les nouvelles

NASA looks to launch shuttle Endeavour in July

Report on Gene for Depression Is Now Faulted

It seems obvious that genetics have a lot more power over our emotions that we would care to realize... but I don't know how much of it comes into play in regards to depression... most likely more than we realize.

UPDATE 1-Molecular Insight shares jump on imaging agent data

les nouvelles

Upbeat music 'makes you think everyone is happy'

The findings suggest that listening to upbeat music can make your day more bearable - and create the illusion that you are surrounded by happy, contented people.

-> I guess this is why I only listen to techno music. Everything else just plain sucks dick!

Scientists come closer to swine flu vaccine as full genetic code of virus is unravelled

NASA braces for manned space review

Study: Bioelectricity bests biofuels on miles per acre

Cervarix Induces Stronger Immune Response Than Gardasil: Study

Buying Time for Gender-Confused Kids Misunderstood Procedure Delays Puberty in Children

Yeast Cells Are Set to Fly for Space Experiment

Previous experiments on the space shuttle and the International Space Station indicate that some organisms become hardier and more virulent in outer space and more resistant to drugs.

birthdays

My birthday is _____. I wish I could say I'm excited about it, but I'm not. My birthday makes me depressed, especially when I look back on my life and regret basically everything. I do have good memories, but moving to hollywood is my only dream left. Just like I have nothing to look forward to, I'm not proud of my past either. I've wasted so much of my life already, and it was the "best years of my life" to boot.

I don't really want to have a party unless it's a real party! I wish others could understand. My idea of a party is a fabulous event with so many people there, music, amazing food, drinks, fun, entertainment, etc. My idea of a real party is a fun, positive, celebratory event that everyone talks about for years to come. I can't celebrate for no reason. I wish I could be fun again, the way I used to be. Also, I grew up in a family that really asserted that if you want to have a party, then you have to pay for it. Even now, I still think that's how it should be.

Last night I was talking about how I feel as though I never had a childhood, and it wasn't until I talked about it that I realized that it was actually true. Perhaps that's why I'm so childlike and irresposible at TWENTY FIVE. Even now, "being an adult" is so ominous, to me it means the end of anything happy and pure. At the same time, it holds me back, because I can't evolve into the person I was meant to be. I try so hard to make myself think that I'm in control, and that I could do whatever I want with my life but in reality I'm slave, as we all are, completely at the mercy of so many external factors.

Birthdays are never fun for me. As a kid, even I knew that my birthdays sucked. Also, my dad would usually do whatever it took to make sure my birthday got fucked up. One year he punched me in the head in front of my two bday guests. I puked because I got a concussion. Why didn't someone take me to the hospital?

Birthdays to me signify aging, which is the "big bad" of life. Another year closer to death, another less year I could have spent on the earth. Birthdays always just make me wonder the exact time of my death.

Congradulations dad! I'm just like you! You won. I hate and abhor every holiday, birthday, or day of celebration. Just like you, I can't get by unless I ruin it for everyone else, because just like you, you've passed on the dominant notion that if I'm not happy, then nobody else can be happy. Mom, u won too! I'm totally not in control of anything in my life, and left to the mercy of others. You guys did such a great job at failing on all levels. You should be proud of yourselves.

being crazy...

I know I've written blogs before about my fears. I don't pretend to be perfect, although I wish I were. I'm not saying I'll ever be able to accept all these negative things about myself, I hate them all and they ruin my life... but I guess it's important to be honest. From a very young age we're taught to not be sad, mad, jealous, ashamed, disappointed, suicidal, depressed, etc, and if we are then there's something wrong with us, it's our own fault, and we should be ashamed for being so fucked up. Realistically, everyone feels this way on a daily basis! Everyone is unhappy in their lives, has serious, deep rooted problems and issues that they cause themselves as well as problems the world or their genetics dumps in their laps. I know that in the end, everyone is afraid of the same kinds of things, and I find a lot of comfort in this notion of a shared experience. Perhaps it's because I feel like if I'm not happy, nobody else should be.

I've always been nervous about the fact that I might be crazy. It seems like on both sides of my family, there are very serious mental and emotional problems. In passing, my mom mentioned that there have been suicides on her side on the family. That side of the family was most likely rather inbred, from generations all living in small towns. Judging from my mom's way of relating to the world, as well as her white trash family from the country, it's easy to see why she never found any sort of power over her own life which makes me think that she was just as fucked up.

At the same time, my dad's side of the family was a lot worse. So many family members have so many problems. The whole family is full of drug addiction, and abuses of all kinds, physical and sexual. I'm so glad that I at least got a good last name out of it. It was impossible to identify with people like my parents. They're from a world long ago. Just think, they didn't have the Internet, TV, cell phones, e-mail, computers... obviously the huge lack of any kind of progress from 50 years ago makes it impossible to understand their world view... because the world view was regional at the time. Nothing changed, and everything stayed the same. Now everything changes, nothing is ever the same.

In my past, I realize now I have had many manic episodes. As I've aged, and now that I'm 24, I've gotten better at identifying the signs and symptoms, although it really is impossible to know when it's going to end until it's over. I've embarassed myself in front of so many people- we're not going to elaborate on that because it really is something to be ashamed of. I used to never get embarassed, in fact it's a new feeling that made its debut in my 20s. Throughout my young adult life, I used to think I was always just tired, yet realize now these feelings of "tiredness" are not from being stressed out or sleep deprived. It's called depression.

Just like everyone else, I do hear voices in my head... yet I accept the fact that they're all mine, and I guess it's really just one voice (my own) yet it still does tell me so many different things. I do sometimes catch me talking to myself, and it's rather common for me to not remember if strings of thoughts were vocalized or not. I'm constantly wondering, "did I just say all that stuff out loud?" Just like everyone, I get feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, isolation, suffering, opposition, submission, wasting my life, and suicide on a daily basis. Even though nothing in my life is settled, and my life is essentially worse than it ever has been before, I know I'll be here tomorrow, that I can't just let a corporation allow me to hate my life so much that I kill myself. I'm constantly looking for stories of people who overcame their grief, because it's my biggest problem. I wish I could be the person I was before, more than anyone will ever know. But that person is dead and gone.

I wonder what they did in the olden days? I guess anyone who didn't completely fit into society was immediately singled out and killed.

how to tell when someone hates his or her self

It's impossible to tell what people are thinking just by looking at them. Just like everyone else, I like to keep people guessing... and just like everyone else I'm always trying to figure other people out... even though in the end I really don't care. Nevertheless, I always think about these 2 things I learned as small child:

Subtle Signs of Low Self Esteem

1. small handwriting

2. brushing your teeth on the bottom first, top last

I guess they've never been confirmed by a textbook, but I might just have not read the right textbook. I think it's real... do you?

news

See-through fish fed junk food diet develops early symptoms of heart disease

lol

Why musicians make such appealing partners - they are tuned to tap into emotions

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Fitness, strength and flexibility do not inevitably fade away with age, and are more often a matter of lifestyle choices, according to a new report.

sad eyes vs. dead eyes

Since I recently read a book about emotional intelligence, I have been trying to apply it in my life because it seems like a useful tool to be able to use. Learning something and not putting it to good use = a waste. Being self aware, one major aspect to emotional intelligence seems to be much easier than recognizing/managing emotions in other people.

An Asian woman got on the bus today accompanied by a huge trash bag full of some recyclable material. I often see these people going through the trash and recycling, in the hopes that a few pennies here and there will eventually add up to enough money to somehow sustain life. Previously, I had been kind of disgusted that people are that destitute, my first reactions were definitely not ones of giving a shit (I try to care about people even though other humans just compete with me over resources instead of making my life easier or better). In the past I have yelled, "Hey I called dibs on that garbage!" a funny saying I copied from somebody, but now feel bad about using.

The old woman watched me from across the train, I felt like 100% of her attention was fixated on me- how good my life must be, how attractive and happy I look, how I'm one of those people who has everything (but somehow remains forever unsatisfied). This grizzled, dirty old woman had piercing eyes, only they were dead inside. Her lids and area under her eyes were too pink, her eye sockets looked like chapped lips. There's a huge difference between looking at eyes, and looking into them. If you look into her eyes, all you can see is death, it was really creepy, and I wish I could remain disaffected but it was impossible! Those eyes watched me for more than 5 minutes, the whole time I tried to sit there listening to music, pretending like dead eyes weren't draining the life out me as well.

The only thing I don't like about emotional intelligence is how you have to feel other people's emotions. Trying to be empathetic leads me to more psychic vampires, and everybody already wants something from me.

A while ago Solitaire made a very astute observation, noting that if you look at Britney Spears eyes, even through the beginning and "golden days" of fame back in the day, she always has very sad eyes. It's almost as if you can read her emotions through her eyes, and see all the turmoil and bad feeling welling up inside her.

So that's the reason I never look at people in the eyes.

waste of time

I never cry; crying is a waste of time. I never cried when I was
younger, I've had numerous several year long periods of time during
which I never cried once, I'm sure there's no way that can be
psychologically healthy, but it happened so I guess it's real. Sure, I
could sit down right now and start crying about everything bad that's
ever happened, but what's the point? And moreover, if I wanted to
start, I would never stop so it seems more efficient to just never
start in the first place. When I used to get my eyes examined, I
always had problems with my tear ducts, and I think it's because I
never cry. There's not enough time.