothing

69. Listening to: refrigerator hum

70. Thinking about: having fun tonight

71. Plans for today: drinks at Lime later

72. Waiting for: 6pm when I'm off work


YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids: no

74. Want to get married: maybe

75. Careers in mind: biomedical engineer

WHICH IS BETTER IN A POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST?:

76. Lips or eyes: lips

77. Shorter or taller: same height

78. Romantic or Spontaneous? both

79. Nice stomach or nice arms?: both

81. Hook-up or relationship?: hook up

82. Looks or personality?: looks

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: yeah

84. Snuck out of a house: no

85. Held a gun/knife for self defense: probably

86.Had your heart broken: yeah

87. Broken someone's heart: probably

88. Been in love: yeah

89. Cried when someone died: Yeah


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: at times

91. Miracles: sometimes

92. Love at first sight: not sure

93. Heaven: no

94. Santa Clause: no

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? not sure

98. Do you know who your real friends are?: yeah

99. Do you believe in God?: no

100. Would you change something in your life?: yeah

narcissistic infatuation

I've always said the best part about being gay is that I am able to be the thing that I desire. I'm gay, so what I see in other men I also see (or want to see) in myself. Obviously, masculine beauty is what I seek for myself as well as in a significant other. When I was a little boy I found myself attracted to other boys but without the sexual desire that encompasses adult attraction.

Because I was young in the 90s in the suburbs, people were a lot less open. I am part of the last generation to not see myself represented in culture and media, so the realization about the way I feel in some senses was very organic. As a child my first feelings for other males were mostly surrounded by jealousy, or wishing to be like them. When I perceived a boy as attractive, I wanted his attention because it made me feel like I was an analogue of that beauty. Attractive males are more special and more relevant than the rest of the population and I want to possess that power for myself.

As I grew up I started to understand my feelings and the way I felt about other guys really confused me. Even now, when I find myself attracted to somebody I process my feelings and thoughts & I find the reason I'm attracted is because I want to be him. I often don't like guys because I desire them, I like them because I wish I had the traits that I desire. Either there is something unique about the way he looks or his energy and I want to have that for myself. I don't think of myself as unattractive and neither does anybody else, but I accept that love comes with a lot of jealous feelings in gay relationships.

It's for all of these reasons that I often tell people, when someone says I love you, what they really mean is I love the way you make me feel about myself, because that is the real truth to the situation. I often find gay men telling me that they're looking for someone just like them, or someone just like them who is slightly different. I don't really think narcissism would be the right term for this social trend, so much as seeing things in other people that you also see or want in yourself.

I often worry that my view on love and relationships is unhealthy and unrealistic, because I am sexual abuse survivor. I received too much sexualization too early in life, and paid the price for many years dealing with attachment disorders that really made my interpersonal relationships a living nightmare when they could have been balanced and harmonious. Growing up my mom told me that you can only have sex if you're in love, and the truth is I'm really trying to overcome these issues now so much later in life. I wish she'd told me something more realistic, such as you can have safe sex with anybody you want- I think that would have prepared me a lot better for the world and the people in it.

A list of every guy I've had sex with

A lot of people don't know how many guys they've fucked, and I worry for those people because it seems reasonable to assume they are not thinking objectively about risks for STDs and HIV! I feel like this is a good time to reiterate that I only have safe sex even with boyfriends. Ironically, I am also statistically 1/10 as promiscuous of members of my peer group, and I write down everything in my diary.

As a gay person who has a small amount of internalized homophobia, I consider anything past kissing to be sex. Essentially if other people are in the room with you and you have an orgasm I almost consider that to be sex.

Here's a list of all the guys I've had sex with. They are listed in the order when I first had sex with them, the age at which I first had sex with them, their astrological sign, a grade of how good they were, and a brief note.

1. Jordan 19, White, Pisces, D+, not hot enough for me, uncut.

2. West 18, White, Taurus, A+, huge dick & very consistent will always miss.

3. Levi 22, White, Libra, B, not masculine enough to keep me interested.

4. Chun Yin 20, Asian, Aquarius, C, hole hungry for my dick but passionless.

5. Rik 53, White, Gemini, A-, so kinky that I still can't say no.

6. Seth 24, White, Aries, F, one night stand, passionless.

7. Rafi 40, Middle Eastern, Leo, C-, one night stand, passionless.

8. Fernando 39, Mexican, Cancer, C, great guy but lacking in too many areas.

9. Carlos 25, Mexican, Aries, B-, hot but lacking in too many areas.

10. Kerry 30, White, Virgo, A-, one night stand, visiting from abroad, uncut.

11. Drew 43, Black, Aries, C, amazing dick but a tit pig and sketchy.

12. Joshuar 19, Mixed Mexican/Greek/Japanese, Capricorn, B+, hot, young, and a biter, big dick uncut.

13. Alexander 23, Native American, Sagittarius, B, pushes all the right buttons, uncut.

14. Jaime 30, Mexican, Leo, D-, Foot fetish and bad kisser, uncut

15. Marco 23, Mexican/Italian, Libra, C, popers in the club lead to head in his car

16. Brian 30, White, Scorpio, A, Over 8 inches with an 8g prince albert, eventually let him stick it in and my ass bled for 4 days ;D

17. Gustavo, 30, Mexican, Leo, D-, non-existant dick and too hairy

feeling guilty for having too much fun

I often feel guilty for having too much fun and getting away with it, which happens to be a strange paradox.

Maybe I feel guilty for leaving people out and not taking them on a wild adventure with me through life. The truth is it makes me feel isolated when I can do all these things that others can't. My looks are nothing like they were when I was young, but I'm doing the best possible job at maintaining what I have. I'm really old but I'm still going strong and have no intention of slowing down or doing less, in fact I plan on doing quite the opposite. I'm being doingness, not doing beingness. As I've gotten older and more confident, I have been able to turn up the volume on my life. Moving downtown has made going out so much easier and cheaper.

I should be able to have it all, but that's not how life works for any of us. I feel like a simulacra of Peter Berlin, and see the huge role eroticism plays in my life. Just like him I don't really ever have sex, I just fuck em without fuckin em. But the feelings that I live for could be summed up in Britney Spears' song "Breathe On Me." I love the feelings of electricity and exhilaration I feel just from being attracted to other men and them being attracted to me.

Living in San Francisco is a bubble, because it has the most options when it comes to guys. No where else is there such a large dating pool, which makes settling down impossible. How could I ever trust a guy enough to attempt a relationship? I know exactly what goes on between men when they are left up to their own devices.

More importantly, how can I expect a guy to trust me when I am honest about my activities and life style? I go out 5 times a week, sometimes anywhere from 7-11 days in a row. I drink to get drunk every night and I smoke weed throughout the day. I do hard drugs and have a lot of fun with it.

I am a fierce motherfucka who shuts it down on the dance floor every time I hit it. Dancing makes me feel everything. I feed off the attention & love to show off for people. Honestly, it makes my whole body feel like it's on fire. I love to socialize, meet new people, and keep up with the ones I have in my life. I want to get a taste of what everybody is all about.

And there ain't a thing wrong with that...

Happy 2011

I'm not going to lie, I spent many years of my life being miserable and contemplating suicide on a daily basis. I am a lot better now! Pain never goes away, but time really does dull it. My new year's resolution is to be a lot more active. I have been a lot more social and active than ever before, yet I still feel like I need to turn up the volume on my life! To a lesser extent, my new years resolution is to be more mysterious and disclose a lot less. My mouth has always had a tendency to get me into trouble.

I've had more money which has contributed to this happiness. I'm not stuck not being able to do anything, I'm able to show out as much as I want and tip everyone really well. That's the thing about money that I was never able to do- be greedy and try to hold onto it for myself.

For the holidays me and my gay bff partied every single day for 11 days in a row. I feel really comfortable in Castro and other party atmospheres. They are kind of like a home away from home, and they do give me the feeling of family- a shared experience can be very comforting.

When I am active I have energy to do all that I intend to. Sometimes being fit can be scary, just because my mind and body are not used to being able to go as hard and as long as they can.

New Years I went to a fat underground party which would have been amazing except it got broken up at midnight. Lucky for me right after arriving I'd met a guy who I'd seen out at badlands many times. I kissed him on new years then brought him home, we spent the next two days together and I'm really feeling him. I'd seen him around many times and wanted to say hi but I was shy, even though I'm not a shy person.

club drama

Last night was Thanksgiving, and since I'm always in the city for real holidays I like to go out to the clubs because it's reasonable to assume everyone there will be the kind of people that actually live here, and not the people who "live" here.

Last night as I was coming out of Church station to go kick it at Lime, I saw what I first thought was a bum bent over, trying to draw attention to his calves, which were in fact nice, actually that was the first thing I noticed about this person.

I walked by and was waiting for the outside side entrance to open so I could go punch the door code to the inside locked door. The guy came right up to me and asked me if I party, which means if I smoke meth or not. I said I didn't, and he said that's why he probably didn't see me out, even though I've been partying in Castro for the past 8 years.

Right away he started to ask me for $20 to suck my dick, which I thought was pretty cheap, cause I've heard of crack whores always saying 20 to suck, 40 to fuck. In the big scheme of things this white guy didn't look terrible, and he didn't look that weathered. It seemed like he was trying to pretend to be straight, and he also said he had friends who were down for some group action.

I actually won't pay for sex... I would let a guy to pay me to suck my dick but that would only be if I knew the guy was clean. This guy kept telling me that I have such a good face that I should have sugar daddies, but I don't like that dynamic in a relationship and I can make my own money. It's strange how intrinsic having sex with people for money is to most people.

It was the desperation that really struck me. I would have loved to have sex with this guy because he was attractive, because when I declined he tried to massage me. Also, I knew crossing boundaries with this individual would put me at risk. I gave him $5 and told him a few times that he should spend it on food. He gave me a really tight hug. I saw the same guy later that night before I stepped into Badlands and he tried to hug me but I said I had to go.

It makes me sad how self destructive so many people in our community are.

Ironically later that night I saw this guy who I had sex with twice out... he was belligerently drunk and was kind of acting like a bitch. He said he wanted to go home and have sex with me but I was out with my friends, which made him upset and he said, "Fuck you, Darrin! You always do this to me!" He went to the dance floor and tried to hook up with other guys but they kept rejecting him.

I don't appreciate how complicated my relationships with other guys happen to be.

Sun in Scorpio

For a while I have been having really intense dreams and I often remember the next day! For an extended period of time they were almost exclusively nightmares, but I have had a few good dreams as well. In most of my nightmares I'm running from something- usually some sort of superhuman, omnipotent, deadly and nefarious force. My lungs are always burning and I'm always doing whatever it takes to escape- jumping over fences and walls to flee. I did have one very lucky dream where I was infinitely wealthy living in a mansion on Miami beach, I would lay out naked and tan all the time because my dick was as big as the hydrant- not the one provided for fire fighters thru public works but the sex toy. I would just keep meeting guys on the beach then take them back to my house and fuck them.

Often when the sun is in Scorpio I have an intense time going thru life. I face much opposition, but then also feel as though my power is building itself up. I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to work more; moreover it was in a job that pays $25 an hour, so by the end of the night I will be in a much more secure place than I've been in for essentially the past 3 years.

Last night we went to the club, and we basically saw a belligerently drunk person die on the street- whole pints of blood were pouring out of the head and running down the sidewalk on a slight incline- life and death are so closely linked sometimes they seem analogous... at the end of the night the ambulance came through and washed all the blood off with the special bio hazard white powder.

I also found an iPhone that night and someone else's coat check. I was scrupulous and returned the coat check tag to the coat check- I held onto the phone cause I found it at an ATM and in the hopes of reaching it, I tried to pick it up when calls came through to it in the hopes of telling whoever picks up to alert that person that I have his or her phone, but when I tried to answer it nothing came thru. I also found a Last night, when we got back to my friend's house above Lime on Market street, we were locked out! Luckily for us, Greg the owner of Lime and Trigger was out so he really saved us that night! I had naively tried to climb up on some garbage bins before. Highs and lows...

what are u good at?

I am really good at keeping it together even though I'm fucked up on one or more substances.

I'm good at flirting and being carefree, making you giggle, and when you're gone I'm good at forgetting it ever happened.

I lie about everything, I am really good at lying on the spot, I'm really good at remembering which lies I told to which people.

I'm good at self control when it comes to not having sex with guys even though my body's saying let's go.

I'm good at creating the illusion of flawless beauty.

I'm good at speaking and being charming to new people.

I'm good at not dealing with things, I suppose denial is the only coping mechanism that really works for me.

I am good at not starving to death even though I usually go 2-3 weeks without a single dollar in my bank account.

I'm good at being resourceful and making a lot come out of extremely limited resources...

But if this is the case, what am I even good at?

On a daily basis, I alternate between wanting to die yesterday and wanting to live forever...

fun facts about me

Obviously, I am choosing to focus on the more positive aspects of my character and personality:

I was born 4/18/1984 at 4:41 a.m. Aries sun, Sagittarius moon, Aries rising. I have no air in my chart at all. All my planets are in Scorpio, Capricorn, and Sagittarius, except for one or two. I've been studying astrology for many years, and it goes a lot deeper than people think. After I learned some basics I finally felt like I was no longer at the mercy of innumerable external forces.

I came into the world ass first, which was ironic because I'm not a bottom. I guess I had flipped so my mom had a c-section.

I knew I was gay from a very young age. Not so much that I wanted to have sex with men, but that I was for sure different. I played with barbies growing up. As far as gender goes, I've expressed myself thru the whole spectrum. I grew up to be a butch faggot.

When I was a baby I was always getting in the mud. I don't remember it but my mom had the pictures to prove it.

Growing up, my parents were rather poor... by the time I'd graduated high school they'd made it to middle class. Ironically, my entire life I have been surrounded by wealth and privilege, but never had it for myself. I've always been on the outside looking in, yet always thought I am destined for something more.

I was a fat kid, and I am grateful because it taught me to be humble. And I enjoy my beauty more now that I have it.

I have a dark past. I've really been thru it. I know I can survive in spite of great hardships. There have been many year long periods where I have not cried once, which is unhealthy.

My favorite types of books are autobiographies- specifically rags to riches stories. My favorite book is How To Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale By Jenna Jameson.

Showgirls is my favorite movie. I guess my other ones would be Freeway, The Craft, Hackers, and Bound.

I grew listening to old school hip hop and freestyle (Latin house). I live for house music. Frequently, it's the only thing that really takes me over. All of the following genres are my fav: booty, deep, ghetto, peak hour, jackin, funky, clubby, electro, & minimal tech. Aside from that I listen to pop and hip hop. I occasionally get into breaks, and sometimes drum and bass. I'm not a fan of trance and dubstep.

I don't like music if it doesn't make me want to dance. When I dance I experience the entire range of emotions, for me it always is a real high. I wish I'd been a dancer.

I don't party to excess but there have been periods in my life. I love clubbing, the castro, and undergrounds. Any where the music is good, and I can see and be seen.

My favorite animal as a kid were seals, the first thing I ever wanted to be was a marine biologist. Even now I feature seal figurines in my living space.

I find a great deal of comfort in pop culture and gossip magazines. I try not to take life too seriously.

I do take my health really seriously. I always try to eat clean and exercise. My favorite foods are indian, mexican, thai, american, and italian.

The following are my favorite stars for various reasons: Madonna, Jenna Jameson, Lady Gaga, Paris Hilton, RuPaul, Francois Sagat & Jeff Palmer.

I went to the same school district and was surrounded by pretty much the same people for Kindergarten thru senior year in high school. The only thing I miss about the east bay is the hot weather.

I've never been in a car accident. Never broken a bone, nor been sent to the hospital.

When I fall in love with somebody I never fall out of love. I love all my past loves just as much as when I first fell in love. That being said, I would never have sex with an ex.

I've never cheated on a boyfriend. I've never hooked up off the Internet. I've had sex with 8 men so far. I consider anything more than kissing to be sex.

I hate conflict and go to such lengths to avoid it, which causes even worse conflict.

I'm a very generous person... if you can't be used you're useless. Selfless giving is at the heart of every Buddhist philosophy.

I have a lot of dreams but doubt I would ever try to fulfill them. The biggest is to leave earth and travel thru outer space.

I try to share jokes with people and get people to laugh when they're around me. There's no greater power than bringing joy into the world.

I have done all of the following drugs: weed, ecstasy, LSD, special K, cocaine, meth, shrooms, a few random pharmaceuticals, and 2CB. I don't drink that much cause it hurts my stomach. I think all drugs should be legalized, because people are going to do them regardless.

Someday I will be completely covered with tattoos. Money is the only reason I'm not. I have had all the following piercings: nipples, snakebites, filtrum, cheeks, septum, smiley, dermal anchor, 5 in each ear. They have to be symmetrical. That being said, I am not into s&m.

I'm a buddhist but I don't believe in reincarnation. I was raised methodist and my grandma would occasionally take me to catholic church. I have never believed in god. I do believe in angels, and I think they walk among us.

It seems logical to assume that life colonizes from planet to planet via single celled organisms.

My Fine Is $550.60

This is fun to do. Just read the 'offense' and if you've done it, you owe that fine.You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. NOTE fines to be added once, not for how ever many times you have done it.


Smoked weed -- $10
Did acid or pills -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace/Facebook/Bebo etc -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Cross dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive and drank -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a vehicle while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video or took pictures -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in public -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex --$25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars-- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under the age accepted by rule of thumb (half your age plus 7) -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time-- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Pissed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25
Tally it up and put it on ur status as: "My Fine Is..." (nothing else) then copy and send to ur friends

the secret is the law of attraction 8===><===8

I don't have a type, but when I see something I like, I know. I've listed them somewhat in order, from most to least important...

turn ons:
mixed guys
papis and brothas
fit bodies
versatility
good bone structure
confidence
light eyes w/ dark skin
huge cocks
big lips
big asses
big arms
masculinity
stubble
chest hair
nice calves
nice cars
endurance
likes house music
clean fingernails
buzz cuts
smirks
stoners
bad boys
recklessness
manners
passion
blond white guys
California natives
dental hygiene
adventurous

If you meet any of the aforementioned criteria you and I can see what's up :)

turn offs:
femmes
asians
redheads
really skinny
really fat
really hairy
middle easterners
shitty attitudes
disrespect
lack of body contact

vintage goodness

digital goodness... reality's simulacra in a digital universe

One of the things I like about gmail is that it will save your chats. There's nothing that offers a fresh perspective on a situation other than time. I'm one of those people who is right about everything, and nothing has ever been my fault. I'm happy I can reinforce it through rereading notes from the past.

I've been online a lot more to chat with my cousin Dick Goodness. Being online is a slippery slope. In the past I've taken years off of aim, chatting, etc. But, without the Internet such a light wouldn't have come into my life. On the upside, communication via Internet can be extremely reassuring. I have hundreds of friends on social networking websites. Clearly, people care?

Obviously, when I actually have things going on in my real life, I shy away from being online, because being present in reality is more reassuring. I was surprised when people said I'm back when I started going on aim again. I'm not back. Also, I never left. I never disappeared into a parallel universe.

I hate being online. I hate the Internet. I hate that it can make me feel things. It makes me jealous cause everyone's happier, better looking, and richer than I am. My narcissistic personality disorder is only aggravated from being online. 2 nights ago I had cybersex with the first guy I ever fell in love with. Err I should say I sent nasty pics in order to illicit a response, and fucked around with him now that the tables have turned.

Yet at the end of the night, I wasn't able to cuddle up with someone, kiss the back of his neck, put my arm around him and sleep beside someone. Somehow, the false sense of connection one can get from the Internet does nothing but play with emotions worse that a drugged out boyfriend desperate for sex.

green light go- let's play a love game

I rarely write about my life on this blog... partially because nothing happens worth writing about, partially to keep specific people in state of suspended jealousy because my exhibitionism only extends to those for whom I want to perform.

Anyways, it's no big secret how desperate I am for a man. Looking back at years passed, I thought I would share a tragic/sweet story of how I used to meet guys. Even now I'm mostly clueless. I won't date off the Internet, which means only meeting guys in real life. Usually, I walk behind someone and trace my fingers across his back... unless I walk in front of him and trace my fingers across his stomach. It's enough to cross a boundary yet remain culturally acceptable. I never make eye contact until I'm a few feet away, then look over my shoulder with a sweet smile. It never really works, but as long as I get the feeling of attraction, I am temporarily satisfied. I like playing love games because I want love.

I've always loved driving, for me it makes me really relaxed. There's something exhilarating in the thought that I actually can go anywhere I want. It makes me feel free. I'm never doing anything, and for me driving has always been extremely therapeutic... I'm finally going somewhere, finally doing something. I had a car my first 2 years of college... then a scooter. In fact, my first boyfriend admitted that he fell in love with me because I drove a scooter. Nobody wants a guy who doesn't have a car, myself included. Cars can contain one's whole life, and are always a reflection of identity. People drive nice cars because it makes one feel good about one's self. I always wonder where young people had sex or snorted drugs before cars... I guess they just went outside.

Anyways, even though my car was ghetto, it was a still a car, so to those who had no car at all it could still be seen as a luxury. Whenever I would see a cute guy anywhere, I would pull up and ask him if he needed a ride somewhere... it was always a case of just needing a ride home. Since I was a gentle-looking 18 year old boy, I was rarely met with resistance, although there were people who refused and I could tell they were really creeped out. I never really had anything to do, and with so much time on my hands I never had anywhere I needed to be.

For a long time, I was completely sure I was going to meet the love of my life from offering him a ride. How cute of a story would that have been anyways? Walking down the street with a chip on your shoulder when all of a sudden a real life angel of Goodness flies in to save the day, and take your ass wherever it needs to go. I wonder how many people remembered me, and how many lost the random ephemeral memory during the transition of short term to long term. I still think about them. I like being nice to guys.

There's no way to know exactly how many guys I met this way. I purposefully never told this to boyfriends cause I never wanted them to get jealous or think I'm promiscuous. I was always looking for someone who wanted to be with me, some people search their entire lives and never find love. I heard a lot of sob stories, everyone has one and I don't want to hear any of them. Long story short, none of these "hook ups" ever resulted in sex, nor a boyfriend. Just phone numbers and more love games. Still, I think back to these days and get a big smile on my face thinking about how sweet and innocent it all was... how sweet and innocent I was...