narcissistic infatuation

I've always said the best part about being gay is that I am able to be the thing that I desire. I'm gay, so what I see in other men I also see (or want to see) in myself. Obviously, masculine beauty is what I seek for myself as well as in a significant other. When I was a little boy I found myself attracted to other boys but without the sexual desire that encompasses adult attraction.

Because I was young in the 90s in the suburbs, people were a lot less open. I am part of the last generation to not see myself represented in culture and media, so the realization about the way I feel in some senses was very organic. As a child my first feelings for other males were mostly surrounded by jealousy, or wishing to be like them. When I perceived a boy as attractive, I wanted his attention because it made me feel like I was an analogue of that beauty. Attractive males are more special and more relevant than the rest of the population and I want to possess that power for myself.

As I grew up I started to understand my feelings and the way I felt about other guys really confused me. Even now, when I find myself attracted to somebody I process my feelings and thoughts & I find the reason I'm attracted is because I want to be him. I often don't like guys because I desire them, I like them because I wish I had the traits that I desire. Either there is something unique about the way he looks or his energy and I want to have that for myself. I don't think of myself as unattractive and neither does anybody else, but I accept that love comes with a lot of jealous feelings in gay relationships.

It's for all of these reasons that I often tell people, when someone says I love you, what they really mean is I love the way you make me feel about myself, because that is the real truth to the situation. I often find gay men telling me that they're looking for someone just like them, or someone just like them who is slightly different. I don't really think narcissism would be the right term for this social trend, so much as seeing things in other people that you also see or want in yourself.

I often worry that my view on love and relationships is unhealthy and unrealistic, because I am sexual abuse survivor. I received too much sexualization too early in life, and paid the price for many years dealing with attachment disorders that really made my interpersonal relationships a living nightmare when they could have been balanced and harmonious. Growing up my mom told me that you can only have sex if you're in love, and the truth is I'm really trying to overcome these issues now so much later in life. I wish she'd told me something more realistic, such as you can have safe sex with anybody you want- I think that would have prepared me a lot better for the world and the people in it.