true story

I know I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I must not be that creative if I can't write something short and interesting everyday. But last night a blog idea popped into my head. I tried again and again to make myself wake up to write down the idea, but it was late, and I was tired, so I guess I just passed out. I tried to remember today what it was I wanted to write about, and I didn't remember until an hour or two ago.

So anyways, here's a juicy sex story from my own life, and it's 100% true. I guess I should start first with a small confession: I have always wanted to fuck myself. I've told just about all my friends this, some of them understand and express similar feelings, but some are clueless, and have no idea what I'm saying. Even straight people have admitted to me that they too want to fuck themselves. I want another one of me, to have sex with. It comes from a good place- I love myself and I have high self esteem. I know I'm sexy because everyone tells me, so I feel sexy. I know what I am, I know I'm hot, and I'm not afraid to admit to narcissism, although compulsive narcissism is not where my desire comes from- it seems like a feeling of familiarity, fraternity, and intimacy- it's what I find appealing about fucking myself. I know what I want. I know what I need, and until humans can communicate psychically it seems like that's the story for everybody.

When I was a pre-teen, I was always overly conscious about my status as a novelty. The Internet quickly taught me what I needed to know about sex, although what I was really looking for was never available to view. I guess I started going on gay porn websites as soon as I could as soon as my family bought the original teal imac- I remember the first gay porn website I ever went on was hotnudemen.com- I saw it in an advertisement in the back of Rolling Stone Magazine. Because I was very underage at the time, I immediately wanted to know about the sex lives of people who were around my age, obviously because it was what was relevant to me at the time. So, I did my best to find out all I could about child pornography. Perhaps it's from being molested by my father as a child that I wasn't totally conscious that what I was doing was "wrong" and perhaps the only real disturbing part of the story is how easy it was to find images of naked preteen boys- I remember the first one I went on was out of Amsterdam, which featured orgies starring preteen boys- in all honesty the sexual expression seemed a lot more real that all the other porn I was absorbing starring grown men. It's strange yet interesting about how the sexualization of children ends up affecting them long term- it either makes them really willing to become sex workers -or- makes them totally afraid of sex and inhibited- it ranges from one extreme to the other.

But I'm not a voyeur, I'm an exhibitionist. I wanted to know more about these boys, and the kind of people they were, since all the images seemed consensual, real, and pleasurable for the people involved? I wanted to be like these people, who I was masturbating to, more importantly, I understood I could use my statues as a novelty to perhaps make large sums of money. I discovered really quickly, through the Internet, that child pornography makes a lot of money- a lot of money means thousands of dollars for just one picture. At the time in the mid 90s, I discovered that single images could demand $3,000.00 - $5,000.00 - all for just a single image! I also had read that the majority of the images were trafficked from pedophiles to other pedophiles, which was the only real way to avoid the inconvenience of legislation. That kind of money was unknown to me at the time (omg, it still is, I guess I'm still ghetto 10+ years later). So, I immediately hatched a scheme of making videos of myself masturbating, and putting it all over the Internet. At the time, the most appealing aspect wasn't the large amount of money I could make doing such things, but the thought that people from all over the world would be looking at me- desiring me, and wanting what I have. From a very young age I knew love could never be real, but I guess that's what I thought I could get if I tried.

But since I've lived my whole life in a capitalist country, I became obsessed with using my own imagery to get money. I knew I had something so good that it was illegal, but I figured since it would be me doing the exploitation, I couldn't get in trouble with the law if I ever got caught. I also figured that since I didn't plan on letting a man molest em on camera, and as long as I was the only person doing the "exploitation" my scheme would be fool proof. I knew that kind of a thing had never really been done before, aside from Tracy Lords, the porn star who was later discovered to have made a large amount of sex videos while underage. I knew that to get media attention, one had to do something really controversial, and/or something that had never been done before. I quickly got visions of the proceeding newspaper headlines- underage gay porn star films self, which law will intervene? I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. I felt like I had the asset of curiosity on my side, I knew if I could put the videos in the right place that many people who were not pedophiles would still watch the videos- just out of curiosity. It's crazy to think of the breadth of extremity when it comes to videos one can find on the Internet- snuff films, torture, animal sex, shit piss and vomit, car crashes, extreme and random acts of violence, fisting videos where the whole arm goes up somebody's asshole. I've seen it all, and although I will always be a staunch supporter of free speech, I am left to wonder how such things will affect children who are exposed at a young age. Just look at how I turned out. jk

My chance to make a video came when my parents rented a video camera in order to record a play my little brother put on at his elementary school. I grew up living in a poor and abusive white trash house hold. I never understood why I had to be ghetto, while all my peer group lived so much better than me. As a result, I always felt inadequate and ashamed, while it's really my parents who should have been ashamed for failing so much and on so many levels. As soon as I saw the rented camera, all I could think about was the first time I would be alone in the house and I could use it to record myself masturbating. I must have been 14 or 15 years old. My family still lived in Pleasant Hill at the time, and my little brother went to Pleasant Hill Elementary. My little brother Chris, always having been dramatic with a flair for getting other people's attention, was cast in a school production about colors in a crayon box. He was playing Red Hot Romeo. In short, my parents thought it was special enough to rent a video camera to catch it all on tape. It was one of the ghettoest video cameras I'd ever seen- even for the time I could tell it was outdated, inefficient, and bulky. It was the kind that recorded directly onto a blank VHS, so you could pop it right into the VCR right after filming. But at the time, I was totally excited and could not wait to use it.

The next day as soon as I could I set up the camera in the living room. I try to recall what the room looked like at the time- I think I was sitting on the floor in front a futon with a blue slip cover, on top of a brown carpeted floor. I put the camera on the floor between my thighs, so the footage was of basically my dick, balls, and inner thighs. The first time I took a video, it was late afternoon. I got out my body lotion (the only product I used to masturbate from about the ages of 13 to 18), and basically jerked off for a while into the camera lens, I knew I masturbated for at least 10 minutes. My dick got hard right away, cause I knew this erection was important, because this time, it was totally for me, I eventually came, my loads have always been really thick and white. I have the kid of jizz that is so thick, it leaves permanent stains on fabrics. I made sure to "make it hot" by tugging on my balls, and fingering my ass. My jizz leaked out onto my underage thighs, and I sighed as I achieved a new level of success with respect to being able to do sex work, I had officially become an amateur porn star; I felt great, I had never before been so confident with my body and sexuality.

By most standards, the background was by all means white trash, by no means sexy, aside from the fact that I was obviously underage at the time there was nothing "marketable" about what was going on, but I was totally convinced that everyone would want to watch it. I remember I didn't really trim my bush in the way I should have- I was young, and confused about what is and is not sexy. As soon as I had shot a few minutes of footage, I immediately stuck the VHS into the the VCR to see what it looked like. In some ways I was grossed out just to see that my body was not as perfect as I thought, in a way it was a good wake up call as to what to do to make myself more attractive. Still, I've always been hot enough to get people off, and I got so turned on that right after, I busted a nut from watching myself jerk it, making me the ultimate voyeur and exhibitionist. It was hot outside, and I wasn't sweaty, but you could tell from looking at my skin that it was warm spring or summer day.

When I first started masturbating and ejaculating, after about a year I started putting things in my butt, mostly in order to prepare for the time when a man would want to fuck me. I got creative- brush handles and raven's revenge containers made an appearance up my butt in addition to the predictable things like fingers and toothbrushes. Do you know those Mexican Popsicles that come in plastic tubes that look a lot like dildos? They were basically like a squeeze it shaped like a torpedo. If you just use them unfrozen, they're basically totally analogous to a dildo- the same thing as what you would buy in any sex toy store, only slightly not as comfortable to use (I tend to prefer the soft squishy plastic, the only thing I don't appreciate is the chemical smell, and the fact that you usually have to put a condom on it). So, if you're ever in a pinch and left without a dildo, all you have to do is spend a few bucks and pick up a box of the Mexican Popsicles to stick in whichever hole is the most relevant.

Why am I typing about Mexican Popsicles when I'm really trying to tell a story about child porn? The first video I took didn't feature any insertions, so later that night, or the next day, I can't be sure, I took the camera in my room to make another video. I seem to recall that I either held off a long time on ejaculating, or I had jerked off too much and began to shoot blanks, but the second time I did it it lasted longer. I laid down on my water bed, and put the camera between my legs again, only this time, since I wasn't sitting up up, you could see up my torso, and even my face- I guess it was at that moment just how expressionless my face really is. No wonder I still don't have any wrinkles. This time, I got out the Vaseline, and put some on a red plastic Popsicle up my shit box. I raised my hips to be sure that the penetration would be caught on camera (although when I went back to watch it, it didn't really cum out clearly). Anyways, I got a lot of good footage of me really waxing it hard and fast, I'm circumcised, and as a result my penis really isn't that sensitive. I have to jerk it hard to make myself blow it.

After I shot the second video, I went back to watch it and turned the volume up- in my own life and as well as when watching porn, I've always been turned on by the sound of jerking off. I was surprised to find that throughout the whole second video, there were the sounds in the background of Loveline on the radio, I basically got most of my sexuality education from Dr. Drew. Sometimes, you could even notice me getting too into the broadcast, and my hand would slow down, or I'd appear to be more distracted than normal- I could see now that that could be mislead, and a viewer could think I was jerking to the program itself- nothing could be farther from the truth, I was just multitasking and trying to do 2 things at once.

A few days later, I realized that I had taped over my little brother's performance, so I covered up all that hard work with videos of me jacking off. I put the tape under my bed, and ended up destroying it with a hammer a few years later, during a random manic episode. I wish I still had it now, it could have earned me some money.