Aunt Lori

"I can't believe what you've been through. Loosing your both of your parents before 10 and the only man you ever loved. Also, the courage it's taken you to live your life. I really can't even imagine." She jokes so much, and is always a little drunk. I felt like she understood loss much more fundamentally that I ever could. She's a virgo. Mutable signs always catch me off guard, because I feel like they understand some things more than I ever can.

"I lived with another man for a while. A few years. But it didn't work. I can't be with anyone. That was much later in life though. God, it took me so long to get over him. He was in the military, an only child. I told you how he died, right?" I know she was referring to the man she lived with from about 20-22. I felt like the life she chose made love impossible.

"Yeah, crossing the street. That's terrible." I wished I could say something, anything and make it sound genuine. How can you alleviate something thats been sitting in somebody for a lifetime? You can't. It stays and festers forever.

"I have my album. It's all from my drinking days. I used to be a showgirl. Do you want to see some pictures?" She asked me with a sparkle. I know not that many people would want to hear her story. She grabbed her photo album from the corner of the room on the floor. I wondered how long it had been there.

"Yeah, I'd love to!" I reveled at the idea of seeing messy trannies. I love them. I started to look through it. I was amazed at the amount of 8x10s there were. All of the girls thought they were movie stars. They all had autographed photos for their friends, men, etc. A lot of them looked fierce. Lori probably looked the worst in most of them, mostly because she fully transitioned so late in life. I always think that it's taken her a lifetime and struggle just to be referred to as "she".

"So this is all the pictures from my family reunion. These are the first pictures after I didn't see my family for 17 years. I finally called my sister. She cried so much, she thought I was dead. I told her I was coming home for a week, and someone needed to pick me up from the airport. These are all my friends. This is back in my drinking days. She eventually got the surgery. Canadian. She was Canadian. They were nice people. Look at her. Here's my best friend. Mexican. Oh god, we laughed. She was so much fun. Such a good person. She died very young in a car crash."

"Oh trouble. She looks like a feisty Latina." I said jokingly. As I turned though the pages of yellowed photos, obviously from the 60's or 70's from the choice of hair, makeup, and outfits, I wondered what Lori's life was like back then. The years upon years of struggling just to be herself. Hustling and doing drugs. She had so fewer opportunities. I wonder if my life would have been very similar under those same circumstances. The trannies looked FIERCE! Black, white, Asian. All kinds. Some could pass effortlessly, I could tell.

"OOh this one has fake boobs!"

"Yeah, she got the surgery. She had the surgery too. She got married."

"It was just such a different time. I see how people tried a lot more to pass a women back them. Realness was the only option back then, due to societal gender constraints. I can't believe it. Look at this makeup. How did she get her hair so high? It's as big as her face, look!" I said laughing.

"Well, it's actually a hairpiece." She proceeded to tell me how they got that hair, but I was too wrapped up in these endless old photos. Their glossy matte finishes dated them so much. A lot looked like women, some didn't. I wondered how much they had to struggle in their lives. I was sure a lot of them were dead by now.

"Look at all the men you were carrying on with!"

"Yeah, that's at Aunt Charlie's. It has to be 20 years ago."

"Wow, I can't believe it! I've been there. You know Wes? He's has been an MC there."

"Well back in the 60's the gay scene was really fun. Trippin. Trippin. I used to shoot up. And then I became a call girl. I can't even guess how many men. 40 50 bucks There you go. I did so many drugs. The 60's were really crazy. It was so innocent."

"Yeah, guys are easy. You do what you got to. I feel you. I can't imagine how fun it must have been. I wish I could have lived it!"

I got so lucky that I didn't ever get that disease. You know what I mean." She hesitated, she couldn't figure it out. I could tell she was drunk.

"Hepatitis C?"

"No, I already have that. The other one that gay people keep getting. What is it?"

"HIV?"

"Yeah, I don't know how I escaped it. My sister always talks about marks on my face, and freaks out, telling me I have to go to the doctor. I got one on this cheek, but it went away. Then I got another one on the other side." She said laughing. "The doctor said it was ok."

"I get sunspots too, my skin is really sensitive. I get white spots and dark spots if I'm in the sun for too long."

"So, after I was a call girl I eventually was getting older, and I had to get a job."

"You really should write a book. I know you could tell some stories. Seriously, as a person of color on top of being trans? That's what will be studied in universities. You story deserves to be heard." She looked away with a disinterested look in her eyes.