mottos

hostility is the opposite of accommodating
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As a child, I always wanted to write a book called: Everything You Need to Know About Life You Learned From Darrin Goodness. I thought about it so much, and envisioned it. Now I realized I've already done that through this very medium- dgoodness.blogspot.com!

It really doesn't look like what you think it would, but it always happens :D

drugs

We're all about a responsible drug policy. Every time I do a drug, I write it down, so I can remember all the details. I haven't done that with weed, but I really don't consider weed a drug, considering it's 6,000 times safer than Aspirin.

Typing about drugs on dgoodness.blogspot.com got me to thinking about the book Molecules of Emotion that I read in 2001. It was a partial biography of Candace Pert who discovered the opiate receptor in the brain, subsequently proving a longstanding and evolutionarily "advantageous" connection/relationship that human beings have with drugs. In short- the reason why we get fucked up when we take drugs is because there are specific receptors for it in our brains- basically, our species has been drugged out this whole time (our 2 species have a historic symbiosis so strong, we have evolved in response to these substances). She wrote about mind body medicine- it's very inspiring to us!

The war on drugs is a joke. It's created an industry on both sides, and now too many people depend on that money. This means- deaths and overdoses are commonplace.

disease

"A controversial new theory suggest that man introduced many diseases into the ecosystem..."

I think about that a lot, how humans wiped out many mammals with diseases. I also think about the following a lot:
-environmental pollution
-genetic pollution

matrix 3

weird things I noticed:

Neo = one
"2 ships, 2 different directions"
Trinity

Choice/Good/Equation/Truth/Love/Peace- obvious juxtapositions of terms sending message?
new dichotomy of machine assimilating man
Oracle = software?
Digital Consciousness
"Singularity gone wrong"
Zion(ism)?


I just think the matrix is interesting (and perhaps deep), that's all I'm saying. One of the brothers is a tranny now! The first movie they made was BOUND, one of my favorite movies of all time.

3

Subject tool
Posted Date: November 24, 2007 - Saturday - 02:46
can any1 here explain to me why 99.999999999 % of the united states is made up of TOOLS who contribute NOTHING to the world and only USE and EXPLOIT RESOURCES?

I think we should start putting them to death! Ppl get killed every day and nobody knows how it happened...



holidaze

The biggest shopping weekend of the year is over? I live downtown, I haven't even been able to walk the streets the entire weekend! The holidaze really brings ppl out of the wood work, intense!

Cookie called me today and left me a funny message! I love random messages that bring a smile 2 one's face on a nondescript day. I think I forgot to tell Cookie that I really respect her and that I treat everything she tells me as something divine. Native Americans worship trannies as gods, and as far as gods go, trannies seem like a good choice to me.

The last time I was talking to her I was talking about how she could get a free SRS if she was a government employee. I was like, you should just go to city college and get a certificate or whatever for library science, and work downtown! I was like, the world has done nothing but fuck you over every way possible, might as well abuse a system that never should have existed in the first place! I'm all about Cookie's style, I think she has a fierce eye, and can mix it up like no otha! U go girl! I recently met another trannie named Danielle who lives in the tl, I like her too! She's very artistic, she has drawn a lot of self portraits. She told me she thinks I'm an angel, I thought that was cool. I was talking about SRS and whatnot. It's weird, all you have to do to get them to open up is to talk to them about things they care about :)

power

If I ever rose to any sort of power, as a world leader or whatever, I would get rid of money, but every1 would have to work for free. I would outlaw a military, and put money into scientific research. I'd fund museums. I'd make it so there were robots to do blue collar jobs, so all the humans could do something more interesting with their time.


Subject every war ever fought was over nothing
Posted Date: November 23, 2007 - Friday - 15:42
ok my rant for the day- the united states is still killing HELLA ppl (on both sides) AND exterminating gay people at an alarming rate.

Don't feed me bullshit that soldiers "did it for the money." Even though I have a genius level IQ, it's a FACT that MONEY is EASY to ACQUIRE.

I hope everyone who is fighting for the "united states" gets blown the fuck up tonight, because it's a fact that they DESERVE 2 DIE!!!

Too bad most of them are black anyways fighting for "str8" white men who enslaved them not too long ago.

For example- tonight on mtv a commercial played that was TRYING to get BLACK MEN to inlist in the army. Right after, a anti-war peace commercial aired. What kind of a world are we living in.

Subject bitchiness PAY$ off a.k.a. $1,421.41
Posted Date: November 23, 2007 - Friday - 12:59
SO,

Another example of my "out of control" cuntness was when me and west moved out of our old GHETTO DUMP of an apt. I was a HUGE bitch to the property manager. To make a long story short, our deposit was $1300.00 and we were supposed to get WAY LESS back, but thanks to my dramatics, we got a check for $1,421.41!!!! MORE than we were supposed to- I love how I can get whatever I want if I just don't lie on my back and allow ppl to fuck me in the ass dry!

Who says it doesn't pay to be a bitch? CUZ IT DOES

omg I just remembered they were supposed to charge us for 8 days of rent and they didn't!

p.s. FUCK TRINITY MANAGEMENT "SERVICES"

here's a link, TELL EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER MET
http://www.trinitymanagement.com/


11:33 p.m. edit- all that "emotion" invested ended up paying off with 60 bucks, since we split the sec. dep. and in my opinion IT WAS SO WORTH IT.

long night

I can't sleep. It happens from time to time. I hope ppl don't think I'm on uppers. I wouldn't waste my time on that shit. I'm naturally energetic because I'm a kinetic learner. Basically, I learn by moving my body, and I know that's why I like to dance. I don't have ADD, but I do like to multi-task with a vengeance.

I also like to dance because I'm a hard femme, and hard femmes LOVE 2 dance. Hard femmes will cry in front of you, but they still "try" to "bring home the bacon." A lot of people read being a hard femme as having an inferiority complex, or "trying too hard to live up to gender normative "rules"." However, not many people can understand a hard femme because they're rare to find. Hard femmes don't necessarily mean a top, because In my eyes, you have to be versatile to be a "hard femme." Hard femmes are addicted to power, any power they can possible achieve. Don't let that bitch know yr secrets, that's a stupid mistake to make. I only trust fellow hard femmes. jk ;)

$oloterre is a hard femme, that mom of hers is the original hard femme. Dee Dee Russell is a hard ass femme. Ray, MANI, Aura, Dinaz Kardooni, Pyle, Matches, Trinket, and Taquila are all hard femmes in my eyes. Who knows what they really happen to be. West is a "soft femme" lol. Maybe I can get him to be a soft butch, like I've always wanted. I think I'd call Erwin a "secret butch" who "uses being a hard femme as a tool against other men." Only Erwin can say for sure, I don't fukkin know.

Umm, celebrity hard femmes? Tyra, Madonna, Oprah, Lucy Lawless, Amy and David Sedaris, Paris Hilton, Margaret Cho, Jenna Jameson, Rupaul, Cher, drag queens, Anna Nicole Smith, Buffy, Aeon Flux, Dee Dee Russell, Rosie O'Donnell, a lot of the guys on Logo, Usher, 50 Cent, most male athletes, Dolly Parton... do you want me to continue?

There's so many other things with which I could label people. Kevin Kessler happens to be butch, strangely enough, although he's violent against trans people. Sean Cassidy is a femme bottom, if I had to call him something. I think I'm just going to call him a femme, for arguments sake, cause he likes it when "people have power over me. It's sexy, I like authority." Maybe he's a stone femme bottom? lol

Once in a while there really are butch tops and femme bottoms, but I've noticed it's not always the case. Every lesbian I know loves to tell me " What Darrin? You never heard? Femme top, butch bottom. Duh!" I know they are talking about themselves in those situations, but I'm noticing a trend, I guess that's all. People are talking more and more about gender vs. biological sex, and people are realizing more and more that gender is a joke, and it's the reason why "straight guys" like philip morganelli and kevin kessler are fucked up, violent, and can't speak about their emotions, hence even more fucked up. That applies especially to white "straight" men, who all happen to be gay inside, girl. Get them alone, and promise to not tell anybody and they are ALL TO EAGER TO PLEASE. Loves it. This trend of speaking about gender is especially changing people's ideas of what it is to be "queer."

I tried to be gender queer. I couldn't do it? I guess Levi is gender queer, in some aspects, but only because a "hard femme" happens to be "gender queer". I bet there will be a new term for it before you know what hit you. He and I tried to figure out Kyle. We decided on "Kyle is a Sphynx." I think he's like Quentin Crisp, which is AMAZING, but only he can tell you. Nobody knows.

Anyways, I had a lot of fun today! I saw a bunch of ppl I like. I thought about walking to Angela's house because I was so fukkin close, but I didn't. I walked through the park alone at night through the tree parts. I love doing that.

Sometimes, you stumble on camps, you see first hand that there's got to be around 100 people who sleep in golden gate park all kinds, every single night. I've even made friends with them (more than 3). They have different groups and different names, it's really interesting. I find them to be like small egalitarian societies, who only fight other small, egalitarian societies. In that aspect, they mirror the American Indian tribes. They were all small egalitarian societies, who only fight other small, egalitarian societies, until they all got killed by white people's GUNS and SUPERABUNDANCE of diseases. Now if you're Native American, you network with other Native Americans. p.s. I'm worshiped as a god. I'm called a "2 Spirit." It means they have to listen to what I tell them to do, because I'm "rare to find" and hence, a "treasure."

Austin Mantele used to talk about his odd fixation with groups such as this, subsequently expressing his desire to go join one. An example was gypsies who live in catacombs. I thought that a weird thing to want, and only somebody who has done one too many drugs one too many times would think some bullshit like that.

Speaking of people who tried really hard to be a hard femme, Austin Mantele (or the heir to the Wizard of Oz throne as I like to call him) tried and failed miserably. He's not the Corky, he's the Violet, and he can't be the Corky because of what he is and that at which he is good. If anything, I would call him a "soft butch (bottom)" to be quite honest, I'm not too sure how to define that shit. It's anyone's guess what he does on his own time, and just with whom he does it. He's all about little schemes just like me, and guess what? He IS sketchy enough to get whatever he wants (which mimics a hard femme) but still has the low self esteem of a "soft butch." lol

I always find it interesting that people who get whatever they want don't seem to get what they "really need."

fake it till u make it!

FAKE IT TILL U MAKE IT
FAKE IT TILL U MAKE IT
FAKE IT TILL U MAKE IT


I maxed out my cc card again. OOPS. And I spent all my CA$H, which means I'm broke. It's temporary, but still.


NEWAYZ,

Today I got a massage. Amazing. Loved it. I went out to lunch. Loved it. This bitch ain't give a shit.

I hung out with Parisa yesterday it was fun! I know I can trust her. Ariel came over and we talked about objectifying men through art, it made me laugh.

West is brushing his teeth right now. I love Mr. Wonderful.

I need to be vegan again. I stopped out of vanity, and that was stupid. I know what's right and wrong, and I chose the wrong thing to do. I'm human.

Even angels make the same mistakes. I was listening to Superpitcher today. Loves it.

The 3 girls closest to me- Dinaz, Solitaire, and Hilary. I have much respect all the girls in my "top friends."

I need to network for Taquila. I want to make her rich. Taquila Taquila Taquila Taquila Taquila Taquila Taquila Taquila Taquila

worry

I worry incessantly, about the stupidest things, sometimes too. It all started as a child, when I would go crazy whenever my mom left me, and always felt like she had died, and I was never going to see her again. For the most part, she was the only basis for secure attachment I had, so I can only assume that's the reason I worried about her so much. Being left alone with my father was the scariest thing, even now he is the only person who can stop me dead in my tracks with fear. I guess that's what he wants- everyone to be afraid of him. Sometimes, I find myself doing these same things, and becoming the person I've tried so hard not to be (in reality I know I am filling this self-for filling prophecy and do struggle hard to steer away from it.) Today at 22, even having to talk to him again turn me into a small child, in effect my body language says everything. I always consciously think that that I am so obvious, it's so easy to control me, and that it comes out really intensely with my body language. Even know, I know that my mom is the only one who really will love me forever. In addition, I had such bad anxiety as a child I developed some pretty strange OCDs.

My first one was licking my lips! How stupid of an OCD is that. It just felt so good, I couldn't stop. My lips would get so chapped, as well as the skin around it from being licked hella. People would call me Ronald McDonald, which made me self conscious enough to stop. Maybe it's at that point in my life that I started to realize that the way I looked mattered a lot, at least to everyone except for myself.

I also got addicted to shoving things under my fingernails. I would sit there and work on it for hours. Sometimes, my thumb would become at least 50% detached from the nail, I have NO IDEA just how I never got an infection anywhere.

When I lived in Pleasant Hill I developed the WORST cleaning OCDs. I can't even go into it, there's so much to say. Let's leave it at the fact that I would vacuum the carpet every day so it all went the same way, and them climb on furniture the WHOLE night so as to not fuck it up, whereupon I would go to sleep in a WATER BED (SO BAD FOR CHILDREN'S BACKS) and not let the comforter come untucked, attempting to sleep in this super constricting fashion nightly.

Some OCDs have conveniently followed me into adult hood. If I'm playing with my hair them I have anxiety. I have a ridiculous oral fixation that I can't get rid of (I bet that's why I smoke so much weed).

I'm trying so hard to let go, and I'm having the realization as I'm typing this that I think, like my father, I need to be on medication AS TERRIBLE AS THAT IS, because I know those drugs will poison me and kill me, only to support another fascist capitalist endeavor. Money is so fucking intrinsic to our values and lives that we don't even realize it, THANK GOD I am getting more and more self aware as I age.
---------

NE wayz,

Here's a list of some of the random things I always think about. Maybe it's entertaining.

How can people keep doing hard drugs every day for such large periods of time? Don't coke heads get headaches on a daily basis? It just seems so taxing on one's health. Looking at pictures of people I know from just 1 year ago scare me sometimes.

I always wonder and try to guess exact numbers of things. For example, the grains of sand on the beach, or the amount of times I do things.

That's a big one. I can choose to do some things only once, conversely, I can decide to do them a seemingly infinite amount of times as well. Some things, such as eating and shitting, I have no choice but to do many times. I can smoke 1 cigarette, or I can smoke a million. I also think about the people and the amount of times I do things with them. I can coke a bitch out just one (jk) but who knows whether the person will go on to never do it again, or do it a lot. Or maybe a few times only. It's fun to think about it. At the end of my life. I want to have only watched TV not that many times. I can go to 1 drag performance, or I can do as many as I can muster until my body gives out.

I like to think about how much me as well as other people damage the world but "just living our lives." I may think I'm a person who's "been through a lot," and I'm "working really hard to be a young professional" but in reality I waste vast amounts of water, energy, etc. and I'm sure all my clothes were made in a sweatshop. My comfortable life is only at the expense of an unknown amount of people who are hurt by it.

spying

My living room window is perfect for spying on people. Tonight, I set my sights on a dinner party across the street. It was made up of about 8-10 white/25-35/profess-y people who were hanging out together and drinking. I can see their interactions to such minute detail. The women all on one side, desperate and smiling. The men on the other side of the room sitting on chairs in a half circle, hooting and showing off, trying to get attention. It disgusts me. I pray I will never know that world. I saw them taking pictures. How different pictures can be, depending on who took them, and under what circumstances they were taken.

The moon is full tonight, and it's very bright and intense. It seems like there's a large white ring around it. I'm going to go smoke a bowl on the roof and look at it more.

---edit 1/9/08

This is back when I lived on 8th/Geary at
457 8th Avenue Apt #6
SF, CA 94118

666

I hate god and jesus. The worst thing you could do for the world is give money to the christian church. I just realized that. I'm really happy I never have and never will.

My addictive personality

Throughout my life, I have seen myself go through numerous and diverse addictions. I guess it all started as a kid. I found myself trying to sit in front of the tv any spare chance I could. for me, it was a way to escape my shitty life. I wanted to be in that other world as much as a could, anything I could do to escape reality. TV has most likely been my longest lasting addiction, it still haunts me to this day.

As a child I also had several ocds. As a very small child, I licked my lips constantly, and as a result they were always chapped and bloody. I also got really into cleaning. Everything mostly. I would vacuum the carpet so it all went the same way, and then climb on furniture in and out of my room. I also washed my hands neurotically. I was a really good kid, and in a way I suppose I also got addicted to studying. I wanted to be a good student.

I became addicted to food for several years, mostly as a result of the poor diet I was fed by my family. I became overweight, but at the time nothing could stop my desire to eat. It just made me feel so good.

When I finally did become addicted to physical activity I was much older. I did it as much as I could and as hard as I could. I really like to push myself.

When I discovered the internet, I was over running. I don't know how many times I spent 8+ hours online a day. I wanted the internet to be real so bad. I'm not lucky to say I think I might have beaten it.

For a brief time I got really into clothes, and I suppose a lot of my life I have really cared way too much about the way I look, especially my clothes. I hope I can someday not think anything of it.

Knowing full well my own addictive tendencies, as well as those problems in my family, I tried to stay away from drugs as long as I could; however, I inevitably succumbed. I started drinking heavily at 19, but quickly switched to cocaine, mostly because it made me feel so confident. My current boyfriend got me into marijuana, which has still stuck to me to this day. Again I find myself doing it obsessively, not knowing why I have to keep doing it.

I suppose in a way I became addicted to boyfriends. After my first one at 19, I decided I always needed to have one, even though I know I'm happier by myself. I have had large gaps between boyfriends, but I suppose that if I had control over it, I wouldn't have been single for long.

Your addiction is so obvious to me. But then again, what's my excuse?

always doesn't exist

love your friends. smile and laugh at anything you can. always tell people how much they mean to you, because it could be the last time you ever see them. forever doesn't exist. nothing will last forever. live in the moment and realize how transitory everything is.

because you never know when it could end. maybe it already has.