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Showing posts with label gay. Show all posts

7/14/12

just sayin'

I consider myself hot enough to attract other hot guys. I'm happy and fun to be around. I have enough money to take someone out a few times a week. I work out consistently and cook on a daily basis.
... I've never cheated on a boyfriend and I'm HIV negative...
I think I might be a unicorn

4/1/11

my hilarious gay SF dating blog

Remember when Left Eye broke down the math of just why TLC was bankrupt when they should have been living the good life? Here is the break down of why I'll never find a man even though I live in a sea of potential love interests. Everyone knows finding a man is next to impossible in SF, even though you would think it would be easier since it has such a high concentration of gay people. Here is the unfortunate reality:

When you go into any club in San Francisco half the guys are some sort of asian and immediately disqualified. I'm trying not to talk shit so all I'm going to say is not even with someone else's dick.

Of those leftover 50% of the club that is latin, black, and white, 1/2 of those guys are too old (over the age of 30) so now that only leaves 1/4 of the total as potentials. The sad truth is if a guy is over the age of 35, there's a really good chance he is HIV positive, which means they are not an option for me.

Of those remaining 1/4 of the total, half are too physically unattractive or their shit is fucked up in some way. The sad reality is that aside from money, looks are the most relevant commodity in our culture, so that means only 1/8 of guys in SF are attractive enough and in my age bracket.

Since our culture puts so much emphasis on beauty, when someone is hot there's a good chance he knows it. When you are on the top of the food chain you can fuck whoever you want and being really promiscuous puts one's health at risk, so that eliminates half of the 1/8, leaving only 1/16 of the total population as hot enough, not asian, and not too promiscuous.

Of the remaining 1/16, half are either mentally fucked up in some way, so lost in addiction that there's no turning back, or too ghetto and have no plan for their future. Obviously, being around someone like that is a recipe for disaster.

So at the end of the day, when everything is said and done, that leaves only 3% of guys in San Francisco as potential love interests. Obviously, those are just potentials... anyone can tell you it's rare to find somebody and have a serious connection with that person...

3/25/11

narcissistic infatuation

I've always said the best part about being gay is that I am able to be the thing that I desire. I'm gay, so what I see in other men I also see (or want to see) in myself. Obviously, masculine beauty is what I seek for myself as well as in a significant other. When I was a little boy I found myself attracted to other boys but without the sexual desire that encompasses adult attraction.

Because I was young in the 90s in the suburbs, people were a lot less open. I am part of the last generation to not see myself represented in culture and media, so the realization about the way I feel in some senses was very organic. As a child my first feelings for other males were mostly surrounded by jealousy, or wishing to be like them. When I perceived a boy as attractive, I wanted his attention because it made me feel like I was an analogue of that beauty. Attractive males are more special and more relevant than the rest of the population and I want to possess that power for myself.

As I grew up I started to understand my feelings and the way I felt about other guys really confused me. Even now, when I find myself attracted to somebody I process my feelings and thoughts & I find the reason I'm attracted is because I want to be him. I often don't like guys because I desire them, I like them because I wish I had the traits that I desire. Either there is something unique about the way he looks or his energy and I want to have that for myself. I don't think of myself as unattractive and neither does anybody else, but I accept that love comes with a lot of jealous feelings in gay relationships.

It's for all of these reasons that I often tell people, when someone says I love you, what they really mean is I love the way you make me feel about myself, because that is the real truth to the situation. I often find gay men telling me that they're looking for someone just like them, or someone just like them who is slightly different. I don't really think narcissism would be the right term for this social trend, so much as seeing things in other people that you also see or want in yourself.

I often worry that my view on love and relationships is unhealthy and unrealistic, because I am sexual abuse survivor. I received too much sexualization too early in life, and paid the price for many years dealing with attachment disorders that really made my interpersonal relationships a living nightmare when they could have been balanced and harmonious. Growing up my mom told me that you can only have sex if you're in love, and the truth is I'm really trying to overcome these issues now so much later in life. I wish she'd told me something more realistic, such as you can have safe sex with anybody you want- I think that would have prepared me a lot better for the world and the people in it.

2/18/11

feeling guilty for having too much fun

I often feel guilty for having too much fun and getting away with it, which happens to be a strange paradox.

Maybe I feel guilty for leaving people out and not taking them on a wild adventure with me through life. The truth is it makes me feel isolated when I can do all these things that others can't. My looks are nothing like they were when I was young, but I'm doing the best possible job at maintaining what I have. I'm really old but I'm still going strong and have no intention of slowing down or doing less, in fact I plan on doing quite the opposite. I'm being doingness, not doing beingness. As I've gotten older and more confident, I have been able to turn up the volume on my life. Moving downtown has made going out so much easier and cheaper.

I should be able to have it all, but that's not how life works for any of us. I feel like a simulacra of Peter Berlin, and see the huge role eroticism plays in my life. Just like him I don't really ever have sex, I just fuck em without fuckin em. But the feelings that I live for could be summed up in Britney Spears' song "Breathe On Me." I love the feelings of electricity and exhilaration I feel just from being attracted to other men and them being attracted to me.

Living in San Francisco is a bubble, because it has the most options when it comes to guys. No where else is there such a large dating pool, which makes settling down impossible. How could I ever trust a guy enough to attempt a relationship? I know exactly what goes on between men when they are left up to their own devices.

More importantly, how can I expect a guy to trust me when I am honest about my activities and life style? I go out 5 times a week, sometimes anywhere from 7-11 days in a row. I drink to get drunk every night and I smoke weed throughout the day. I do hard drugs and have a lot of fun with it.

I am a fierce motherfucka who shuts it down on the dance floor every time I hit it. Dancing makes me feel everything. I feed off the attention & love to show off for people. Honestly, it makes my whole body feel like it's on fire. I love to socialize, meet new people, and keep up with the ones I have in my life. I want to get a taste of what everybody is all about.

And there ain't a thing wrong with that...

11/26/10

intergenerational checks in the gay community

Anyone who is gay can tell you how much stratification there is among the gay community when it comes to age. When it comes to socializing, generational taboos are the standard, which unfortunately limits ones' views of community from not being able to experience the entire spectrum. For example, I have been partying in the Castro for about 8 years now, but I have never been to 440 Castro, The Mix, The Edge, The Midnight Sun, and basically every other bar where the target audience is not pretty guys in their early to mid 20s.

Why has such a large division in one community come about? How is it detrimental?

Obviously, it's not possible to take about this topic without mentioning the HIV epidemic, which I feel is the main reason for the large absence of intergenerational checks. So many people were lost at the height of the epidemic that essentially entire generations were more or less completely wiped out. Unfortunately, due to HIV we lost a great deal of history and so many special creative individuals, and the saddest thing is that there is no way to get that energy back.

From loosing so many peers I easily understand how older generations could become spiteful and shy away from younger kids. Observing my younger generation who essentially gets to have its cake and eat it too- being more far removed from HIV and enjoying more tolerant times without so much struggle, seems like it could cause conflict between those who had to struggle so much harder and longer. It's safer now, and although internalized homophobia will always be present in our community, the amounts younger kids go through are nothing compared to intolerant views from yesteryear, which does make our relationships easier, more open, and more loving.

At the same time, so much of my identity and self worth is centered around my beauty and more specifically my youth. When I was a pre-teen I was much more conscious of the fact that I was a novelty, which provided me a special place in the gay community. Essentially all my time money and effort go into maintaining my looks and well being and the real reason is I know I don't have a chance finding a great guy if I don't look as good as I possibly can. The emphasis on youth in the gay community is unparalleled. The gay community is profoundly narcissistic and shallow, and youth culture is emphasized even more than it is in the mainstream- in which youth is already the paradigm. Men are visual, and as a result beauty in the gay community is the most important aspect of being.

Yet as much as there exists a divide between generations, sex between them is much more acceptable that it would be in straight relationships. Age disparity in sexual relationships... May/December relationships are much more acceptable, mostly due to gender roles between partners- there's not someone to play the man and someone to play the woman, so relationships are not going to be the same as they are in opposite marriage. The social constructions of sugar daddies and their counterparts are more intrinsic to our nature, and although everyone frowns upon them, they are not met with as much hostility.

Younger gays, especially with the Internet are now able to realize who they are, and what they want out of sex a lot faster than in the past- a lot of gay youths become more sexually active at younger ages, and since it's safe to say that having daddy issues is rather common in the gay community, it leads into more socially acceptable sexual relationships with older men.

Although I am making a lot of generalizations, these same feelings and issues are present in my own life. Growing up, my father physically and sexually abused me, which later in life has caused me to have attachment disorders and very complicated relationships with older men- on one hand being held in high regard by older men is very healing for me. In a way, it fills a deep void that has been there since childhood, but like any complex psychological issue, it's not that simple. As good as the attention can feel I can never trust them, and I find myself acting out all these issues with them. I see them for what they truly are, and mostly find them disgusting because they remind me of my father.

What does make me sad is how much struggle that went on the past that youth is not acknowledging in the present. Older generations fought to create all these safe spaces for us, and when I can I always tell them how grateful I am for them and the world they've created for people like me.

club drama

Last night was Thanksgiving, and since I'm always in the city for real holidays I like to go out to the clubs because it's reasonable to assume everyone there will be the kind of people that actually live here, and not the people who "live" here.

Last night as I was coming out of Church station to go kick it at Lime, I saw what I first thought was a bum bent over, trying to draw attention to his calves, which were in fact nice, actually that was the first thing I noticed about this person.

I walked by and was waiting for the outside side entrance to open so I could go punch the door code to the inside locked door. The guy came right up to me and asked me if I party, which means if I smoke meth or not. I said I didn't, and he said that's why he probably didn't see me out, even though I've been partying in Castro for the past 8 years.

Right away he started to ask me for $20 to suck my dick, which I thought was pretty cheap, cause I've heard of crack whores always saying 20 to suck, 40 to fuck. In the big scheme of things this white guy didn't look terrible, and he didn't look that weathered. It seemed like he was trying to pretend to be straight, and he also said he had friends who were down for some group action.

I actually won't pay for sex... I would let a guy to pay me to suck my dick but that would only be if I knew the guy was clean. This guy kept telling me that I have such a good face that I should have sugar daddies, but I don't like that dynamic in a relationship and I can make my own money. It's strange how intrinsic having sex with people for money is to most people.

It was the desperation that really struck me. I would have loved to have sex with this guy because he was attractive, because when I declined he tried to massage me. Also, I knew crossing boundaries with this individual would put me at risk. I gave him $5 and told him a few times that he should spend it on food. He gave me a really tight hug. I saw the same guy later that night before I stepped into Badlands and he tried to hug me but I said I had to go.

It makes me sad how self destructive so many people in our community are.

Ironically later that night I saw this guy who I had sex with twice out... he was belligerently drunk and was kind of acting like a bitch. He said he wanted to go home and have sex with me but I was out with my friends, which made him upset and he said, "Fuck you, Darrin! You always do this to me!" He went to the dance floor and tried to hook up with other guys but they kept rejecting him.

I don't appreciate how complicated my relationships with other guys happen to be.

9/6/10

Darrin Goodness's tips for bottoming

I tell others that I am an oral top, and that's the truth... cause I'll suck your dick and eat you out, but then I want to fuck that ass after. I only bottom for boyfriends, or someone I'm close to because it takes a lot of trust to let someone go down there and get freaky.

But the real truth is that I am a true versatile. I rarely fuck, but I like to get fucked just as much as I love fucking. It seems as though people who are really into top and bottom roles most likely are suffering from internalized homophobia. I don't feel the same everyday, and don't really see how others could. Always 50/50 in relationships.

What people really fail to realize is that the all anal interludes we enjoy thru porn are totally not reality! A lot of time and effort goes into bottoming... unless you're older and been fucked by many guys over the course of many years, things like that don't just happen. Bottoms rule! It gets messy... put a towel down.

When I was young I just automatically assumed I would hate being fucked and it would never feel good, and for many years that was the case. I was always blown away by some guys ability to really take it hard, and in every position, nobody from my generation can claim that porn did not have a significant impact to the way they view sex and sexuality. However, as I've gotten older and more time passes, I've found that getting fucked right by a good dick can be amazing and make me cum really hard!

rule number 0- safe sex is not something that's up for debate! Be safe and live long enough to find the right one. I have never let a man fuck me raw even once in my entire life even though I have been in multiple long term relationships. Long story short, guys were dirty and picking things up here and there. Your sexual health is not something to take lightly! Sex can kill and it's been so since I was born. Obviously, if you and you man are in it for the long haul, and you are absolutely sure that you and he are not messing around with other people you may choose to have raw sex.

1. Practice makes perfect! In order to be able to accommodate a penis inside your asshole one must get a toy to learn how to be able to relax and what to feel. I personally think the only dildos that one can work with are the really soft and squishy jelly ones... the only thing that sucks is you probably still have to put a condom on it. Better yet let your partner loosen you up. Thrusting is not really an aspect of loosening up. If you're laying on your back, always make sure it goes in and then up towards your crotch- that's the proper way to hit the prostate. It helps a lot if you clean yourself out back there. Don't mess with the ass if you're having digestive issues that day.

2. If you want to fuck an ass you better be ready to eat it out first! If you have a full beard be careful cause the skin back there can get broken easily. Younger guys can get rimmed for longer periods of time... it feels better to them because they still have more sensation overall back there. Older guys just want their ass licked for a minute or two and then they want the dick.

3. Nobody knows why, but everyone assumes that bottoms like fingering. I've never really met one who has sung the the praises of it but it can feel good if the guy knows how to do it right. Make sure your fingernails are cut the fuck back and hang nails are not present! If a guy knows how to stimulate your prostate you can cum really hard from fingering- really fat fingers can feel good if you go in then pull up and keep stimulating the boy g spot. Spit can work but it doesn't hold up.

4. Use a lot of lube and make sure some of get some inside the hole. Even if the guy is uncut, an anus is not able to lubricate on its own, so you need some help in that department. In all honesty numbing cream can be your friend, although some people think it can be dangerous cause you don't realize if things are getting torn up or not.

5. The only way to get a dick inside me is for me to sit on it. I don't know about y'all, but after I can get a little more relaxed then we can change positions, but if the dick comes out, then I have to sit on it again. There's 2 sphincters- the internal and the external... the external is easier to learn to relax, it's the internal muscle that is always clenched up. When I fuck a guy I don't thrust too much, cause I know it doesn't feel good. The best way to fuck is to just go deep, and then pull up. If you really get all the way in and then gently and really slowly move your dick up and around inside it will stimulate the prostate and not just push and pull on the skin lining the entrance to the asshole, which burns and gets irritated. That way, the base of your cock is putting all the pressure on your bottom's prostate and that feels a lot better than just getting fucked.

6. Bigger really is better, especially when we're talking about girth. In my experiences, smaller dicks poke around the walls on the inside, so things aren't really hitting right. Really big dicks just kind of fill everything up from the inside, and I suppose put more pressure on the prostate, so it feels better overall.

7. Bottoms rule! If you're allowing a man to put his penis inside you, that means all of a sudden you are in charge that cock. If he is thrusting too much, or it's not feeling good take control! It's up to you to communicate to him whether or not he's making you feel good, and a good top makes sure his bottom cums hard with a dick in the ass. That's how one becomes a good fuck.

8. Drugs and alcohol should be avoided during sex, if you need a substance to be able to perform that means you have a sexual dysfunction which is unhealthy and more importantly you can end up damaging tissue.

I personally like kissing, jerking, and sucking the best. I like to be playful and innocent with guys, but everyone likes something different. If you find someone you like and want to do everything with that person, make sure communication is open and honest. Getting fucked is supposed to feel good, not be a daunting task from which nobody receives pleasure...

8/22/10

The Prince and The Pauper: Class Jumping and Gay Relationships

I'll admit to it, I'm ghetto. Growing up, food wasn't always something guaranteed. If that doesn't fit your definition of "ghetto" I don't know what does. Money is still an idea so intrinsic to being that we often don't take a step back to evaluate its role. It's not possible to survive without money in the complicated, modern world.

In spite of these valleys, I have at times lived vastly better than the aforementioned marginality. My life has been marked by monetary highs and lows so extreme I would have never expected in my wildest dreams to experience either side of the spectrum. I can only speak on what I've experienced, and I hope to document some valuable aspect to life with which people in similar situations can identify.

Would you second guess breathing? When something is so integral to life, it becomes almost biological, and hence somewhat less visible and communicable... at this point in time money is the last remaining division between people. My experiences glancing into different social classes, or class jumping, as I like to call it, have demonstrated that the largest differences in queer relationships are related to social class. In a way, these differences are more common in queer relationships, perhaps due to the dating pool being "somewhat more limited" than the dating pool for a straight counterparts.

In gay relationships nobody plays the man and the woman, so the role of breadwinner is blurred and often non-existent... although role playing remains a large aspect of gay relationships, the fact remains that it's still so removed from the mainstream, and values are more up for interpretation.

The Prince

With the prince, I was taken into a world of wealth and luxury of which I could have only dreamed.

When the time came for one of us to steal something, I was the one expected to do it. If it was time to hustle drugs it was my job.

He was clean in the sense that all of his stds were not a serious health risk to me, so doing sexual things with him was less risky. I'm sure he went to the doctor a lot growing up, and had nice teeth that had likely been maintained by a dentist twice a year.

Overall, in spite of being bipolar and for the most part, completely out of control, he still held a certain optimism about the future.

Because he'd never lived in the real world, he was able to deal with problems by not dealing with them at all, essentially leaving other people to deal with any sort of opposition.

I began to see that overall, he was satisfied with nothing, because with limitless resources, there was absolutely no pressure for success. All the passion was lost cause the material world existed only for him.

The Pauper

In many people, I find naivete somewhat charming, and in this case it came from never being anywhere truly posh.

When it came to money, this one in fact stole hundreds of dollars from me... not like it matters, but it does say something to the character of the person.

When one has never known the "brighter side of life" it's a lot harder to think positively about what lies ahead. In addition to being bipolar, and for the most part completely out of control, he also held a certain pessimism about the future.

When it comes to physicality and health, he was dirtier, carried no dental nor health insurance, and had more serious stds that made sexual contact with him more risky.

The pauper was not really too good at dealing with problems, such as ever increasing, inescapable debt. I began to see that overall, he was satisfied with nothing, cause he's never known better, and probably didn't think the world had too much to offer.

What I'm trying to assert is that an unbalanced relationship is doomed to failure. While dating the Prince, I was living off several hundred dollars a month, and although the Prince had several hundred in cash to spend each month, any expense was taken care of by the dad, so his buying power was essentially limitless. Obviously, the opposite was true with the Pauper, and if I take into account his debt, I was probably doing better than him in ways. Jealousy finds its way into relationships when there's no equality. If you want it to work, then you have to be in the same place as the other person. If you're lucky enough to come up, then you have to do it together.

This is the last I can ever speak on poverty. If I'm going to escape it, I dare not even speak its name.

8/13/10

real life drama

Sometimes in life, situations and relationships become more complicated, and the integrity of one's character is called into question. Often, I have seen people close to me stumble and fall so badly and so frequently, that it makes me wonder if anyone I choose to love will start to suffer soon after...

In the past several years several people close to me have been diagnosed positive. Obviously, the state of the pandemic is not as it once was... but the most recent bomb that a friend dropped on my hit too close to home. I cried all day on 8/5/10... when I should have been crying tears of joy for prop 8's unconstitutionality. 8/4/10 has always been a significant day for me... and this year it was the highest of highs followed by the lowest of lows. That day I felt as though anything was possible and all my dreams were going to come true.

So this time it's personal. I've known my whole life that this moment now would come to pass and I've always known that I'm the one who has to choose. I make myself personally responsible for every person I come into contact with. If I choose to love someone, I will do everything in my power to help.

I've already experienced loss on a rather fundamental level, and I don't have it in me to go through it again. I can't be happy living on forever alone, I need those I love to stay with me. I was never afraid of being alone until I was and I found out I can't share the joy of life just being by myself.

People close to me try to tell me that I'm being histrionic, and making this drama all about me and that's not true. I don't hold anything back, and although I'm not a crier I really could not hold back my grieving. I cried all over the city. I cried more after that, although now I feel better, and more able to move forward. This has been a huge wake up call for me. Denial is the only coping mechanism that I have been able to make work for me so far in life, and dealing with all of these feelings has been difficult for me.

Obviously, in a situation like this, there is nobody to blame. I got mad at my friend first for not telling me, then I got mad for his bad choices, then I got mad for him not loving himself more... but I would never participate in an intervention. Ganging up on someone is totally unacceptable, and moreover who the fuck am I to say anything about things of this nature?

I know a lot about health. I want to live a long time. In fact, I fantasize about being a huge burden on everyone for decades. I want everyone to be totally over my shit, and then I go on living for 30 more years after that. The way I feel about him has not changed at all, but the nature of our relationship has to change if he's going to survive and thrive. I love him. It's my job to share all my information about the various aspects of health. I want all his dreams to come true.

Be safe, and live long enough to find the right one!